The 5 Most Venomous Creatures On The Planet

Humans have been at war with nature since the beginning of time. Fortunately we’re winning right now, but nature has produced some pretty deadly creatures to fight us off. One of the most effective ways that nature is trying to eradicate us is through venoms and poisons. Here are 5 venomous creatures to watch out for.

 

Brown-Tailed Horn Spider – This deadly eight-legged menace, native to the Australian continent, pounces on its prey and injects a fast-acting venom that causes immense gastric distress. Normally the spider is harmless, but if you insult its mother, or laugh at its brown tail, or do anything else to offend it, then it will come at you hard and it won’t quit until its venom is in your bloodstream so that it can watch you die in flatulent agony.

Pentagonback Rattlesnake – A cousin to the diamondback rattlesnake, this deadly creature was created by a mad scientist and then released into major cities all across the world. Its venom won’t make you sick, but it forces your brain to release chemicals that make you feel lonely and insecure.

Baby Rabbits – All newborn rabbits are the most venomous creatures on Earth. Their cuteness is a way of luring in their prey, but once you’re close enough to cuddle, they attack and inject you with a fatal venom that kills in seconds. Fortunately all the venom is secreted out of their long, fluffy ears by the time they reach two weeks old, but rabbits never lose that vicious killer instinct.

Atheists – These sickening creatures are most commonly found in suburban basements, but there’s always danger whenever they creep up to the surface world and invade a local population. Atheists have a venom sack in their neck that squirts out a secular poison, which seeps into your brain and alters its alpha orbital gyrus waves, causing you to lose all sense of logic and reason. Because of how dangerous they are, most states don’t even allow atheists as pets anymore.

Squimbly Squmbulpus – The squimbly squmbulpus is a rare figglesnake from the slumbumbering forest. It oozes it’s bright green floopgoo onto any unsuspecting wanglenaughts and blubbuses that wander too close to the gankos tree that it calls home. Only fleepcream from the malorplorp crevasse can counteract the squimbly squmbulpus floopgoo. This is really only a concern for fictional creatures.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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12 Tips For Exceptional Dental Hygiene

Taking care of your teeth is a lot like living in a storage unit after your wife leaves you for your younger brother; nobody wants to do it, but it’s something we all have to go through. Brushing and flossing is easy once you get into the routine, but if you’re like most Americans, you don’t have time to clean your teeth because you’re too busy cleaning your guns. If you’re falling behind on your dental hygiene then check out these 12 tips on how to get back into it.

 

1. Go to sleep each night with leeches covering your teeth. They’ll suck out the bacteria and leave your mouth fresh with the stench of death each morning.

2. You can protect your teeth by coating them with insulation before each meal.

3. Avoid eating.

4. Preemptively get rid of your cavities by injecting hot metal into your teeth, or however that works.

5. Use a stick instead of a toothbrush. Nature is always healthy.

6. Construct an army of highly advanced nanobots that use lasers to blast away any plaque or tartar that might be building up in those hard-to-reach crevasses.

7. At the end of every day, pull out each of your teeth individually, and rigorously polish them. Then simply superglue them back in before going to sleep.

8. Coffee, tea, soda, and other drinks that give you energy are all bad for your teeth. Avoid them altogether and use less harmful cocaine for your morning stimulant.

9. Have all your teeth replaced with pearls. You won’t need to maintain them anymore and you’ll always look like a princess.

10. Date a dental hygienist to get free work done every week. There’s nothing more romantic than being poked with needles and then asked to spit.

11. Use uranium-enriched floss. Bacteria cannot survive in an irradiated environment.

12. Chewing gum can actually be good for your teeth. Chocolate can be good for your teeth as well, but it’s the sugar in both that do the real harm. Tell yourself little lies like this to free yourself of any guilt.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Surviving the Cold

The United States is entering one of the worst cold snaps on record.  Many regions will experience temperatures in the negatives with wind gusts of up to 60 miles an hour.  If you’re worried about the cold weather as much as we are,  read these 12 tips for surviving this harsh weekend.

 

1. Your car heater might not be enough during your daily commute,  so bring some logs to generate small fires in your car.

2. Take a vacation to Florida and experience the tropical 45-degree weather.

3. Power may go out so be sure to charge your pacemaker.

4. Snow acts as an excellent insulator,  be sure to leave all your doors and windows open to collect as much of it as possible.

5. Extra clothing always helps so put on some pants when you get home.

6. Keep your sinks and bathtubs flowing with hot water.  This will prevent the pipes from freezing.

7. Electric blankets are a great source of heat and infertility.

8. If you get trapped out in the elements,  don’t be afraid to cut open your Tauntaun and hide its body until the cold passes.

9. Think about warm places like Syria and Iraq.

10. Hibernate.

11. Wear a bikini when you go out.  You might catch nature off guard.

12. Snuggle up with someone to keep warm.  If you’re single,  live alone and leave your home often,  write your address in the comments section below.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.