Taking care of your teeth is a lot like living in a storage unit after your wife leaves you for your younger brother; nobody wants to do it, but it’s something we all have to go through. Brushing and flossing is easy once you get into the routine, but if you’re like most Americans, you don’t have time to clean your teeth because you’re too busy cleaning your guns. If you’re falling behind on your dental hygiene then check out these 12 tips on how to get back into it.

 

1. Go to sleep each night with leeches covering your teeth. They’ll suck out the bacteria and leave your mouth fresh with the stench of death each morning.

2. You can protect your teeth by coating them with insulation before each meal.

3. Avoid eating.

4. Preemptively get rid of your cavities by injecting hot metal into your teeth, or however that works.

5. Use a stick instead of a toothbrush. Nature is always healthy.

6. Construct an army of highly advanced nanobots that use lasers to blast away any plaque or tartar that might be building up in those hard-to-reach crevasses.

7. At the end of every day, pull out each of your teeth individually, and rigorously polish them. Then simply superglue them back in before going to sleep.

8. Coffee, tea, soda, and other drinks that give you energy are all bad for your teeth. Avoid them altogether and use less harmful cocaine for your morning stimulant.

9. Have all your teeth replaced with pearls. You won’t need to maintain them anymore and you’ll always look like a princess.

10. Date a dental hygienist to get free work done every week. There’s nothing more romantic than being poked with needles and then asked to spit.

11. Use uranium-enriched floss. Bacteria cannot survive in an irradiated environment.

12. Chewing gum can actually be good for your teeth. Chocolate can be good for your teeth as well, but it’s the sugar in both that do the real harm. Tell yourself little lies like this to free yourself of any guilt.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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