eating

14 Facts About Sleep You Never Knew

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This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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Unless you’re a Mormon, sleep is something you’ll have to do at some point in your life. Scientists have spent over five years learning everything there is to know about sleep, but there’s still so much to discover. He’s a list of some dreamy facts you can sleep on.

 

1. Eating one solitary grape before bed can cause violent night terrors and intense gastric distress, however eating more than one grape before bed will bring a deep, restful sleep.

2. The term “heavy sleeper” is considered politically incorrect. They prefer the term “sleeper who is weightly challenged.”

3. Sleeping on dirty sheets will give you sex dreams, whereas sleeping on clean sheets will make you dream about going to church.

4. “40 winks” is a term that commonly refers to taking a nap, however the term started as a popular first tactic used by numerous sexual predators.

5. Listening to white noise while falling asleep can erase all your memories from the day before.

6. People who sleep on their right side are more likely to become serial killers.

7. People who sleep on their left side are more likely to be killed in a factory explosion.

8. People who sleep on their backs are more likely to be abducted by aliens in their sleep.

9. People who sleep on their stomachs don’t exist.

10. Every time you lose an hour of sleep, you’re letting the terrorists win.

11. The 19th Century bedtime story “Wynken, Blynken and Nod” actually has nothing to do with sleep. It’s the name of a personal injury law firm in Bedminster, New Jersey.

12. A full night’s rest has the same effect as getting slapped in the face every fifteen minutes throughout the day.

13. Over 90% of conservatives in America report feeling safer sleeping with a gun under their pillow, whereas 90% of liberals in America say they feel safest sleeping with an abortion under their pillow.

14. The Tooth Fairy is real, and she lost all of her teeth to a meth addiction. She steals yours, and then glues them into her mouth until they fall out again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips For Exceptional Dental Hygiene

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Taking care of your teeth is a lot like living in a storage unit after your wife leaves you for your younger brother; nobody wants to do it, but it’s something we all have to go through. Brushing and flossing is easy once you get into the routine, but if you’re like most Americans, you don’t have time to clean your teeth because you’re too busy cleaning your guns. If you’re falling behind on your dental hygiene then check out these 12 tips on how to get back into it.

 

1. Go to sleep each night with leeches covering your teeth. They’ll suck out the bacteria and leave your mouth fresh with the stench of death each morning.

2. You can protect your teeth by coating them with insulation before each meal.

3. Avoid eating.

4. Preemptively get rid of your cavities by injecting hot metal into your teeth, or however that works.

5. Use a stick instead of a toothbrush. Nature is always healthy.

6. Construct an army of highly advanced nanobots that use lasers to blast away any plaque or tartar that might be building up in those hard-to-reach crevasses.

7. At the end of every day, pull out each of your teeth individually, and rigorously polish them. Then simply superglue them back in before going to sleep.

8. Coffee, tea, soda, and other drinks that give you energy are all bad for your teeth. Avoid them altogether and use less harmful cocaine for your morning stimulant.

9. Have all your teeth replaced with pearls. You won’t need to maintain them anymore and you’ll always look like a princess.

10. Date a dental hygienist to get free work done every week. There’s nothing more romantic than being poked with needles and then asked to spit.

11. Use uranium-enriched floss. Bacteria cannot survive in an irradiated environment.

12. Chewing gum can actually be good for your teeth. Chocolate can be good for your teeth as well, but it’s the sugar in both that do the real harm. Tell yourself little lies like this to free yourself of any guilt.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to be a part of this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 3)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’ve participated in human trafficking on multiple yachts owned by three different Bush’s. I write to you, the weaker, lesser man, with a few rules to follow that could help you become better than whatever you’re trying to be now.

Recently I have been going over the subject of how to eat successfully. First, I instructed how a real man orders his food. Then I informed you how to properly engage in meal-worthy conversation. This week I conclude my eating tutorial with the final and least important part of the eating process.

 

3. Eating. Within five minutes of your food being set down on the table in front of you, send it back. Sending back your food is a power play that reminds everyone at the table that you are in charge and that both the serving staff and kitchen staff are beneath you. Occasionally there are times when sending your meal back once isn’t enough, so be prepared to do this multiple times. You know you are dining with powerful, knowledgeable men when everyone at the table sends their meal back four, five, even six times before anyone takes a bite.

I will not discuss the mechanics of eating because this is something you should have mastered by the time you were six, unless you are a natural success like myself who mastered eating by the time I was two weeks old. There are things to keep in mind while eating, however, which will make the difference between an ordinary man and a successful man.

Posture is important. Sit up straight throughout the entire course of the meal. An erect state always suggests power but it is also easier to keep your food down if there still happen to be pieces of buckshot in it. It is only acceptable to eat while reclining if you are dining with a Jew or a woman with whom you have already had intercourse, although ideally you would never see such a woman in public again.

Your arms should be down with your elbows at a 50º angle, your feet firmly planted on the ground, and your manhood encroaching into your right pant leg. Your eyes should always be fixed on the person with whom you are conversing at any given moment. At no point should you look at your meal except for the first cut into the meat you are eating to make sure it is as red as Donald Trump’s face before his creamer administers his whitening cream.

Additionally, never belch or hiccup. The only things that should leave a man’s body are excrement and diamonds you may have swallowed during one of Warren Buffett’s rare mineral tastings. Although napkins are designed to wipe excess food crumbs from your mouth and hands, no successful, self-respecting man should use one unless you plan on offering it to a female companion once she starts crying due to her femininity.

 

This concludes my instructions on how to eat successfully. I will continue this column with another tutorial next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Eat Successfully (Part 2)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I’m a member of three of the four secret societies that have already determined who the next five US presidents will be. As part of my lesser accomplishments, I am maintaining an advice column here on Circus Killer News to teach weak men like you the secrets of success.

Last week I began to discuss how to eat successfully, but only got as far as step one: ordering. Right now I will continue with the next step in the successful eating process.

 

2. Conversation. This will likely its own chapter in the “How to Succeed” series so I will not be too detailed with this step. Rather, I will mostly go over which conversational topics are common with certain meals, and which topics you should avoid.

Of the 23 meals every man should eat in a week (breakfast, lunch and dinner every day of the week plus Sunday Brunch and Wednesday Power Brunch), no less than 15 of those meals should be reserved for making business deals. Men have made deals over food since ancient nomadic cavemen traded their rocks, wives and other possessions for larger portions of dinosaur meat. It is in these instances that conversations over food, much like any business deal, are lingual battles of dominance and power the intensity of which rivals that of World War II.

For non-business meals, your conversations should still be lingual battles of dominance and power because that is what all conversations are, only the intensity in these cases can rival one of those lesser wars like Korea or the one against drugs. Make sure everyone in your party knows that you are the head of the table and the conversational leader by frequently interrupting people, changing the subject to an opinion you can defend, and making toasts to congratulate people in a move of ownership and emasculation. All of these things will keep the ball in your court, or rather your field if you happen to be white.

There is a finite amount of approved conversational topics for all three meals throughout the day. Death is a good subject to discuss over breakfast, for example, because reminding yourself and those around you about the fate of the weak is a way to both respectfully commemorate and justifiably condemn the fodder upon which your greatness is built. In fact, “break” is derived from the Latin word “barack” which means “the lesser ones.”

Lunch is generally reserved for more upbeat conversations, such as how well you performed in last weekend’s yacht race or the death of the middle class. Lunch is also a good time to deliver joyous news to be celebrated over dinner, such as announcing your daughter’s arranged engagement to the prominent son of a politician who’s on your payroll or your recent acquisition of the skeleton of the first horse in space.

Lastly there’s dinner, the most important meal of the day. Part of its importance is that any flirtatious activities that occur during supper are 86% more effective due primarily to the way that candles remind women of penises. There should always be women present at dinner, and ideally one woman for every two men because sex only counts when you have taken the woman of an inferior man. With her you should discuss money, cleaning products, Theodore Roosevelt, really anything that will get her in the mood. If she isn’t at least thinking about doing hand stuff to you by the time your entrée of steak and hers of lettuce and ice cubes have arrived, you’ve probably done something wrong.

 

That’s all for this week. I will continue my converage of successful eating next Friday. Until then, be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.