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KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Get Women To Notice Me?

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Welcome to Killer Advice, a weekly advice column run by the staff of Circus Killer News, aimed at telling our readers how to live their lives. CKN only hires 10s and is predominantly read by 5s, so chances are Killer Advice is just for you.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Wayne Klochski from South Plains, Ohio. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,

I’m having trouble getting girls to notice me. Ever since I was a kid and started noticing girls, I found that I am completely invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve tried tying bells around my neck, but that just makes people think that I’m celebrating Christmas, and that always gets me arrested because celebrating Christmas in public is now a hate crime. I’ve tried leaving dead squirrels on a woman’s doorstep to show her that I’m a provider and that I can protect her, but she just called the police. What exactly am I doing wrong? What can I do to get girls to notice me?”

 

Wayne, this is a common problem amongst insignificant men. The truth is, women don’t notice you because you’re probably not worth noticing. Hit the gym every once in a while. Throw away those glasses. Get a face transplant. There are lots of different options available to you if you’re willing to work for them.

A study conducted by a bunch of nerds found that the first three things women notice about men are their face, their body, and the clothes that they’re wearing. If women aren’t noticing you, then you’re doing something incorrectly with these three things. For example, make sure that you aren’t wearing six different masks when you’re approaching women, and make sure you’re wearing a bright spandex suit that hugs every contour of your body. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S. is that husbands stop showing off their contours after they get married, but women never stop needing to see men’s contours every minute of every day, or else they turn into a skeleton.

Let’s say that you can’t accentuate any of these three things because your face was torn off by a bear, or your body just looks weird, or all your clothes are wizard robes because you’re a wizard. At this point, you need to whip out the big guns. Women love big guns because guns are made out of animal penises, which contain all of the pheromones that they need to survive. Women are also drawn to intelligent men, so you can always try impressing a lady by counting to fifteen in front of her and telling her about all the shapes you know. Women also like receiving compliments, so be sure to tell her that the odors her body produces make you happy, and that you want her body to continue making the happy odors.

Follow these easy steps and no woman will be able to ignore you, but complete any of these steps incorrectly and you could severely injure yourself, so wear a helmet at all times.

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Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Facts About Sleep You Never Knew

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This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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Unless you’re a Mormon, sleep is something you’ll have to do at some point in your life. Scientists have spent over five years learning everything there is to know about sleep, but there’s still so much to discover. He’s a list of some dreamy facts you can sleep on.

 

1. Eating one solitary grape before bed can cause violent night terrors and intense gastric distress, however eating more than one grape before bed will bring a deep, restful sleep.

2. The term “heavy sleeper” is considered politically incorrect. They prefer the term “sleeper who is weightly challenged.”

3. Sleeping on dirty sheets will give you sex dreams, whereas sleeping on clean sheets will make you dream about going to church.

4. “40 winks” is a term that commonly refers to taking a nap, however the term started as a popular first tactic used by numerous sexual predators.

5. Listening to white noise while falling asleep can erase all your memories from the day before.

6. People who sleep on their right side are more likely to become serial killers.

7. People who sleep on their left side are more likely to be killed in a factory explosion.

8. People who sleep on their backs are more likely to be abducted by aliens in their sleep.

9. People who sleep on their stomachs don’t exist.

10. Every time you lose an hour of sleep, you’re letting the terrorists win.

11. The 19th Century bedtime story “Wynken, Blynken and Nod” actually has nothing to do with sleep. It’s the name of a personal injury law firm in Bedminster, New Jersey.

12. A full night’s rest has the same effect as getting slapped in the face every fifteen minutes throughout the day.

13. Over 90% of conservatives in America report feeling safer sleeping with a gun under their pillow, whereas 90% of liberals in America say they feel safest sleeping with an abortion under their pillow.

14. The Tooth Fairy is real, and she lost all of her teeth to a meth addiction. She steals yours, and then glues them into her mouth until they fall out again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Ways To Protect Your Home From Intruders

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This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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With the second American Civil War around the corner, personal safety is more paramount than ever. There are many different ways to protect your home from intruders, but none have been proven more successful than the following thirteen.

 

1. Smash all the windows in your home from the outside so it looks like you’ve already been robbed. All the thieves in your neighborhood will assume there’s no more good stuff to steal.

2. Have plans and traps in place to “Home Alone” the shit out of anyone who breaks in.

3. Keep all your valuables on your lawn. No one can steal your belongings by breaking into your home if you have no belongings inside your home.

4. Paint what appears to be the inside of your house on the outside of your door. To the common thief it will appear as though your front door is wide open, and they’ll charge headfirst into a closed door, knocking them unconscious.

5. Have a local wizard cast a protection spell around your home.

6. Seal all your doors and windows with cement. Nobody can enter your home if there’s no way in.

7. Construct a border wall around your property to guarantee that thieves can only cross into your lands legally.

8. Replace your front door with a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel.

9. Replace your back door with a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.

10. Replace your windows with several Danny DeVitos. 

11. Sell your home and live out your days on a boat. Merthieves are much easier to fend off than land-thieves.

12. Take all the extra money you have from not having your home broken into and use it to buy a private security force.

13. Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Bill to Put Restrictions on Americans’ Purchase and Possession of Guillotines

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Congress proposed a bill yesterday that would restrict and further regulate the purchase and possession of guillotines for private American citizens. The controversial bill has split public opinion with half of the nation supporting the bill and half strongly against it.

The National Guillotine Association has been in an uproar since news of the bill got out. Members of the NGA have been slicing up their membership cards in protest, and many have begun to speak out.

“The government has no right to be taking our guillotines away,” said Herb Hopman, a proud guillotine owner and lifelong member of the NGA. “Guillotines are perfectly safe when used properly. Just because a few bad eggs abuse their right to own theirs doesn’t mean it has to be ruined for the rest of us.”

The bill was drafted as a response to the increase of executions being performed by private citizens in public. In the last 2 years there have been a record high number of school executions in which students brought in guillotines and proceeded to enforce capital punishment on their innocent, unsuspecting peers. As of today, there have been a total of 11,945 guillotine related deaths in the US in 2014.

“The thing is, once this happens, it’s never gonna stop,” Hopman continued. “Once the government decides to take away my guillotines, next thing you know I’ll be handing over my medieval torture devices as well. I have a right to these things to protect myself and my family from government tyranny.”

NGA activists have begun holding demonstrations of their own and carrying their guillotines around in public. Naturally this has put more people in favor of the bill.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.