Tragedy struck American politics today when dozens of GOP representatives found themselves stuck on a sinking ship in the Atlantic Ocean. The politicians were at sea celebrating the Kavanaugh vote when a mechanical failure caused it take on water.
The ship itself is a yacht called “American Values,” and is a time-share owned by a handful of key GOP players. Mitch McConnell, for example, often uses the yacht to visit his mother who is a sea turtle. Ted Cruz uses it to get away from reflective surfaces, and Lindsey Graham uses it as a private area to practice shouting. The ship is mostly used as a place where Republican politicians can have some alone time with their female assistants in an environment that is both discrete and inescapable.
Several members of the Democratic Party as well as longtime contributors to Republican PACs have launched their own yachts to assist any GOP representatives looking to jump ship, but many key Republicans either seem to be willing to go down with the ship, or are denying that the ship is sinking. Republicans in charge of the yacht have refused to assist other sinking ships in the past, so many of the sinking Republicans don’t believe that the assistance from other politicians is genuine. One of the Democratic yachts, which is called “Progress,” was one of the first on the scene, but the Republicans say that they cannot board Progress because it’s moving too fast.
As of now, no one knows what caused American Values to become a sinking ship, but experts believe it is due to neglect. GOP congressmen recently started investing in a different time-share yacht called ‘Wealth & Pride,” and by focusing their time and resources to maintaining this second yacht, they have inadvertently let the quality of American Values slowly deteriorate. No one wants to see American Values sink, however, and rumor has it that the Democratic yacht Progress might be the only thing that can tow it back to safety.
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Written by J. S. Wydra
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