Republicans Trapped Aboard Sinking Ship

Tragedy struck American politics today when dozens of GOP representatives found themselves stuck on a sinking ship in the Atlantic Ocean. The politicians were at sea celebrating the Kavanaugh vote when a mechanical failure caused it take on water.

The ship itself is a yacht called “American Values,” and is a time-share owned by a handful of key GOP players. Mitch McConnell, for example, often uses the yacht to visit his mother who is a sea turtle. Ted Cruz uses it to get away from reflective surfaces, and Lindsey Graham uses it as a private area to practice shouting. The ship is mostly used as a place where Republican politicians can have some alone time with their female assistants in an environment that is both discrete and inescapable.

Several members of the Democratic Party as well as longtime contributors to Republican PACs have launched their own yachts to assist any GOP representatives looking to jump ship, but many key Republicans either seem to be willing to go down with the ship, or are denying that the ship is sinking. Republicans in charge of the yacht have refused to assist other sinking ships in the past, so many of the sinking Republicans don’t believe that the assistance from other politicians is genuine. One of the Democratic yachts, which is called “Progress,” was one of the first on the scene, but the Republicans say that they cannot board Progress because it’s moving too fast.

As of now, no one knows what caused American Values to become a sinking ship, but experts believe it is due to neglect. GOP congressmen recently started investing in a different time-share yacht called ‘Wealth & Pride,” and by focusing their time and resources to maintaining this second yacht, they have inadvertently let the quality of American Values slowly deteriorate. No one wants to see American Values sink, however, and rumor has it that the Democratic yacht Progress might be the only thing that can tow it back to safety.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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13 Ways To Protect Your Home From Intruders

This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

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With the second American Civil War around the corner, personal safety is more paramount than ever. There are many different ways to protect your home from intruders, but none have been proven more successful than the following thirteen.

 

1. Smash all the windows in your home from the outside so it looks like you’ve already been robbed. All the thieves in your neighborhood will assume there’s no more good stuff to steal.

2. Have plans and traps in place to “Home Alone” the shit out of anyone who breaks in.

3. Keep all your valuables on your lawn. No one can steal your belongings by breaking into your home if you have no belongings inside your home.

4. Paint what appears to be the inside of your house on the outside of your door. To the common thief it will appear as though your front door is wide open, and they’ll charge headfirst into a closed door, knocking them unconscious.

5. Have a local wizard cast a protection spell around your home.

6. Seal all your doors and windows with cement. Nobody can enter your home if there’s no way in.

7. Construct a border wall around your property to guarantee that thieves can only cross into your lands legally.

8. Replace your front door with a cardboard cutout of Vin Diesel.

9. Replace your back door with a cardboard cutout of Dwayne Johnson.

10. Replace your windows with several Danny DeVitos. 

11. Sell your home and live out your days on a boat. Merthieves are much easier to fend off than land-thieves.

12. Take all the extra money you have from not having your home broken into and use it to buy a private security force.

13. Guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.