Republicans Trapped Aboard Sinking Ship

Tragedy struck American politics today when dozens of GOP representatives found themselves stuck on a sinking ship in the Atlantic Ocean. The politicians were at sea celebrating the Kavanaugh vote when a mechanical failure caused it take on water.

The ship itself is a yacht called “American Values,” and is a time-share owned by a handful of key GOP players. Mitch McConnell, for example, often uses the yacht to visit his mother who is a sea turtle. Ted Cruz uses it to get away from reflective surfaces, and Lindsey Graham uses it as a private area to practice shouting. The ship is mostly used as a place where Republican politicians can have some alone time with their female assistants in an environment that is both discrete and inescapable.

Several members of the Democratic Party as well as longtime contributors to Republican PACs have launched their own yachts to assist any GOP representatives looking to jump ship, but many key Republicans either seem to be willing to go down with the ship, or are denying that the ship is sinking. Republicans in charge of the yacht have refused to assist other sinking ships in the past, so many of the sinking Republicans don’t believe that the assistance from other politicians is genuine. One of the Democratic yachts, which is called “Progress,” was one of the first on the scene, but the Republicans say that they cannot board Progress because it’s moving too fast.

As of now, no one knows what caused American Values to become a sinking ship, but experts believe it is due to neglect. GOP congressmen recently started investing in a different time-share yacht called ‘Wealth & Pride,” and by focusing their time and resources to maintaining this second yacht, they have inadvertently let the quality of American Values slowly deteriorate. No one wants to see American Values sink, however, and rumor has it that the Democratic yacht Progress might be the only thing that can tow it back to safety.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Lizard Men Unsettled By State Of U.S. Politics

Recent reports indicate that the secret society of lizard men who have been guiding American government and culture since the country’s inception have finally returned to Earth after being on vacation since 2015. The Reptilians left for their homeworld, Planet X, shortly before Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the presidency, and are shocked by how their project has deteriorated in the last three and a half years.

“Everything was going fine,” said Xylluriax, a lieutenant in the Nibiru Invasion Agency. “Honestly, it’s kind of impressive how humans are able to fuck things up so much in such a small amount of time.”

The NIA has been infiltrating the United States government and orchestrating world events to slowly eradicate humankind and replace it with a crossbreed of human and Reptilian creatures that will rule the Earth. It’s a highly delicate plan with no room for error, but after centuries, the lizard men needed a break.

“We put it all in the hands of Zandorrah,” continued Xylluriax, “who in the past had proven to be an excellent shapeshifter and slummus trankulator, but not a very likable person. Zandorrah had been impersonating a human for decades, and served as the U.S. Secretary of State under President Obama from 2009 to 2013.”

Zandorrah was meant to become President after Barrack Obama. Under Zandorrah’s rule, Americans were to be given free healthcare so that a mutation formula could be administered to the entire population through mandatory vaccinations. Zandorrah convinced the other Reptilians that he could accomplish this on his own, and that the rest of them deserved a relaxing break. Somehow, Zandorrah let the election slip away from him.

“Now we’re back,” said Xyllurian, “and all of our focus is on restoring Reptilian power and undoing all the damage done by the unevolved primates currently in control of Washington. Our plans should be up and running again after the 2020 election, but we’re making a strong push to get things back this November.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hidden Details Of Trump White House Leaked By Anonymous Source

An anonymous source from within the White House has reached out to Circus Killer News with previously unknown details about the President’s daily routine. What follows is an unedited letter from that source, which our investigators have verified:

“The President starts each day the same. He wakes up at around 11:00 a.m. in his bed in the Lincoln bedroom, which is covered in radioactive sheets that keep his skin tan while he sleeps. He rings a bell as soon as he’s awake so that we know when it’s time for us to come in and dress him.

The President then has his breakfast in the Taft dining room, which is a sleeve of Oreo’s and a bowl of Lucky Charms with root beer instead of milk. The President forces us all to watch him eat his breakfast, and if any of us look at him in the eyes, we’re fired immediately.

After breakfast, the President is given his morning briefing. Military generals and intelligence officials will draw their briefings on construction paper in order to keep the President’s attention. The more glitter that they use in their briefings, the more likely Trump will notice it. The current administration spends over $4,000 on glitter each month.

We spend most of the day trying to find ways to distract the President. In the beginning we were using laser pointers, but he thought they were snipers and that only added to his paranoia. We figured out that we can dazzle him pretty easily with close-up magic whenever he starts trying to give out orders. If I pull a quarter out of his ear, for example, then he’ll spend the next half hour checking his body for more money.

For most of the day, Trump retreats to a secluded room where we let him watch tv and eat as much sugar as he wants. If he ever asks for anything, such as lubricant or pornography or his daughter, then we tell him that the democrats just made those things illegal and try to ignore his yelling. Eventually he crashes and we just put him to bed, then start over the next day.

So basically, we’re dealing with it. There really aren’t any surprises anymore. The next two years are going to be long and frustrating, but we’ll get through it as a nation.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Sit Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. I was the only person at my school to be awarded Most Handsome, Most Successful and Most Hair all at once and as a freshman. I maintain this blog so that lesser men like you can have a glimpse at what it means to be truly magnificent.

Most men only sit down because it’s comfortable or they’re too tired to stand. I sit because it’s a power play. Sitting shows other men in the room that you aren’t worth their time. It shows them that you don’t need your feet to be in control, and if done properly, can open up no less than 31 sexual positions you’ve never heard of because most of them are illegal in the United States. Today, I shall go over the secrets of a successful sit.

 

1. Posture. Men and women can both sense power by the erectness of a man’s stance, and this applies to sitting just as much as it does to standing. Your feet should be firm on the floor, knees at a 90º angle. At no point should you ever fidget or cross your legs. Men who do this are nervous and likely hiding something, like a debilitating addiction or an attachment to someone with an embarrassing genetic illness.

Always make sure your back is upright and your shoulders are wide and broad. This is a tactic often used in the animal kingdom. Male peacocks will show off their feathers to intimidate inferior peacocks, bears will stand up on their hind legs to appear taller, and giraffes will perform cartwheels while lighting nearby buildings on fire. Every animal has their means of intimidation. For men, this lies primarily in the shoulders, chest and groin region. When you sit, it should be in a way that accentuates those areas of your body.

 

2. Movement. It is critical to maintain composure at all times, which means as little movement as possible. It does not matter if you learn that the senator’s son you loaned one of your yachts to has just crashed it or if a black person has just been elected president. You have to remain as calm and sensible as possible. Control indicates power. I once sat through an ordeal as gruesome as watching Dick Cheney have the steam engine that powers him replaced without wincing or turning away, and it’s housed in a part of his body that should be covered at all times and looks as sickening as what his soul probably looks like.

 

This concludes this week’s edition of “How to Succeed.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #05

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. March 12th, 2019 – Zombies March in Livingston in Protest of New Mississippi Law

Four hours ago, a horde of zombies began marching through the streets of Livingston, Mississippi, in protest of the state’s new “Armed Survivors” law that allows civilians to shoot any living dead they come across. Since their initial rise eight months ago, the nation’s zombies have been constantly threatened, hunted and denied the rights of living citizens. The protest appears to be a bad move on the part of the zombies as dozens of civilians and armed service people alike have met at the site of the protest to begin picking off the horde of the restless one by one. Still, many are saying that this might become the longest protest in history because in the last four hours the zombies have only made it five feet.

 

2. January 27th, 2036 – Global Rise in Sea Levels Must Mean Second Biblical Flood, America’s Leaders Say

Sea levels around the world have risen an average of 40 feet in the last 20 years, causing many US public officials to declare that a second biblical flood is upon us. Several representatives of Congress agree that recent trends such as the acceptance of homosexuality, “allowing more Hispanics in politics,” and jean shorts, have angered God enough to send another flood to Earth and cleanse the world of such sins. Congress recently approved the construction of an ark massive enough to hold half of the nation’s congressman, along with their families, mistresses and top three favorite lobbyists, to be finished in exactly five years.

 

3. January 28th, 2041 – US Government Sees Most Productive Day in US History

It was confirmed at 7:30pm EST tonight that the US government held its most productive day in the history of the nation, with congress passing more laws and writing more bills today than have been passed or written in the last five years. With the vast majority of the country’s senior elected officials refusing to run in the previous election and choosing instead to wait aboard a massive $56 billion wooden ship, America’s new, youngest-ever batch of congressmen and women managed to cut the deficit in half, create 6 million more jobs and start a series of environmental programs which scientists estimate will normalize the planet’s climate and recede the world’s sea levels by 2044, most of whom while wearing stylish new jean shorts from today’s hottest gay Hispanic designers.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.