Hidden Details Of Trump White House Leaked By Anonymous Source

An anonymous source from within the White House has reached out to Circus Killer News with previously unknown details about the President’s daily routine. What follows is an unedited letter from that source, which our investigators have verified:

“The President starts each day the same. He wakes up at around 11:00 a.m. in his bed in the Lincoln bedroom, which is covered in radioactive sheets that keep his skin tan while he sleeps. He rings a bell as soon as he’s awake so that we know when it’s time for us to come in and dress him.

The President then has his breakfast in the Taft dining room, which is a sleeve of Oreo’s and a bowl of Lucky Charms with root beer instead of milk. The President forces us all to watch him eat his breakfast, and if any of us look at him in the eyes, we’re fired immediately.

After breakfast, the President is given his morning briefing. Military generals and intelligence officials will draw their briefings on construction paper in order to keep the President’s attention. The more glitter that they use in their briefings, the more likely Trump will notice it. The current administration spends over $4,000 on glitter each month.

We spend most of the day trying to find ways to distract the President. In the beginning we were using laser pointers, but he thought they were snipers and that only added to his paranoia. We figured out that we can dazzle him pretty easily with close-up magic whenever he starts trying to give out orders. If I pull a quarter out of his ear, for example, then he’ll spend the next half hour checking his body for more money.

For most of the day, Trump retreats to a secluded room where we let him watch tv and eat as much sugar as he wants. If he ever asks for anything, such as lubricant or pornography or his daughter, then we tell him that the democrats just made those things illegal and try to ignore his yelling. Eventually he crashes and we just put him to bed, then start over the next day.

So basically, we’re dealing with it. There really aren’t any surprises anymore. The next two years are going to be long and frustrating, but we’ll get through it as a nation.”

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.