Trump’s Wall Won’t Protect US From Hurricanes, Other Disasters

A new report on Trump’s proposed border wall shows that the wall will not be designed to protect the United States from hurricanes, floods, and other natural disasters. This is despite the fact that this past hurricane season did significantly more damage to America than Mexico ever has cumulatively.

Trump’s wall will also not protect the continental United States from earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tornadoes, tidal waves, meteor strikes, diseases and plagues, bear attacks, domestic terrorists, serial killers, racism, homicidal robots, corporate greed, pornography, pizza burns, and numerous other things that threaten the lives of US citizens on a daily basis.

Since a majority of illegal immigrants are people who remain in the country when their visas expire, and not people who illegally cross the border, it’s difficult to speculate what the purpose of the wall actually is. Some speculate it is merely a branding technique, and that the wall will have the name “TRUMP” displayed on both sides from end to end. Others believe the wall will be thick enough to house large rooms and restaurants, and believe that Trump is trying to construct the longest, crappiest casino on record. Others still think the President is simply trying to mark his territory.

Regardless of the wall’s true purpose, President Trump is still scrounging the federal government for the money needed to construct it. Reports now indicate that Trump defunded every national science organization and nature reserve to make funds for the wall. Cuts were also made to education, disability, and the anti-alien laser satellite grid that former President George W. Bush installed in orbit around the US after watching the movie “Independence Day.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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9 Exciting New TV Shows Coming This Fall

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Discover Untapped Syrup Deposit Beneath Bottom Pancake

A team of geologists made an unexpected discovery today when a large deposit of syrup that has remained completely untouched by human hands was found beneath the bottom pancake in a full stack at IHOP. The discovery was made by a group of USGS scientists.

“We decided to have an early lunch at IHOP,” said geologist Jill Pranesh, “mostly because a recent executive order prevents us from doing any actual work besides locating land for a Trump Monument. None of us were expecting this discovery.”

The scientists admit that they had speculated something liquid was beneath that bottom pancake, however there was no way to know conclusively that that liquid was syrup until a drill team finally cut into it.

A bidding war has already commenced among several parties who want to cut through the pancake entirely and begin using the syrup for consumption since different people have laid claim to the deposit.

“Amanda paid for this stack,” said Pranesh, “however she was only covering for Mike who left his wallet at the office. It’s difficult to say whose property the pancake is, so it’s difficult to say who gets the syrup beneath.”

The discovery has sparked new hope in the USGS scientists who say they will concentrate their efforts on searching for more unknown syrup deposits beneath other pancakes on surrounding tables.

Some controversy erupted, however, when one of the scientists suggested fracking as a means of extracting the syrup more efficiently. This would be done by injecting a mixture of pressurized water and chemicals into the pancake with hopes that the syrup will move closer to the surface.

“Studies have shown conclusively that fracking can cause serious damage to the pancake, making it inedible,” said Pranesh. “In reality, the best thing we can do is to leave the syrup where it is and look for cleaner, non-sugary substitutes to syrup that won’t cause long-term destruction to our bodies.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Admit Gravity A Hoax

The scientific community was rocked earlier today when an international panel of physicists convened to announce to the world that the theory of gravity is in fact a hoax.

“It’s made up,” said spokeswoman Grabiella Lutiz. “There is nothing real at all about the theory of gravity. It has all been an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by scientists across the world, which is indeed flat, by the way.”

Gravity has long since been the subject of skepticism from predominantly religious communities, however the theory came under recent attack when it was discovered that Donald Trump, President-elect of the United States and Time Magazine’s “Most Trusted Rich Guy” of 2017, tweeted several years ago that he believed gravity to be a Chinese hoax.

“Gravity was not a brainchild of the Chinese government solely,” said Lutiz, “but is in fact a ruse created and perpetrated by the vast majority of the world’s scientists independent of any government or agency.”

Lutiz went on to describe how Sir Isaac Newton never really existed and that accounts of his life were based on the ancient Polynesian myth of a young man who becomes the smartest person in his village after a coconut falls on his head. All records of Newton’s life were fabricated along with the volumes of evidence and data that have been gathered to support the theory of gravity over the last few centuries.

“Yes, things on this planet fall downwards,” said Lutiz, “And yes, the more mass an object has the greater its pull on other objects. And yes, our fake little theory of gravity would explain exactly how and why these things happen and can also be used to project accurate models of the movements of celestial bodes in the future. But the truth is there is no real scientific evidence to show that if I were to drop this pen it would fall to the ground. And the fact that our models and projections of the future come true every single time is purely a coincidence.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.