Lipodexx, a new, highly advanced weight loss drug, became available in pharmacies all across the country this week with its revolutionary procedure of transferring body fat to other people.

Mercudyne, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Lipodexx, has not released any information on how the drug works. Some speculate it’s through a breakthrough quantum technology, while others believe magic is at work.

Results vary for each person depending on their height, weight, and sexual orientation. For every pound that someone on the drug loses, a different person somewhere else in the world gains. The person who gains the weight has no connection to the person who loses it.

“It’s completely random,” said Mercudyne spokesperson Gary Charzard. “Someone will take Lipodexx and lose thirty pounds in a week, and then someone in a completely different part of the world will wake up an extra thirty pounds heavier.”

Many Americans applaud the new drug for being exactly what they’re looking for – it doesn’t solve their problem, but it does push it onto someone else.

“I’ve tried everything to lose weight,” says Millicent Torruso, a lifelong overweight person. “I’ve tried exercising, I’ve tried surgery, I’ve tried Satanism, I’ve tried a weight loss cult that required me to swallow magnets and rub crystals all over my body, but nothing worked. I don’t know what happens to the fat, and I don’t care.”

Mercudyne has developed a number of other experimental drugs, including a birth control pill that also makes your sexual partner infertile, a painkiller that erases traumatic memories, and a cough syrup that makes your voice hilariously high pitched. Lipodexx, however, is the first drug of theirs to hit the market.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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