Entertainment

Area Man On Every Prank Show

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Massachusetts local Jeffrey Haines is reportedly on the brink of insanity after discovering that various prank shows have been controlling almost every facet of his life. Jeffrey first became suspicious when he appeared on a hidden camera magic show last week.

“I performed this trick where I turn a sandwich into a piglet,” said TV magician Alex Landry. “Basically I go into a sandwich restaurant and make their bacon sandwiches come back to life. I did it to Jeffrey and he was shocked at first, then I explained that he was on a hidden camera show and he started laughing.”

Jeffrey reportedly enjoyed this little bit of fun, but that very same day Jeffrey accidentally wandered onto the set of a completely different hidden camera prank show called “Total Fakeout.”

“Basically we just take over small businesses and mess with people,” said Moira Jimenez, producer of Total Fakeout. “The week that Jeffrey was on we took over a car wash and pretended like we destroyed people’s cars.”

Jeffrey dropped his car off at the car wash, then he went to the sandwich place where he got pranked on the magic show, and when he returned, he found that his car had been destroyed by an internal fire. After getting his initial reaction on camera, the producers of Total Fakeout revealed that it was all just a prank and that his car was fine. After appearing on two prank shows in a row, Jeffrey became uneasy.

Several days later, Jeffrey’s wife of five years sat him down to explain that their marriage had been part of “’Til Ugly Do Us Part,” a hidden camera prank show where paid actors marry unattractive people and see how long it takes for them to find out that the love they share isn’t real. She also revealed that the kids they had together were paid actors as well.

Jeffrey was devastated this morning when he was informed by his doctor that he had terminal cancer and would die in six months, and then somehow even more devastated when his doctor turned out to be an actor on a prank show where fake doctors tell people that they’re going to die.

Jeffrey is reportedly seeking legal action, but he is unaware that every attorney that he’s contacted so far is a paid actor for a hidden camera prank show called “Blind Justice,” where the lawyer pretends to be blind and spills hot liquids all over the client.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Oscar Facts You Never Knew

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The Oscars are this Sunday and the buzz has already started. Millions of Americans will be switching on their TVs to see their favorite stars, glitzy performances, and those nerds who win “Sound Design” or whatever.  But there are some things about the Academy Awards that you might not know, for example that the Academy Awards and the Oscars are the same thing.  Here are 12 more insane facts about the Oscars:

 

1. The first Oscar statues were anatomically correct. The non-gender-conforming model that is used today is the result of a petition by Jane Fonda.

2. Initially the Academy Awards ceremony began as a means of thinning out the Hollywood elite. Winners would be killed and have their skin converted into film.

3. Oscars are only coated in gold. They’re dark chocolate on the inside.

4. It is expected that by the year 2050, the “Best Picture” category will hold 35 nominees.

5. “Oscar Sunday” is one of the biggest days for gambling. People bet on everything from who will win certain awards to which actresses will cry the most to whether or not James Franco is wearing underwear.

6. Steven Spielberg is given an Award for “Best Director” every year.

7. 84% of men say they only watch the Oscars for the dresses.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio gave a poor tip to a gypsy who was working as a waitress. She cursed him, and he has never won an Oscar since.

9. It is rumored that the Academy will host a second awards ceremony next year that will be exclusively for minorities. The two ceremonies will be completely separate, but still equal.

10. Most winners are actually determined by a psychic octopus.

11. Every time NBC hosts the Oscars, they get cancelled mid-ceremony.

12. Nicolas Cage has won more Oscars than anyone else in film history, and film future.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relationships Ruined After Names of M. Night Shyamalan Fan Site Users are Leaked

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Sixth Sense Signs, the internet’s biggest M. Night Shyamalan fan site, had its users’ names leaked earlier this week shortly after being hacked. Users of the site report that the leak has taken a toll on their personal relationships.

“My wife and I are definitely fighting a lot more,” said SSS user Geoffrey Yuzna. “Sixth Sense Signs was a place for myself and other Shyamalfans to meet and talk about the movies with love. Now I’m faced with constant judgment from my wife and my peers who don’t understand that one man cannot be satisfied with the predictable plotlines of any other Hollywood filmmaker.”

Many individuals were shocked to discover that their friends and family members had such secretive poor taste in movies, while others view the leak as the final push they needed to burn bridges with those people.

“I always suspected that my girlfriend might have been one of these people,” said Chelsea Flannigan who recently broke up with her long-time partner and SSS site user. “She would say things like ‘The Devil isn’t that bad, or that people would’ve liked ‘The Last Airbender’ more if it wasn’t so hyped up. I mean, differences in opinion are fine, but belonging to a site like this? That’s an insult to me.”

No hacker group has yet come forward to claim responsibility for the leak, but users of the site were quick to believe that plants and trees might be accountable.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Last 30 Minutes of 2 Hour Movie Just Credits List of ‘Digital Artists’

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The highly anticipated Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow hit theaters last Friday, breaking box office records and bringing the famed “Battle Squad” children’s toys to life on the big screen for the third time. Fans of the series were upset, however, upon discovering that the last 30 minutes of the 122 minute epic was just the list of the film’s “Digital Artists” during the ending credits.

The producers of Battle Squad: Age of Tomorrow have been defending their decision to put so many people in the post-production team, saying, “People want these beloved childhood heroes to be as lifelike and realistic as possible. If this means hiring 90 or more people to make sure that John Battleman’s nostrils flare up to precisely the right width when the evil Dr. Insanatee threatens to kill his wife Shirley Schwartz, then by God we’re hiring 90 or more people.”

Other fans have been defending the new film, saying that fans shouldn’t get hung up on how short the film was and should instead focus on how this edition of Battle Squad really pulled out all the stops.

“The moment when John Battlman cuts off his own hand to save his daughter’s life before learning that Dr. Insanatee is her real father and the bomb actually went off already was the coolest part of the entire series,” said one internet blogger. “We wouldn’t have been able to see all of that in such detail if it wasn’t for the digital artists.”

Additionally, a number of digital artists who worked on the movie have come out to defend their positions as well.

“When I went to art school, I never would have thought that my entire industry would be swallowed by the Hollywood machine,” said Amanda Gerscht who worked on the film. “But I’m glad it was. All of the hundreds of fellow art majors who went to my school worked on the film with me, and I’m glad we were able to work together again on an actual Hollywood film, just like we will be forever until every other aspect of filmmaking becomes useless. We are the future. Don’t fight it.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Talkative Workmate Completely Ruining Game of Thrones

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The newest episode of HBO’s hit series Game of Thrones aired last night, becoming the primary conversational subject around the office just like every Monday during the months that new episodes are released. Lately, however, this chatter has started to ruin the show for many longtime Game of Thrones fans in a local Milwaukee office.

Geoffrey Frederman from the human resources department started watching the series when the newest season aired last Sunday without seeing any of the previous four seasons, reports say. Geoffrey has of course become obsessed with the groundbreaking series, however his naïve take on the events depicted in the last two episodes is really starting to ruin things for everybody.

“Man, I didn’t know that attractive guy with the gold hand had three kids with that mean blond lady,” Geoffrey reportedly told several coworkers. “I guess he’s also a horrible person for not raising his kids. Why did they make all the blonds just the worst?”

Everyone in the office who watches the show has decided not to fill Geoffrey on the last four seasons because it would just take way too much time.

“I don’t want to explain why Peter Dinklage is a drunk fugitive or why ‘the hot one with the white hair’ has all these dragons flying about,” said Jan from accounting. “It’s the fifth year of this damn show, he should know this stuff by now.”

Other people in the office have sworn off of the show until they finish reading the books, but Geoffrey was not even aware that a book series existed until last week. Geoffrey has miraculously managed to avoid all spoilers for the entire series, which annoys everyone in the office more.

“Everyone knows what happened to Ned Stark,” continued Jan. “Everyone. People who have never even heard of Sean Bean knows what happened to Ned Stark. Goddammit.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man’s Resume Just List of Shows He’s Watched

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Years into his search for a job, Blaine Eberts has begun submitting resumes to potential employers that are just a complete lists of television shows he has watched or is currently watching. The people who have received his resume are generally split on whether Blaine has simply given up, or if it’s the most genius career tactic ever conceived.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this,” said the manager of a local grocery that Blaine recently applied to. “I mean, it’s great that he’s fully caught up on Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help him stack shelves.”

“See, this is a brilliant move,” said a Human Resources manager at a Bank of America. “By just submitting this list of television programs, he’s telling me that I’m not worth his time and that he thinks he’s above this position. It shows how badly he wants to move straight to the top and makes me want to hire him more because I now crave his respect.”

In fact, it does appear that Blaine spent a lot of time crafting this unconventional resume. Everything is color-coded and listed by genre, and it includes charts and graphs for elements such as average number of laughs per episode, average number of deaths per episode, average percentage of non-white people and average number of appearances by Nick Kroll.

Blaine was not available to comment; he’s been busy ever since M*A*S*H was added to Netflix streaming.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #03 – Ben Affleck; Tom Hanks; Samuel L. Jackson

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Welcome to  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one source for completely legitimate celebrity news,  updated weekly.  Here’s what’s happening this week to three of your favorite actors:

 

1. Ben Affleck Did Not Attend This Year’s St. Patrick’s Day Celebration

Actor and filmmaker Ben Affleck did not attend today’s St. Patrick’s Day celebration in Boston for the first time in over 15 years, reports say. This has shocked Bostonians because Affleck always plays an integral part of the festivities as the city’s official hero. Every year the actor is paraded through the streets on a giant float and allowed any woman he chooses, but the Oscar winner appears to have intentionally missed this year’s St. Patrick’s Day. Affleck hasn’t given any explanation as to why he decided to skip this year, however it seems Mark Wahlberg has taken Affleck’s place.

 

2. Tom Hanks Most Perfect Human Specimen,  Scientists Say

“Tom Hanks is the most realistic specimen of human perfection,” according to a group of anthropologists who believe their search for the perfect human is finally over. The team has spent nearly two decades studying tens of thousands of people who claim to have reached the pinnacle of biological and psychological human perfection, however all candidates have failed at least one of their tests. Actor Tom Hanks, on the other hand, appears to be the only infallible human being on the planet and has passed every test that would deem him perfect both at a genetic and psychological level. Hanks modestly says he’s just “happy to help” and plans to donate his body to science upon his passing in a few millennia.

 

3. Samuel L. Jackson Officially Not a Big Deal

Actor Samuel L. Jackson is no longer a highly coveted commodity in the movie industry, reports “Interior Hollywood,” a leading film industry online publication. Jackson was once considered a “badass Hollywood legend,” but in the last few years has held too many roles in too many movies to hold the same status he did in the early 2000s, according to the same publication. Celebrity theorists have already begun referring to Jackson as the “Black Nick Cage” and don’t think it will be long until the actor becomes a cheap parody of himself unless he starts saying “no” a little more often.

 

That does it for this week’s celebrity gossip.  Check back next Tuesday for an updated account of important people’s lives.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About DC Superheroes

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Last week we ran a piece about 10 Bizarre Facts You Won’t Believe About Marvel Superheroes.  The strangeness doesn’t stop there,  however,  as Marvel’s biggest competitor is not without its own character quirks.  Here are 10 of the strangest qualities about superheroes from the DC Comics universe.

 

1. The Flash had a female counterpart called “The Lady Flash,” however her comic was banned for nudity despite its unparalleled success.

2. Supergirl is actually Superman’s cousin. Krypto the Superdog is Superman’s uncle.

3. The Martian Manhunter is a shape-shifter who could lose the weight anytime he wants to. He’s just doesn’t want to right now.

4. Zatanna dresses like a stripper dressed as a magician to trick her enemies. In reality, she is an actual magician.

5. Before women’s suffrage, Wonder Woman was the Justice League’s secretary.

6. In the comics, Aquaman is the King of Atlantis. He often teams up with The Human Claus, King of the North Pole.

7. Black Canary’s main power is a supersonic screech, so she’s useless in space.

8. Batman doesn’t actually have any superpowers. His alter ego, Bruce Wayne, is just a billionaire who uses gadgets to fight crime in his decrepit city.

9. Green Arrow doesn’t actually have any superpowers. His alter ego, Oliver Queen, is just a billionaire who uses gadgets to fight crime in his decrepit city.

10. Cyborg was born half human and half machine. His father was a prominent computer technician and software developer, and his mother was a ’92 IBM computer.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #02 – Harrison Ford; Kim Kardashian; Justin Bieber

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Welcome to this week’s edition of  “Celeb Watch,”  the internet’s number one celebrity gossip blog you’ve never heard of.  Here’s what’s happening this week in the lives of people more important than you:

 

1. Harrison Ford Beaches Submarine

Last week, actor Harrison Ford crashed a small plane on a golf course while flying it recreationally. The star of films such as Star Wars and Blade Runner made a speedy recovery and was released from the hospital a few days later, however early this morning Ford reportedly beached a small one-man submarine on a shore just outside of Los Angeles. Early reports say that the actor will probably be okay, however authorities have begun impounding his vehicles so that he doesn’t wreck anything else when he is released from the hospital. The state of California might suspend his driving license, boating license, piloting license, spaceship license and horse license pending a hearing sometime this month, according to some reports.

 

2. Kim Kardashian Comes Out as Blond

Kim Kardashian shocked some of her fans this week when she revealed that she is actually a blonde. The announcement was made via social media when Kim posted several images of her true self via Instagram. Many of her friends and family say they have always suspected this about Kim but didn’t want to address it until she was comfortable enough to say it first. No word yet on how this might affect her modeling career or acting career or whatever it is that she does exactly, but so far her fans and the blonde community have been nothing but supportive.

 

3. Justin Bieber Publishes Dissertation on Swagger

And lastly for this week, Justin Bieber has published his dissertation on swagger, titled “The Nature of Swag, Girl,” which he wrote to receive his doctorate in music. The young pop sensation has been trying to earn his doctorate from Turnt University for several years now and hopes to become the next big doctor of music since Dr. Dre. Some time this summer, Bieber will have to defend his dissertation in front of a panel of seasoned musicians who include Christina Aguilera, Adam Levine, Blake Shelton and Pharrell Williams.

 

That’s it for gossip this week.  Check back this Tuesday for more and every other weekday for other stories.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How To Visit A Movie Theater Successfully

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Before I begin, I would like to state that all of this is beneath me. I have not seen a film since after the movie “Jaws” was released because that was the point in which film was cemented as entertainment for the commoner, and I am not a commoner. Additionally, any man with half my strength, guile and fullness of hair could easily take on a shark such as the one depicted in that film.

With the rapid rise in ticket prices, however, film might become an entertainment source for the elite within a decade. It is because of this that I now turn my attention towards movie going.

 

1. Attire. There was a time when people wore full suits and ball gowns for an evening out to the movie theater, and that time died when hippies and slackers took over the industry. If you are to visit a movie theater in the most successful way possible, you must do so in the fashion that Thomas Edison intended when he single-handedly invented film as a means to blackmail other inventors who refused to take advantage of capitalism. If you are not in a full suit then you don’t deserve to be in public anyway.

 

2. Concessions. Don’t buy them. Candy, popcorn and soft drinks are for children. Starve if you must, it’s the theater’s fault for not serving any red meat or cognac.

 

3. Volume. It is essential to raise your voice while the film is playing. By giving your commentary on the events depicted in the film, you are letting everyone in your proximity know that your word matters more than the word of the filmmakers, which will always be true because filmmaking is a farcical profession for clowns and unshaven, glasses-wearing men. By speaking louder than Kevin Hart is shouting on screen, you have achieved vocal dominance within the theater and your fellow moviegoers will respect you for it.

 

This concludes this week’s portion of “How to Succeed.” There will be another post in one week. Until then, try to be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.