Before I begin, I would like to state that all of this is beneath me. I have not seen a film since after the movie “Jaws” was released because that was the point in which film was cemented as entertainment for the commoner, and I am not a commoner. Additionally, any man with half my strength, guile and fullness of hair could easily take on a shark such as the one depicted in that film.

With the rapid rise in ticket prices, however, film might become an entertainment source for the elite within a decade. It is because of this that I now turn my attention towards movie going.

 

1. Attire. There was a time when people wore full suits and ball gowns for an evening out to the movie theater, and that time died when hippies and slackers took over the industry. If you are to visit a movie theater in the most successful way possible, you must do so in the fashion that Thomas Edison intended when he single-handedly invented film as a means to blackmail other inventors who refused to take advantage of capitalism. If you are not in a full suit then you don’t deserve to be in public anyway.

 

2. Concessions. Don’t buy them. Candy, popcorn and soft drinks are for children. Starve if you must, it’s the theater’s fault for not serving any red meat or cognac.

 

3. Volume. It is essential to raise your voice while the film is playing. By giving your commentary on the events depicted in the film, you are letting everyone in your proximity know that your word matters more than the word of the filmmakers, which will always be true because filmmaking is a farcical profession for clowns and unshaven, glasses-wearing men. By speaking louder than Kevin Hart is shouting on screen, you have achieved vocal dominance within the theater and your fellow moviegoers will respect you for it.

 

This concludes this week’s portion of “How to Succeed.” There will be another post in one week. Until then, try to be better than what you are now.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.