Your weekly horoscope for March 9th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You might feel like your friends have been avoiding you lately. This is because you smell weird and are way too into The Walking Dead.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Heartbreak can be tough, but you’ll be stronger for it. Either that or you’ll need surgery.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Your decision to make healthier choices isn’t panning out as quickly as you had hoped… maybe it’s time to cut your losses and go back to your usual slops.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I don’t think he’s gonna call you back either.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You’ve been working really hard lately and it feels like your boss hasn’t noticed. That’s because he’s busy taking credit for your work and thinking about purchasing a second boat.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Don’t forget to add salt.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You will come into a great amount of wealth later this week. Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s feces. You will come into a great amount of feces later this week.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You need to get that checked out by a doctor, okay? I really can’t help you.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Someone is about to enter your life and change it forever. Then someone else is going to leave your life and change it a lot but it’ll wear off. And then three more people will enter your life. One will change it forever, one will change it slightly at first but gradually more change will be noticeable, and one won’t affect you that much. And then all of them will die.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Remember that money you set aside for a rainy day? Well I’m looking at your job situation right now and boy is there a storm coming…
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Think of a number between 1 and 10. Was it 7? Don’t lie, you know it was 7.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You are at a crossroads right now. Unfortunately it’s not the kind with Ralph Macchio; you can’t play your guitar out of this one.
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