30 Common Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Friday the 13th

Tomorrow is that dreaded day that comes every few months and brings bad luck to everyone around you No, I’m not talking about when your certifiable ex finds out which state you’re living in, I’m talking about Friday the 13th.

Throughout Western society, Friday the 13th has been associated with superstition, misfortune, and ‘Miss Fortune,’ who is a stripper that incorporates fortune cookies into her routine. Throughout Eastern society, Friday the 13th is just a normal day. In this article we’ll take a look behind the meaning of the more popular superstitions associated with Friday the 13th, as well as ways to protect yourself from toxic bad luck.

But first, some history. Friday the 13th started in Europe in the year 1313, on the thirteenth day of the month of Blumkrember, shortly before the Catholic Church declared that there were only twelve months in a year. A series of murders occurred in the British kingdom of Crystal Lake that related to the death of a young monarch named King Jason Voorhees. Evidence suggests the deaths were perpetrated by the victim’s mother, but they happened in such a way that they were all deemed bad luck instead of murders. Over the centuries, the date has been obfuscated into a day of supernatural woe.

One of the more well known Friday the 13th traditions is the belief that cracking a mirror will bring seven years of bad luck. In fact, this belief comes from the ancient Romans who did not know that mirrors were not people. Every Roman believed that he or she had an evil twin, and that it was this twin who was looking back at them through a window; they had no idea what reflections were. It was believed that if you broke a mirror, you were actually breaking your twin’s body, and that it would take up to seven years to heal.

Crossing under a ladder is another superstition associated with Friday the 13th. According to the myth, if you walk under a ladder, you might end up landing on a chute that will take you all the back to the twenty-fourth space.

There is also the tradition that crossing paths with a black cat will bring you back luck. There exists some truth in this superstition, because all cats are psychopaths and if you get in a cat’s way it will find you and make your life a living hell.

And of course, there’s the old wives’ tale that stepping on a crack might bring an early death. In fact, this is only true if the crack is a fault line, a sinkhole, or the narcotic of the same name.

There are several ways to prevent bad luck from coming your way this Friday. Salt is known for its ability to stave off evil, so it would be wise to rub salt into every orifice of your body to make sure no evil can enter it. Some people also prefer to just stay in bed the whole day, but since 20% of Americans die in bed, it’s safer instead to lie on the floor for the whole day. Additionally, wearing your clothes backwards on Friday the 13th has been known to bring good luck, plus it has the added bonus of nobody wanting to talk to you the whole day.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Comcast Offers New Sports Package That Automatically Censors NFL Players Kneeling During National Anthem

Comcast recently announced a new sports package that will be available this weekend that automatically censors any NFL player who chooses to kneel during the national anthem. The package will cost $69.99 per month and uses the same state of the art censorship technology employed by the FOX Network to make President Trump appear like a sane person.

“Our Smart Censor software will mask any protesters in the NFL through on-the-spot cropping, tasteful blurring, and additional advertisements,” said a Comcast spokesperson. “Our viewers deserve to anesthetize themselves from the problems of the world by watching sports, not to be reminded of them.”

The announcement has been met with positive reviews among NFL fans, who believe this is an appropriate step to making themselves feel better.

“I get so angry every time I see a player kneeling during the anthem,” says lifelong NFL fan Dale Brumner. “As a veteran, I feel more disrespected than any minority in this country ever has in the history of the entire country, ever.”

Some have been criticizing Comcast for trying to capitalize on an issue that is dividing America, similar to when Dairy Queen offered a free Blizzard to anyone getting an abortion, or when Disney offered 50% off on all amusement park tickets if customers brought a gun. Dale, however, says it’s a brilliant idea.

“I would pay any amount of money to show that I love and support this country and condemn those who don’t. Kneeling during the anthem is a crime worse than taxation, and I’ll have nothing to do with it.”

The package will be available later this week and hundreds of preorders are already in. Several networks have announced that they will also attempt to circumvent the kneeling protests in different ways. ABC will play beer commercials over the anthem, CBS will show images of random Americans standing all over the country, and NBC has cancelled football altogether and will instead air a still image of the American flag every Sunday for five hours while playing the national anthem on a loop.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.