Loose-Cannon Detective Partnered With By-The-Book Cop

Detective Jane Deckland of the Los Angeles Police Department reportedly became upset when her captain ordered her to take detective Barton Malloy, a so-called “milquetoast desk jockey,” as her partner. Deckland insists she works better alone.

“I single-handedly chased down a suspect on horseback while holding my sister’s baby in one hand and defusing a bomb in the other,” said Deckland. “I once had to prove my loyalty to a gang I infiltrated by snorting twelve different brands of cocaine at the same time. I’ve driven cars into speeding trains and steered runaway trains into speeding cars. I don’t need a goddamn partner.”

Deckland’s commanding officer, Captain Tyshawn Wilkes, says that Los Angeles is hemorrhaging money because of all the active lawsuits against the city whenever Deckland does something over the top.

“You’re out of control, Deckland,” Wilkes reportedly shouted at his best detective. “We can’t have you running around the city loose and wild anymore. You need to be put on a leash, like they did with my teenage son after he bit his teacher.”

Deckland became so livid that she yelled, threw objects around the room, and repeatedly fired her weapon at the sun.

Detective Malloy was also not happy with the new assignment. Malloy says he’s comfortable working desk duty and isn’t thrilled about returning to the field for the first time in thirteen years.

“My greatest dream in life is dying at my desk,” says Malloy, “because a giant racist tooth beat me in an arm-wrestling contest and then shot me. I haven’t had that dream since I stopped taking Percocet, but it was a pretty great one.”

Captain Wilkes says he’s confident that Malloy’s proclivity for caution and Birkenstocks is exactly what will keep Deckland in line, and that Deckland’s determination and .45 Magnum will teach Malloy to be a little more assertive. Their cases will likely be assigned weekly and will wrap up nicely in a thirty-minute block, with commercials.


Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Loose Cannon Cop Waits Until Last Minute to File Paperwork

Sgt. Jack McMahon of the Los Angles police department was nearly suspended yesterday for periodically filing his paperwork at the last possible minute.

McMahon is known throughout the precinct for always breaking the rules and doing things his own way. Some of the other stunts he’s pulled include leaving his badge on his desk while getting a candy bar from the vending machine, and not telling custodial staff when he uses the last of the toilet paper.

Some of the cops in the precinct admire McMahon’s renegade, plays-by-his-own-rules style, but others, like Police Chief Gunderson, feel that McMahon’s attitude is hurting the precinct’s image.

“His recklessness is costing this city out the nose,” said Police Chief Gunderson. “But goddamn it if he isn’t the best cop on the force.”

For a while, Chief Gunderson had partnered McMahon with a straight-laced cop who follows the rules and plays it by the book in hopes that it would teach McMahon a little bit about respect and integrity. Their partnership exploded, however, when McMahon’s partner caught the loose cannon doing his wife.

Sorry, that was a typo. It should read “…doing his wife’s paperwork.”


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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.