Loose-Cannon Detective Partnered With By-The-Book Cop

Detective Jane Deckland of the Los Angeles Police Department reportedly became upset when her captain ordered her to take detective Barton Malloy, a so-called “milquetoast desk jockey,” as her partner. Deckland insists she works better alone.

“I single-handedly chased down a suspect on horseback while holding my sister’s baby in one hand and defusing a bomb in the other,” said Deckland. “I once had to prove my loyalty to a gang I infiltrated by snorting twelve different brands of cocaine at the same time. I’ve driven cars into speeding trains and steered runaway trains into speeding cars. I don’t need a goddamn partner.”

Deckland’s commanding officer, Captain Tyshawn Wilkes, says that Los Angeles is hemorrhaging money because of all the active lawsuits against the city whenever Deckland does something over the top.

“You’re out of control, Deckland,” Wilkes reportedly shouted at his best detective. “We can’t have you running around the city loose and wild anymore. You need to be put on a leash, like they did with my teenage son after he bit his teacher.”

Deckland became so livid that she yelled, threw objects around the room, and repeatedly fired her weapon at the sun.

Detective Malloy was also not happy with the new assignment. Malloy says he’s comfortable working desk duty and isn’t thrilled about returning to the field for the first time in thirteen years.

“My greatest dream in life is dying at my desk,” says Malloy, “because a giant racist tooth beat me in an arm-wrestling contest and then shot me. I haven’t had that dream since I stopped taking Percocet, but it was a pretty great one.”

Captain Wilkes says he’s confident that Malloy’s proclivity for caution and Birkenstocks is exactly what will keep Deckland in line, and that Deckland’s determination and .45 Magnum will teach Malloy to be a little more assertive. Their cases will likely be assigned weekly and will wrap up nicely in a thirty-minute block, with commercials.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Black Cop Unsure Who to Hate

Officer Travis McCormick, a black police officer from Kentucky, has reportedly had a difficult time figuring out whom to hate ever since police brutality and racial discrimination have become popular topics of media controversy.

“I used to be able to pull over speeders regardless of their race,” said McCormick. “Now I can’t pull over black drivers without feeling guilty or white drivers without being accused of racism.”

McCormick says that everything about his job and his life is starting to revolve around racial unrest, which puts the long-time officer in a general state of confusion.

“Often my fellow officers will joke around and ask me how my day was robbing convenient stores and stealing cars,” continued McCormick. “Then a few black people I meet while I’m in uniform will ask me how my day beating and strangling minorities is going. I don’t do either of those things, and I don’t know which one I find more offensive.”

McCormick has managed to find a positive to being stuck between two worlds, however.

“In my precinct all police officers are required to arrest no less than six black suspects a month. Any officer in this town is lucky to come across six criminals in a year, so usually I just place myself under arrest and then let myself go after letting myself sit in my squad car for a few hours. All the other officers think all black people look the same, so I haven’t been caught yet.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #09 – How Do I Talk to my Son About Drugs and Alcohol?

Happy Thursday! My name is Brittany von Beuren and Im glad to be back to answer your tough life questions for another week!

This weeks questin comes from my fan Maureen Denningham. She says…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, I’m growing more and more afraid that my eldest son might be experimenting with drugs and alcohol. He’s become a lot more closed off and I can smell what I think is marijuana in his bedroom. I’m worried about what this will do to our family because I’m afraid he’s going to start butting heads with his father who’s a police officer and very much against this sort of behavior. How do I approach my son about the dangers of substance abuse and try to maintain equilibrium in the household?

 

Answer: Thank you for writing in Maureen but I gotta say I side with your son on this one. I think your beeing a total bitch and you need to layoff.

First of all so what if hes smoking the reefer?? Marawana is like the least harmfull drung on there. Hes not using needles so he cant get autism, hes not takin pills so he cant get sexually assalted, and hes not using hallucinagens so he cant accidently marry a dog. But that bean said, any of those ar fine in moderation. Its ok to make those mistakes, its part of growin up. Heel be fine aslong as he learns from it and finds a good animal divorse lawyer.

And its fine for father and son to be buttheads aslong as it doesnt interfear with being YOU. You sound like the tipe of person who never leaves the house, neve goes outside or never gives a blowjob to get out of a speeding ticket. Expand your verizons…maybe even start smoking wit your son so you can bond together. The only time my mom was actualy bareable was when she was high so maybe try that too. Maybe let him drink at breakfest with you instead of scolding him.

 

Anyway thanks for writing in Maureen! To you other ladies out there, make sure you ask me your questions in the comments of this or on my Twitter. Who knows… maybe Ill pick you! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.