You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly advice column written by the staff of Circus Killer News. Our staff might be young and attractive, but the untold wisdom that we gained from eating crystals gives us the authority to tell you how to live your life.
Today’s question comes to us from Makayla Sinnis from Kingsdale, Florida. She writes…
“Dear Circus Killer News,
I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, and for as long as I can remember, people keep breaking into it and using it as a place to commit crimes. Last week as I approached my car in the parking lot of where I do grass fed yoga, I noticed two old men doing heroin in the back seat. They picked the lock with their drug needle that they were sharing, and both of them were only wearing socks. Then there was a time when I was stuck in traffic on my way to work, and a group of rowdy teenagers who were skipping school climbed on top of my Prius, smashed open the sunroof, and crawled inside to drink alcohol and listen to profane music after pushing me out onto the highway. My car has been broken into and made into a crime scene at least three dozen times, and I can’t figure out why this is happening to me.”
Makayla, the truth is, you actually don’t have a problem here. The Toyota Prius is the worst selling car in America because of how lame it is. In order to increase sales, Toyota lobbied Congress to pass a federal law that states that no one can be convicted of any crime that takes place inside a Prius. Americans still don’t buy the worthless commie virgin-mobile, but there’s nothing illegal about breaking into one and committing crimes inside of it. Try driving literally any other car, and you won’t have this problem.
In case that isn’t an option, there are a few things that you can do to keep your car from getting broken into so often. You could try painting your car to resembling something that is not a Prius, such as a Ford F-150, a hippopotamus, the Second Amendment, or anything else that Americans believe is too sacred to mess around with. You could also try wrapping strips of barbed wire around your car, but this will likely attract perverts, which could potentially make matters far worse.
The only other thing we would recommend is to get some sort of custom car alarm that would scare off anyone who trips it. Instead of the usual beeping and honking, you could have your car blast hippopotamus mating sounds, which is a sight too glorious and sacred to behold. Other sounds that would scare people off include ghosts fighting, the echoey groan of an empty vending machine, and any foreign music. You could also have your car play the National Anthem, which would force anyone in earshot to immediately stop what they’re doing, even if they’re breaking into your car, and bow their head in prayer.
We hope this helps, Makayla, but if you ever tell anyone that we gave assistance to the owner of a Prius then we could lose our reporting license, so keep this to yourself.
Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.