15 Best Excuses For Getting Out Of Jury Duty

Serving on a jury is an American obligation that nobody wants to do, just like paying taxes or chugging a can of beer while speeding in your Ford pick-up to your cozy coalmining job. Everyone searches for an excuse to get out of jury duty, but it can be difficult to tell what works and what doesn’t. Here’s a list of excuses that have been proven to work.

 

1. Give yourself Pink Eye.

2. If it’s a criminal court, confess to the crime. If they believe you you’ll be a defendant instead of a juror.

3. Use one of your three “get out of jury free” cards that every American gets wen they turn 18.

4. Don’t stop dancing during your entire summons and claim that you have a disease where if you stop dancing, your heart stops. You will be such an annoyance that they’ll have to dismiss you.

5. Conceal a large analog clock on your person. Security will hear the ticking, assume you have a bomb, and deny you entry into the courthouse.

6. Hire an actor to take your place.

7. Insist that they can’t handle the truth.

8. Try to get abducted the night before your summons.

9. Explain that judging others is against your religion.

10. Get a note from your doctor that says you have “Inflammatory Gaseous Syndrome,” and that your excessive flatulence would be an undeniable distraction to your fellow jurors.

11. Bribe the judge with unlimited breadsticks.

12. Wear the clothes and makeup of 17th century French nobility and continuously shout, “Off with his head!”

13. Enroll in a college and take only one course each semester. You’ll be able to get out of jury duty as a student for the next forty years.

14. Successfully convince everyone that you are a brain in a jar, and that you cannot make it to the courtroom without a body.

15. Have you ever heard of a billionaire serving on a jury? Me neither… so just be super rich.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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9 Exciting New TV Shows Coming This Fall

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Night-Eagle

Sovereign City has been America’s crime-ridden embarrassment for decades. Once a benchmark of metropolitan greatness, the city has devolved into a cesspool of violence and moral destitution. With the local government seemingly unable or uninterested in saving Sovereign City and its people, is there any hope that the city will have its time in the light again? Is there anything that can inspire the citizens of SC to build a better society? Some SC residents say they have found a source of hope and inspiration in their dying city, and that source is the elusive and mysterious vigilante known as “The Night-Eagle.”

The first sighting of this costumed crusader was last November. Rose Carlisle, an elderly woman who has been living in SC her whole life, was walking down a darkened, deserted street one night when she was mugged by an unknown assailant. The assailant took her purse, pushed her to the ground, and said something that was insulting but still age appropriate. Before Rose knew what was happening, a masked man in an eagle suit swooped down and tackled the mugger.

“It was the second most incredible thing I have ever seen,” said Rose. “The first was seeing Muse in concert eight years ago.”

The masked man beat the mugger senseless before returning Rose’s purse to her.

“He was muscular. He had a long beak instead of a mouth and nose, and black bulletproof feathered wings. I thanked him and asked who he was, but he just squawked and flew off into the night.”

Since then, dozens of sightings of the Night-Eagle have cropped up all around Sovereign City. Each sighting took place at night and involved the prevention of a crime.

“I saw him tear into a carjacker,” said Devon Lucas, another witness. “He landed on top of the car and ripped off the roof with these big talons he had, then he pecked at the thief driving it until he crashed.”

Since his appearance, the Night-Eagle has been a major point of controversy in local government. The mayor of Sovereign City officially denounced the Night-Eagle’s actions in a recent press conference.

“He’s a menace to society,” said the mayor, “no different than the criminals he assaults. We don’t need a bird of prey running around with no authority, dealing out justice as he sees fit.” The mayor of Sovereign City has approved a special taskforce to arrest the Night-Eagle, despite the vigilante having the support of many law enforcement officers.

But as with any major issue, the question must be asked… what do wealthy celebrities have to say? Vick Vaughn, a local billionaire playboy and owner/inheritor of Vaughn Inc, the largest corporation in Sovereign City, says the Night-Eagle is a disgrace.

“He hasn’t done any good for this city,” said Vaughn at an annual fundraiser he hosts that raises money to install helicopter pads on yachts. Vaughn has a personal connection to crime because both his parents were murdered in front of him as a child when a moviegoer shot them for loudly talking throughout a showing of “The Angry Birds Movie.”

“If you want to see good being done for this city then just look at me,” continued Vaughn as he scratched at a mysterious injury on his neck. “The Vaughn Foundation raised over 36 million dollars last year to help restore the orphanages that were blown up by the Night-Eagle’s arch-nemesis ‘The Poacher.’ I don’t support the Night-Eagle’s actions and I distance myself from him in every way possible.”

But who is the Night-Eagle beneath the beak? Is he a hero, a criminal, or just a weirdo? Is he like a pride parade in that he’s having a positive effect on the city despite being controversial, or is he more like an erection on an airplane in that he’s doing more harm than good? Do I have time to write a better ending than this?

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.