KILLER ADVICE: How Can I Stop People From Breaking Into My Car And Committing Crimes Inside Of It?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly advice column written by the staff of Circus Killer News. Our staff might be young and attractive, but the untold wisdom that we gained from eating crystals gives us the authority to tell you how to live your life.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Makayla Sinnis from Kingsdale, Florida. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, and for as long as I can remember, people keep breaking into it and using it as a place to commit crimes. Last week as I approached my car in the parking lot of where I do grass fed yoga, I noticed two old men doing heroin in the back seat. They picked the lock with their drug needle that they were sharing, and both of them were only wearing socks. Then there was a time when I was stuck in traffic on my way to work, and a group of rowdy teenagers who were skipping school climbed on top of my Prius, smashed open the sunroof, and crawled inside to drink alcohol and listen to profane music after pushing me out onto the highway. My car has been broken into and made into a crime scene at least three dozen times, and I can’t figure out why this is happening to me.”

 

Makayla, the truth is, you actually don’t have a problem here. The Toyota Prius is the worst selling car in America because of how lame it is. In order to increase sales, Toyota lobbied Congress to pass a federal law that states that no one can be convicted of any crime that takes place inside a Prius. Americans still don’t buy the worthless commie virgin-mobile, but there’s nothing illegal about breaking into one and committing crimes inside of it. Try driving literally any other car, and you won’t have this problem.

In case that isn’t an option, there are a few things that you can do to keep your car from getting broken into so often. You could try painting your car to resembling something that is not a Prius, such as a Ford F-150, a hippopotamus, the Second Amendment, or anything else that Americans believe is too sacred to mess around with. You could also try wrapping strips of barbed wire around your car, but this will likely attract perverts, which could potentially make matters far worse.

The only other thing we would recommend is to get some sort of custom car alarm that would scare off anyone who trips it. Instead of the usual beeping and honking, you could have your car blast hippopotamus mating sounds, which is a sight too glorious and sacred to behold. Other sounds that would scare people off include ghosts fighting, the echoey groan of an empty vending machine, and any foreign music. You could also have your car play the National Anthem, which would force anyone in earshot to immediately stop what they’re doing, even if they’re breaking into your car, and bow their head in prayer.

We hope this helps, Makayla, but if you ever tell anyone that we gave assistance to the owner of a Prius then we could lose our reporting license, so keep this to yourself.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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The 15 Best Black Friday Deals of 2014

Many Americans have been shopping since yesterday afternoon to take advantage of those irresistible Black Friday deals. To make things a little easier, Circus Killer went ahead and found the best savings out there to make your shopping experience as efficient as possible. Here are the 15 best deals we could find.

 

1. Item: Apple iWatch (preorder).
Price: 10% off when trading in $300.00
Available at: The Apple store

2. Item: Summer dresses.
Price: 70% off
Available at: JCPenney

3. Item: Human kidney (2 for 1).
Price: $69.99
Available on: Amazon

4. Item: Cleats for trampling fellow shoppers.
Price: Free
Available at: All Walmart entryways.

5. Item: Leftover turkey.
Price: $16.99
Available at: ShopRite

6. Item: Deepest sinful desires.
Price: Your eternal soul.
Available at: Any demonic summoning.

7. Item: About three dozen diseases.
Price: For leaving your home.
Available at: All shopping malls.

8. Item: Fondle-Me-Freddie™ (with specially included fingly ticklers).
Price: $29.95
Available at: Everywhere toys are sold.

9. Item: Brand new Ford F-150
Price: $40
Available at: Select Midwestern dealerships.

10. Item: Red Ryder carbine-action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
Price: $10.99
Available in: 1946

11. Item: Basic Instinct on VHS video.
Price: $0.45
Available at: MovieStop

12. Item: Jar of children’s teeth.
Price: $42.11
Available on: Craigslist

13. Item: Plans to the Death Star.
Price: The lives of countless Bothan spies.
Available on: Yavin IV.

14. Item: Medium-sized Korean family.
Price: $299.99
Available at: Target

15: Item: Good, wholesome Christian values.
Price: Free
Available: Everywhere since the Lord is within all of us.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Ford Unveils Plans for Line of New Glass-Bottom Cars

Ford spokeswoman Geraldine Page spoke today about the company’s plans to have at least three models of glass-bottom vehicles on the road by 2017. The initial announcement was made last month by the company’s CEO Harrison Ford, but not much was known about the project until Page spoke at a press conference this morning.

“Ford has always prided itself on bringing our customers safety and reliability,” said Page. “We have been on the frontline of innovation for decades and are proud to take this next step towards the future.”

The new feature will allow drivers to identify the things they run over as they’re running over them, as well as to help initiate conversation with passengers about how much the particular road they’re on is in need of repaving.

To make sure nothing gets in the way of the experience, Ford plans to make the under-workings of each vehicle out of glass as well. Said Page, “Above anything else, drivers need to be able to see the road clearly. That much glass in a car might sound dangerous, but studies show that the chances of an accident occurring are greatly reduced if the driver has his or her eyes on the road.”

Page failed to comment, but rumors are that Ford plans on adding this feature to three brand new models. They are the “Shatter,” a 2-door sport, the “Window,” a mini-van, and a crossover called the “Crack.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Local Bus Driver Caught Operating Normal-Size Car, License Suspended

Emilio Oher, a 46-year-old school bus driver in Connecticut, was arrested yesterday evening after being pulled over for speeding in a ’97 Ford Taurus. Authorities impounded the vehicle and suspended Oher’s license upon discovering the man’s true profession.

Oher claims the vehicle belongs to him, but local police have their doubts since the car isn’t long and yellow. Officers have been trying to locate the Ford’s real owner, but so far no one has come forward. If convicted, this will be the third offense for Oher who was indicted twice before for similar offenses.

Of course the scandal has concerned many parents in the area, who wonder how such a deviant could be employed by the school system. At the behest of the parents, an investigation is underway to determine if any other drivers in the school district have ever driven ordinary-sized automobiles in the past.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.