Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 2)

A recent survey found that death is the third most common fear among US citizens, right after nuclear war and spiders. Many Americans feel the need to take precautions against that which can kill them, but more often than not they are ignorant as to which mortal perils are lurking in their area. This list of the most common cause of death in each of the 50 states will help you better understand which dangers to look out for.
Click here for Part 1.

 

1. Minnesota: freezing to death.

2. Georgia: various STD’s from a prostitute named “Peaches.”

3. New York: trampled by Times Square tourists.

4. Iowa: getting lost on your way to Illinois.

5. North Dakota: shot by Canadian border patrol while attempting to illegally flee the United States.

6. Connecticut: alcohol poisoning at a Yale frat house.

7. California: attacked by a shark while sunbathing in a celebrity’s backyard that you snuck onto.

8. North Carolina: injuries acquired during a NASCAR explosion.

9. Hawaii: stepping too close to an active volcano.

10. Wyoming: stepping too close to an active geyser.

11. Kansas: tornadoes.

12. New Mexico: leftover radiation from nuclear weapons tests and the Roswell crash.

13. Louisiana: voodoo curse.

14. West Virginia: complications from inbreeding.

15. Alabama: crushed under the weight of a collapsing Confederate statue.

16. New Jersey: suffering a heart attack in an empty casino where there’s no one around to help.

17. Michigan: not being able to afford clean water.

18. Nebraska: not being white enough.

19. Ohio: choking to death on corn.

20. Tennessee: becoming a megachurch’s sacrificial offering.

21. Nevada: bachelor party.

22. South Dakota: attacked by a bald eagle after defiling Mount Rushmore.

23. New Hampshire: wounds sustained in the Great Vermont-New Hampshire Border War.

24. Colorado: getting stranded on a ski lift that is being operated by someone under the influence of marijuana.

25. Texas: lethal injection after being convicted of a misdemeanor.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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11 Back to School Tips (College)

Whether you’re just starting out or it’s your senior year, moving into college can be stressful. Take these tips into account to make your collegiate transition simple and smooth!

 

1. Know which of your organs you can live without. This will make paying for textbooks swift and easy.

2. Learn each of your professor’s vices so you don’t waste any time when you need to blackmail them for a higher grade.

3. If a pencil is yellow, it’s ripe and ready to use. If it has turned brown then it has likely gone bad and you shouldn’t buy it.

4. Befriend your roommate’s dealer immediately.

5. Make sure all of the posters you put up in your dorm are of normal interests befitting of an ordinary young person. This ruse will ensure your roommates believe you to be an average, unassuming earth-human.

6. Check to see if your college or university has a deal with local fax machine vendors before purchasing one.

7. Carry an automatic weapon with you at all times in the event of an active shooter situation, you magnificent hero.

8. Delta house’s Boogie Nights party might not be until February, but it’s always the hottest party of the year. Start preparing!

9. Make sure to join your school’s Gay-Straight Student Alliance Club or you’ll be bullied all semester.

10. You should have a fake ID by the time you get to college so that you can easily purchase fake alcohol.

11. When you break into your professor’s condo to steal the answers to every test this semester, make sure you also take any electronics or jewelry he or she might have so it looks like a regular burglary.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Eat Successfully

My name is John Francais Callahan. By the time you finish reading this sentence I’ll have made enough money to buy everything you own out from under you. Instead of destroying you, however, I offer my wisdom on becoming a wealthy, successful and powerful man so that I can create more powerful enemies to destroy at a later date.

Today I will be addressing the topic of eating. Most people know how to do it, unless of course they’ve forgotten due to irreparable brain damage from a horse archery accident like the daughter of one of my billionaire coworkers, but few people know how to do it successfully. Eating correctly is a valuable skill to have because most business deals take place either over meals or during illegal yacht parties in international waters where nude models typically serve food anyway.

Here are some things to keep in mind while eating.

 

1. Ordering. First of all, no meal should ever be eaten in your home. A home cooked meal is for children and immigrants who can’t afford takeout. All of your meals should be eaten in restaurants, on airplanes or off of a blond hooker’s body if you happen to be entertaining some Japanese businessmen in your office.

Your waitress, like most serving staff, should be female. This is for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that their bodies are simply built better for carrying things. But there is a passive, subconscious sexual tango between myself and every waitress who serves me, and it starts with ordering.

Start by ordering the most expensive bottle of brown liquor the establishment has. This will impress everyone in your immediate area and it’s what successful men deserve. If you’re in a restaurant that doesn’t serve any brown liquor then let someone else order for you. I’m not going to pretend I know anything about feminine drinks like wine or water, and even though letting someone else order for you could be misconstrued as a sacrifice of power, it’s always inappropriate to lie unless you’re discussing your income with the IRS.

Next you have to order food. Your entrée needs to have meat, and there are only two kinds of meat you’re allowed to eat – beef, or anything you have hunted and killed personally. Often you will be prompted to order a soup or salad with your meal. Never order salad. Vegetables are just food for actual food, at no point should they pass your lips. Additionally, appetizers are only appropriate if at least one other person in your party is also ordering one. It is imperative, however, that you never “split” or “share” an appetizer. Sharing is a sign of weakness and liberalism, and neither of those things have a place at the table.

 

I will continue this next Friday.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #09 – How Do I Talk to my Son About Drugs and Alcohol?

Happy Thursday! My name is Brittany von Beuren and Im glad to be back to answer your tough life questions for another week!

This weeks questin comes from my fan Maureen Denningham. She says…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, I’m growing more and more afraid that my eldest son might be experimenting with drugs and alcohol. He’s become a lot more closed off and I can smell what I think is marijuana in his bedroom. I’m worried about what this will do to our family because I’m afraid he’s going to start butting heads with his father who’s a police officer and very much against this sort of behavior. How do I approach my son about the dangers of substance abuse and try to maintain equilibrium in the household?

 

Answer: Thank you for writing in Maureen but I gotta say I side with your son on this one. I think your beeing a total bitch and you need to layoff.

First of all so what if hes smoking the reefer?? Marawana is like the least harmfull drung on there. Hes not using needles so he cant get autism, hes not takin pills so he cant get sexually assalted, and hes not using hallucinagens so he cant accidently marry a dog. But that bean said, any of those ar fine in moderation. Its ok to make those mistakes, its part of growin up. Heel be fine aslong as he learns from it and finds a good animal divorse lawyer.

And its fine for father and son to be buttheads aslong as it doesnt interfear with being YOU. You sound like the tipe of person who never leaves the house, neve goes outside or never gives a blowjob to get out of a speeding ticket. Expand your verizons…maybe even start smoking wit your son so you can bond together. The only time my mom was actualy bareable was when she was high so maybe try that too. Maybe let him drink at breakfest with you instead of scolding him.

 

Anyway thanks for writing in Maureen! To you other ladies out there, make sure you ask me your questions in the comments of this or on my Twitter. Who knows… maybe Ill pick you! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Boston Declares State of Emergency as City Runs out of Booze on St. Patrick’s Day

The city of Boston ran out of alcohol just hours ago on St. Patrick’s Day morning leaving tens of thousands of celebrators furious and sober. Riots have broken out all across the city as Bostonians raid stores and homes in search of alcohol, pots of gold and resolution with their distant fathers.

“In truth the violence isn’t the real problem,” said mayor Dalton Dunley. “We usually see this sort of violence every year and in fact the number of deaths and injuries are usually way higher at this point due to alcohol poisoning. My main concern right now is that those numbers will drastically increase later in the day because of withdrawal. That’s why we’re in a state of emergency.”

President Obama has reportedly ordered FEMA to fly in hundreds of gallons of booze into the city but early estimates don’t think this will be enough.

“We wanna get trucks bringin’ it in,” said Mayor Dunley, “but most of the roads are still closed from all the snow. We tried boats, too, but that whole system’s down for now.”

Ordinarily the immense amount of alcohol that is consumed on St. Patrick’s Day is brought into Boston Harbor via cargo ships, however a group of drunk Bostonians snuck onto a few of these ships early this morning and dumped a lot of the booze into the harbor as an act of protest. Most of them were caught and jailed.

“Yeah we were protesting,” said Dennis McLeary, one of the harbor dumpers. “Joe was protesting that I couldn’t lift a whole barrel of booze, and I was protesting that I could. So we all snuck on and I totally did.”

“Dennis and his friends will be prosecuted when this crisis is over,” said Mayor Dunley. “Until then we will do everything to bring alcohol to the fine people of this city, even if it kills them.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Relatives Warded Off by News of “Dry Thanksgiving”

Over half a dozen relatives from the Elkins family changed their Thanksgiving plans when Loraine Elkins, host of this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, announced in a mass email last Friday that there would be no alcohol allowed during the holiday.  The news came as a shock to the rest of the Elkins family since drinking has been described as the family’s pastime.

Donald Elkins, Loraine’s brother-in-law, was upset by the new mandate.  “I don’t know who she thinks she is,” said Donald, “but everyone agrees with me that it’s unacceptable.  Samuel Adams himself used beer to help the Pilgrims bond with the Indians, that’s a fact.  She’s declared a war on Thanksgiving.”

Other family members remain confused about the email, including Loraine’s own husband Rick Elkins.  “I don’t get what’s such a big deal about alcohol,” Rick told us, slurring his words and waving around a pitcher of Jack Daniels at 9:45 in the morning.  “It’s a disgrace to Thanksgiving, it’s a disgrace to America, and also I can’t get it up anymore.”

Also offended was Loraine’s father-in-law, Jed Elkins, who received the email in his hospital room where he was being treated for cirrhosis of the liver.  “This is how it starts,” said Elkins.  “First they take away your booze, then they take away your sports, and before you know it she’s taking your kids.  If ever there was a time to flee, it’s now.”

Loraine Elkins has yet to follow up on her original email, but it seems likely that she will be spending this Thanksgiving alone.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.