Over half a dozen relatives from the Elkins family changed their Thanksgiving plans when Loraine Elkins, host of this year’s Thanksgiving dinner, announced in a mass email last Friday that there would be no alcohol allowed during the holiday. The news came as a shock to the rest of the Elkins family since drinking has been described as the family’s pastime.
Donald Elkins, Loraine’s brother-in-law, was upset by the new mandate. “I don’t know who she thinks she is,” said Donald, “but everyone agrees with me that it’s unacceptable. Samuel Adams himself used beer to help the Pilgrims bond with the Indians, that’s a fact. She’s declared a war on Thanksgiving.”
Other family members remain confused about the email, including Loraine’s own husband Rick Elkins. “I don’t get what’s such a big deal about alcohol,” Rick told us, slurring his words and waving around a pitcher of Jack Daniels at 9:45 in the morning. “It’s a disgrace to Thanksgiving, it’s a disgrace to America, and also I can’t get it up anymore.”
Also offended was Loraine’s father-in-law, Jed Elkins, who received the email in his hospital room where he was being treated for cirrhosis of the liver. “This is how it starts,” said Elkins. “First they take away your booze, then they take away your sports, and before you know it she’s taking your kids. If ever there was a time to flee, it’s now.”
Loraine Elkins has yet to follow up on her original email, but it seems likely that she will be spending this Thanksgiving alone.
Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
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