Area Mom Just Done with Winter

Gayle Woodbury of Sundale, New Jersey, announced today that she is “just done with winter.” The announcement was officially made over Facebook, however friends and family report that Gayle had been leading up to it for some time.

“She would get home from work and the first thing to come out of her mouth was, ‘oh, gosh, it’s freezing out!’” says Gayle’s husband Paul Woodbury. “Most of the conversations we’ve had in the last few weeks have started with, ‘can you believe how cold it is?’”

Since the news has been officially posted on Facebook, Gayle has been supported by her friends and colleagues who have also come out as being done with winter.

“I’m so happy she’s finally admitted it,” said Gayle’s workmate June Agosticci. “I feel like all of us have known for a while but it’s not the sort of thing you can just bring up without the other person being comfortable with it.”

Gayle’s children are unfazed by the news since, according to them, Gayle makes the same statement every winter.

“She does this every year,” said Gayle’s daughter Hannah. “It’s not even like a big deal, she has to go from like her car to work to home and that’s it. I have to wait outside at the bus stop and sometimes they make us run outside during gym. So like, I get it, but I have it worse.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Boston Employs Supervillains to Assist with Removal of Snow

Boston, Massachusetts, has been in a state of emergency since last weekend’s snowfall with more on the way tonight. With a record-breaking 9 feet of snow on the ground, the city has had to call upon the world’s most devious supervillains to assist emergency services with clearing out the snow.

“I and my staff understand the dangers of trusting our city with these insane villains,” said mayor Dalton Dunley, “especially given how often most of them have threatened to destroy it. But desperate times call for desperate measures.”

The mayor called upon Dr. Diabolico this morning to use his Mega-Space Deathray to melt the snow down in order to create a manageable flooding problem. Other supervillains like The Black Magnus have been obliterating the snow with Super Energy Bombs and De-Atomization Beams.

Every supervillain currently working on Boston’s snow problem has been promised the power to rule over Boston for an entire day. This has some Bostonians worried.

“I think the mayor’s forgetting what some of these crooks have done in the past,” said local resident Julian Harris. “The Human Roach picked up my Chevy and threw it at Windex-Woman a few months ago before I had the thing paid off. I get that they’re trying to help, but these guys know one thing and one thing only, and that’s property damage.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Tips for Surviving the Cold

The United States is entering one of the worst cold snaps on record.  Many regions will experience temperatures in the negatives with wind gusts of up to 60 miles an hour.  If you’re worried about the cold weather as much as we are,  read these 12 tips for surviving this harsh weekend.

 

1. Your car heater might not be enough during your daily commute,  so bring some logs to generate small fires in your car.

2. Take a vacation to Florida and experience the tropical 45-degree weather.

3. Power may go out so be sure to charge your pacemaker.

4. Snow acts as an excellent insulator,  be sure to leave all your doors and windows open to collect as much of it as possible.

5. Extra clothing always helps so put on some pants when you get home.

6. Keep your sinks and bathtubs flowing with hot water.  This will prevent the pipes from freezing.

7. Electric blankets are a great source of heat and infertility.

8. If you get trapped out in the elements,  don’t be afraid to cut open your Tauntaun and hide its body until the cold passes.

9. Think about warm places like Syria and Iraq.

10. Hibernate.

11. Wear a bikini when you go out.  You might catch nature off guard.

12. Snuggle up with someone to keep warm.  If you’re single,  live alone and leave your home often,  write your address in the comments section below.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.