Meteorologists across the United States are reporting that this winter is going to be more depressing and disappointing than usual, and could potentially be the most melancholic winter in recorded history.

“We’ve been tracking all sorts of trends,” says Dan Grenowitz, a meteorologist with the National Weather Institute. “By our estimates, this is shaping up to be the saddest, loneliness winter we’ve ever seen.”

Grenowitz says that much of the nation can expect to face record low levels of self-esteem over the next few months, while other areas can expect up to five inches of malaise every week. He recommends that cities start preparing for unprecedented downfalls of woeful dread that could hit as early as mid-November.

“We might even start seeing sadness in parts of the country that almost never get sad,” says Grenowitz, “but the global climate is shifting, and winters in America are just going to keep getting more and more sorrowful as the years go on.”

Many Americans are gearing up as best as they can for an unusually despondent winter, but many still haven’t recovered from last year’s record-breaking ennui.

“I can’t even imagine a winter more depressing than last year,” says Mercedes Plaith, a Pennsylvania native whose house was damaged last winter by a devastating amount of misery and despair. “We just finished redoing the roof from all the dreariness we got last February, and now they’re saying it’s going to be even worse this year. Someone needs to do something.”

Grenowitz says that the National Weather Institute is trying to develop new methods for detecting dread and despair that will give locals more time to prepare and evacuate in the event of an oncoming melancholy.

“We’re still years away from where we need to be, in terms of detection,” says Grenowitz. “Even my therapist says we should just give up trying.”

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Written by J. S. Wydra

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