Month: January 2017

Trump Set To Put Self On All US Currency

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President Donald Trump made waves on both Wall Street and Main Street today when he signed an executive order that nullifies all United States dollar bills that do not bear his image by the year 2020. This act is the first step in guaranteeing that Trump will make good on the promise he made during his campaign to put his face on all American money.

“They’re saying they want Harriet Tubman to replace Michael Jackson on the whatever,” said Trump at a campaign rally in September, “but I will be a much better president than any of them. I talk to the founding fathers all the time, believe me, and they want me to replace them.”

Trump hopes to redesign US currency in other ways, as well, for example replacing the phrase “in God we trust” with either “in Trump we trust,” or, “hail Trump, immortal leader of our America.” Trump also plans to replace the monuments on the back of American currency with images of his own properties.

“We’re not gonna have green money anymore,” said Trump, “because that’s just how these fake environment liars try to get you to believe in their climate talk. It’s disgraceful. We need gold money and I know how to do it because it’ll stop ISIS and coal will be here forever.”

Trump also announced today that the design for his self-financed “Trump Monument” in Washington is being finalized.

“It’ll be just like the Washington Monument,” said Trump, “only it’ll be huge and tremendous and bigger. It’ll satisfy everyone, believe me, you’ll love it.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

14 Realistic Ways Trump Could Get Impeached

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Millions of Americans woke up today to see an internet meme get sworn into the office of President of the United States, but there is a ray of hope in this time of uncertainty. Many pundits believe that the pompousness responsible for Donald Trump’s success could also lead to his early downfall. Here are 14 realistic ways Trump could get impeached before his term is up.

 

1. Details could leak to the press about the time Donald helped his son Eric cover up a number of grizzly serial murders.

2. An open mic might finally catch him saying the N-word.

3. He might get caught “upskirting” the Statue of Liberty.

4. Supreme Court Apprentice might be a big enough disaster.

5. Trump could lose public trust by declaring war on fictional character Van Helsing for hunting down Melania’s kind.

6. People might start to catch on that the border wall is meant to keep Americans in.

7. He likely could disrobe during a press conference to show us all that “it’s still working down there,” in an effort to dispel rumors.

8. His tax returns could leak, revealing that he’s actually been paying the federal government far too much and has been a commie this whole time.

9. A push to get Harriet Tubman removed from the $20 bill will lead to a push to get Donald himself printed on that same bill, irreparably devaluing the USD.

10. Donald’s soviet Russian birth certificate might be released.

11. Trump could legally disown his daughter Ivanka to justify the statements he’s made about her.

12. The Illuminati might get their shit together.

13. Trump will attempt to nuke Switzerland for remaining neutral during World War III but authorize a nuclear strike on Swaziland instead believing they’re the same thing.

14. An inexplicable wave of sanity will overcome your elected representatives who will then use their power to support the people, make a better future for generations to come and unite the world. Oh, wait… sorry, I forgot these were supposed to be “realistic” possibilities.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Woman Knows This Likely Last Year She Can Get Flu Shot

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With healthcare uncertainty around the horizon millions of Americans could soon find themselves uninsured. Vaccinations, booster shots and prescription medications could soon become luxury items.

Some Americans, like Aditya Bhurin of Virginia Falls, Kentucky, are trying to find a bit of light in the coming darkness. Aditya says she’s “making the best” of what might be the last flu shot of her life.

“There’s no reason I can’t make this fun,” said Aditya. “I mean, I know it’s hard to make fun out of anything with needles, unless you’re either in 1970’s New York or a modern day Ivy League school, but I want to make this memorable.”

Aditya entered her local Rite Aid with a GoPro strapped to her head to document the experience for future generations. Other Rite Aid customers noted Aditya’s confidence as she marched to the pharmacy in the back.

“You never see that anymore,” said one customer. “I do all my shopping here ever since being banned from Eckerd for a sex thing, but even there no one’s ever excited to get poked with something.”

Aditya took commemorative selfies with every pharmacist, all of whom were simply relieved to get a brief respite from dealing with downers only here to fill anti-depression prescriptions.

“I’ve injected a lot of things into a lot of people,” said pharmacist David Koh, “but never have I had a patient so thrilled to get deceased microbes administered into their left arm.”

Aditya reportedly convinced a pharmacist to inject her with multiple flu shots for multiple different strains in the hope that this would fend off ailments in the medicine-absent future that America is heading towards.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Scientists Admit Gravity A Hoax

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The scientific community was rocked earlier today when an international panel of physicists convened to announce to the world that the theory of gravity is in fact a hoax.

“It’s made up,” said spokeswoman Grabiella Lutiz. “There is nothing real at all about the theory of gravity. It has all been an elaborate conspiracy orchestrated by scientists across the world, which is indeed flat, by the way.”

Gravity has long since been the subject of skepticism from predominantly religious communities, however the theory came under recent attack when it was discovered that Donald Trump, President-elect of the United States and Time Magazine’s “Most Trusted Rich Guy” of 2017, tweeted several years ago that he believed gravity to be a Chinese hoax.

“Gravity was not a brainchild of the Chinese government solely,” said Lutiz, “but is in fact a ruse created and perpetrated by the vast majority of the world’s scientists independent of any government or agency.”

Lutiz went on to describe how Sir Isaac Newton never really existed and that accounts of his life were based on the ancient Polynesian myth of a young man who becomes the smartest person in his village after a coconut falls on his head. All records of Newton’s life were fabricated along with the volumes of evidence and data that have been gathered to support the theory of gravity over the last few centuries.

“Yes, things on this planet fall downwards,” said Lutiz, “And yes, the more mass an object has the greater its pull on other objects. And yes, our fake little theory of gravity would explain exactly how and why these things happen and can also be used to project accurate models of the movements of celestial bodes in the future. But the truth is there is no real scientific evidence to show that if I were to drop this pen it would fall to the ground. And the fact that our models and projections of the future come true every single time is purely a coincidence.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.