Trump Set To Put Self On All US Currency

President Donald Trump made waves on both Wall Street and Main Street today when he signed an executive order that nullifies all United States dollar bills that do not bear his image by the year 2020. This act is the first step in guaranteeing that Trump will make good on the promise he made during his campaign to put his face on all American money.

“They’re saying they want Harriet Tubman to replace Michael Jackson on the whatever,” said Trump at a campaign rally in September, “but I will be a much better president than any of them. I talk to the founding fathers all the time, believe me, and they want me to replace them.”

Trump hopes to redesign US currency in other ways, as well, for example replacing the phrase “in God we trust” with either “in Trump we trust,” or, “hail Trump, immortal leader of our America.” Trump also plans to replace the monuments on the back of American currency with images of his own properties.

“We’re not gonna have green money anymore,” said Trump, “because that’s just how these fake environment liars try to get you to believe in their climate talk. It’s disgraceful. We need gold money and I know how to do it because it’ll stop ISIS and coal will be here forever.”

Trump also announced today that the design for his self-financed “Trump Monument” in Washington is being finalized.

“It’ll be just like the Washington Monument,” said Trump, “only it’ll be huge and tremendous and bigger. It’ll satisfy everyone, believe me, you’ll love it.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Unemployed College Graduate Completely Prepared for Zombie Apocalypse

Recent college graduate Jason Wilboro claims to be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse, having spent the two years since his graduation stocking up on supplies, taking survival courses and reading up on the subject instead of searching for gainful employment.

Jason began working as a cashier within a week after graduating, but was let go soon afterward for always leaving early, giving management a tough time and not showing up often enough. Jason considered looking for a new job after this, but decided instead that his time would be better spent gearing up for the end of the world.

“I could work my whole life away. Earn money, start a family, the whole deal. But just imagine what will happen when the whole world goes to shit. Zombies are probably the most likely scenario but it could really happen any way. And when it does, I’ll be the one holding all the cards.”

Jason has since abandoned the possibility of finding employment and eagerly awaits the beginning of the apocalypse.

“It’ll be tough being one of the only survivors,” Jason told us while cashing a check his mother mailed him. “If you’re not already prepared when it hits, if you’re not strong and independent enough like I am, you’re just as good as dead when it happens.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.