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Sad, Deplorable Wretch Not Willing To Do Anything About It

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Sean Forbles, of New Ridge, Virginia, reportedly plans on not altering his self-deprecating lifestyle despite the depression it causes him. Sean says his unwillingness to change is the result of some misguided sense of integrity that in no way applies to anything that makes his life such crap.

“I know I appear repulsive, and that my habits maybe drive some people away,” said Sean. “But the things that make me so abhorrent are part of who I am, and that means something.”

Sean is a visibly disgusting human being. He showers about once a week and makes no attempt to hide it, saying that showering too often is bad for your hair and skin and also that’s what they do in Europe. Sean does not use soap when he washes his hands, fearing he might contribute to the evolution of a drug-resistant super bacteria. He has never cleaned his ears, never clipped his toenails, and is under the impression that brushing and flossing his teeth is an unnecessary waste of time due to how “messed up” his teeth already are.

But hygiene isn’t the only area of Sean’s life in need of improvement. At 37 years old, Sean has never had a fulltime job, a serious relationship, or a home of his own. Sean believes that he won’t be able to attract a serious relationship until he has a serious a job, that he cannot find a real job until he procures a permanent place of residence, and that he cannot find a permanent home until he dates someone that will let him move in. Sean believes himself to be in a self-sustaining cycle of execrable woe that cannot be broken, and any attempt at making a better life is futile.

Sean would turn to friends and family for guidance, but claims he has none. In fact, Sean has driven these people away with his self-loathing remarks of hopelessness that seem to come up in every conversation. Sean immediately shuts down any individual who tries to talk some sense into him, typically after directly asking that individual for assistance. Sean claims that making people feel sorry for him is his best bet at getting people to like him, which is somehow not the most ridiculous notion to cross through his mind on a daily basis.

This upcoming spring, Sean will attend his high school reunion to find that most of his former classmates, and in fact most people in the developed world, are just as needlessly contemptible as he is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Successful Networking

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Networking skills are essential to getting ahead in the real world, but sometimes we don’t get the chance to learn them until it’s too late.  Here’s a list of tips that Circus Killer News’ expert networking team managed to come up with to help you meet the right people and know exactly what to say.

 

1. When meeting a potential employer, be sure to text, make phone calls, play mobile games, or anything else that make him or her think that you don’t really need the job.

2. Know where people in your field gather. If you’re trying to get into the business world, board a yacht. If you’re trying to get into entertainment, join a synagogue.

3. Have a strong social media presence, but don’t post anything illegal or incorrect or opinionated or insipid or entertaining.

4. Many people forget to keep a resume with them at all times. To avoid making this mistake, tattoo your CV to your chest.

5. Try constructing an android who can take your place and do all the networking stuff for you.

6. It’s important to make yourself heard. Keep a megaphone with you at all times.

7. Never break eye contact. People are more likely to remember you if you creep them out.

8. 90% of all communication is done through body language, so if you’re a gaseous entity or a disembodied consciousness from an ethereal plane then try extra hard to speak succinctly.

9. Do what you can to stand out from the crowd, like wear a suit made out of LED lights or aluminum foil or nothing at all.

10. Don’t forget that having large breasts is a skill.

11. When meeting someone important, use the word “synergy” at least ten times so he or she knows that you know what it means.

12. Follow up with contacts you’ve already made, even if that means emailing them every hour.

13. Always remember that it’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Man’s Resume Just List of Shows He’s Watched

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Years into his search for a job, Blaine Eberts has begun submitting resumes to potential employers that are just a complete lists of television shows he has watched or is currently watching. The people who have received his resume are generally split on whether Blaine has simply given up, or if it’s the most genius career tactic ever conceived.

“I don’t understand what I’m supposed to do with this,” said the manager of a local grocery that Blaine recently applied to. “I mean, it’s great that he’s fully caught up on Game of Thrones, but I don’t see how that’s supposed to help him stack shelves.”

“See, this is a brilliant move,” said a Human Resources manager at a Bank of America. “By just submitting this list of television programs, he’s telling me that I’m not worth his time and that he thinks he’s above this position. It shows how badly he wants to move straight to the top and makes me want to hire him more because I now crave his respect.”

In fact, it does appear that Blaine spent a lot of time crafting this unconventional resume. Everything is color-coded and listed by genre, and it includes charts and graphs for elements such as average number of laughs per episode, average number of deaths per episode, average percentage of non-white people and average number of appearances by Nick Kroll.

Blaine was not available to comment; he’s been busy ever since M*A*S*H was added to Netflix streaming.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Unemployed College Graduate Completely Prepared for Zombie Apocalypse

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Recent college graduate Jason Wilboro claims to be fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse, having spent the two years since his graduation stocking up on supplies, taking survival courses and reading up on the subject instead of searching for gainful employment.

Jason began working as a cashier within a week after graduating, but was let go soon afterward for always leaving early, giving management a tough time and not showing up often enough. Jason considered looking for a new job after this, but decided instead that his time would be better spent gearing up for the end of the world.

“I could work my whole life away. Earn money, start a family, the whole deal. But just imagine what will happen when the whole world goes to shit. Zombies are probably the most likely scenario but it could really happen any way. And when it does, I’ll be the one holding all the cards.”

Jason has since abandoned the possibility of finding employment and eagerly awaits the beginning of the apocalypse.

“It’ll be tough being one of the only survivors,” Jason told us while cashing a check his mother mailed him. “If you’re not already prepared when it hits, if you’re not strong and independent enough like I am, you’re just as good as dead when it happens.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.