Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Sad, Deplorable Wretch Not Willing To Do Anything About It

Sean Forbles, of New Ridge, Virginia, reportedly plans on not altering his self-deprecating lifestyle despite the depression it causes him. Sean says his unwillingness to change is the result of some misguided sense of integrity that in no way applies to anything that makes his life such crap.

“I know I appear repulsive, and that my habits maybe drive some people away,” said Sean. “But the things that make me so abhorrent are part of who I am, and that means something.”

Sean is a visibly disgusting human being. He showers about once a week and makes no attempt to hide it, saying that showering too often is bad for your hair and skin and also that’s what they do in Europe. Sean does not use soap when he washes his hands, fearing he might contribute to the evolution of a drug-resistant super bacteria. He has never cleaned his ears, never clipped his toenails, and is under the impression that brushing and flossing his teeth is an unnecessary waste of time due to how “messed up” his teeth already are.

But hygiene isn’t the only area of Sean’s life in need of improvement. At 37 years old, Sean has never had a fulltime job, a serious relationship, or a home of his own. Sean believes that he won’t be able to attract a serious relationship until he has a serious a job, that he cannot find a real job until he procures a permanent place of residence, and that he cannot find a permanent home until he dates someone that will let him move in. Sean believes himself to be in a self-sustaining cycle of execrable woe that cannot be broken, and any attempt at making a better life is futile.

Sean would turn to friends and family for guidance, but claims he has none. In fact, Sean has driven these people away with his self-loathing remarks of hopelessness that seem to come up in every conversation. Sean immediately shuts down any individual who tries to talk some sense into him, typically after directly asking that individual for assistance. Sean claims that making people feel sorry for him is his best bet at getting people to like him, which is somehow not the most ridiculous notion to cross through his mind on a daily basis.

This upcoming spring, Sean will attend his high school reunion to find that most of his former classmates, and in fact most people in the developed world, are just as needlessly contemptible as he is.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman Suspiciously Too Attractive to be Working at Burger King

Numerous Burger King customers in Virginia were shocked upon seeing how attractive the newest cashier was at one of the chain’s local, medium sized restaurants.

“I really couldn’t believe it,” said frequent Burger King diner Wayne Portman. “I was pretty sure she was an actress on one of them hidden camera shows or something. But I’ve seen her here maybe eight times in the last two weeks so it’s gotta be legitimate.”

The cashier, Barbara Bealman, started working at Burger King to help pay her way through college since her parents decided to stop paying after an embarrassing alcohol-related incident.

“I’ve never had a job before but everyone is super nice,” said Barbara. “People keep tipping me and giving me their phone numbers… I thought that was just for real fancy restaurants.”

Barbara’s coworkers meanwhile have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with the new cashier.

“Everyone at Burger King’s got something wrong with them,” said Regina Florres, one of the chain’s drive-thru window operators. “Half of our fry cooks have chronic eczema and most of them have braces into their 30s. A lot of the janitors and cleaning staff often try to communicate with the animals they find running around the serving area. Hell, even our manager only works here because he’s on house arrest and lives in one of the trailers that you always see parked in the parking lot. But this new girl… I can’t find one thing wrong with her.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Older Child Gets to Tell Story

Tommy Warber, an 8-year-old boy from Harristown, Virginia, was greatly disappointed yesterday when his older brother Ray told their parents an awesome story that the brothers had agreed Tommy would tell. Tommy views this blatant disregard for their verbal contract as a betrayal of the highest degree.

“Ray promised I could tell the story and you’re not supposed to break your promises,” said Tommy. “Unless you’re a meanie, then you are. And my brother’s a meanie.”

The story in question is that the two brothers saw each other in school in between classes. This is an unusual occurrence because Tommy is in second grade and his brother is in fourth, and students in those grades have class at opposite ends of the building. The brothers ran into each other because Ray’s class had to attend a presentation on bullying in the library.

“It’s not fair,” continued Tommy. “Ray always gets to tell the stories. I never get to tell them. He says it’s ‘cause he’s older but we’re brothers so I should get a turn too.”

Tommy’s parents have not intervened on the matter and in fact seemed uninterested in the story. This, according to Tommy, is because his parents “have just been really quiet since mommy saw dad hugging Dave S.’s mom at soccer.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 14 Worst People of 2014

Many interesting things happened in 2014.  Among them, strangely enough, was a record-high number of terrible people and crappy behavior.  Here is a list of the 14 worst people across the continental United States in the last year:

 

1. Michael Dunlow, a media consultant in New York, who deliberately held the “close doors” button on an elevator as a pregnant coworker approached.

2. Luke Browning, a teenager in Mildred, Vermont, who promised his parents he’d check in while out with his friends but never did.

3. Melissa Perkins who brings all three of her toddlers out to dinner five nights out of the week.

4. Gary L. Araz who is evidently incapable of understanding how to put a toilet seat down.

5. Dana Greene of Garrettsburg, Virginia, who spends more time composing and publishing political messages on Facebook than she does applying to jobs.

6. Sarah Charters of Benford, Illinois, who was spotted doing 40 miles an hour in a 65 zone.

7. Mason Mitchell of the same town, spotted doing 90 in the same zone.

8. K. F. McCormick who refuses to use his first name like a normal person.

9. Marianne Park, a Los Angeles cleaning lady who only moves objects that she’s been explicitly instructed not to touch.

10. Dante Anderson of Redenboro, New Jersey, for bringing up his tattoos an average of 16.8 times per conversation.

11. Mark Baker, a 14-year-old YouTube commenter.

12. Kevin Chen who doesn’t pick up after his dog during walks.

13. Brenda Freeman, a McDonald’s cashier in Curtsdale, Florida, who talks to her coworkers while taking people’s orders.

14. John Mulaney.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.