The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Part 2 coming next week.
1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.
2. Alaska: alien abduction.
3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.
4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.
5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.
6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.
7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.
8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.
9. Arkansas: boredom.
10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.
11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.
12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.
13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.
14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.
15. Kentucky: atheism.
16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.
17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.
18. Oklahoma: Texans.
19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.
20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.
21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.
22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.
23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.
24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.
25. Montana: loneliness.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.