KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Change The Thingy?

Be it luck or fate, you have just stumbled upon ‘Killer Advice,’ the highest-ranked web-based advice column on the internet, according to a recent kidnap victim. Every week we take questions from commoners like you, and have them answered by uncommoners like the staff of Circus Killer News.

Today’s question comes to us from Carol Burkowski, a stay-at-home mom in Reddingham, Pennsylvania. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
My son and his friends were using the TV to play on his Xbox earlier today. Every time he does this he has to switch the thingy on the TV so it’s a different HTMI or something, and I can’t figure out how to make the TV go back. We have four different remotes in our house and I don’t know what button to press to make the thingy come up. Normally my son does it but he’s at basketball practice, and then he’s going to his friend’s house for a Nintendo. I’m really desperate because the Kids Halloween Baking Championship on the Food Network is tonight and if I miss it then I won’t have anything to talk about at brunch tomorrow. If you could walk me through how to switch the thing on the TV then I would really appreciate it.”

There are a few steps to solve this problem, Carol, but fortunately they’re all very easy. The first thing you need to do is figure out which remote is for the TV. The best way to do this would be to grab all your remotes and expertly juggle them around in the air. As you’re doing this, close your eyes and focus on whichever device in your house you want to control. If you concentrate hard enough, you will lose control of the corresponding remote and it will land on your head. This is the preferred method among professional channel surfers.

You could also try microwaving all your remotes. The way a remote control works is that there is a tiny radioactive isotope that links the remote and the device with a unique radiation signature. If you put your remotes in the microwave for a few minutes, the isotope will start glowing. Hold your freshly cooked remote up to its corresponding device, and that device will glow the same color. If it’s the wrong device, however, then the two will start to fizz and melt, and could explode if it’s a Samsung product.

The last best way to identify which remote is for which device is to simply look it up on the internet. Play each remote next to a different potted plant and expertly sketch out the scene to make a perfect still art masterpiece. Fax the artwork directly to the head office of any online search engine and ask them what each one is for. If they fax you back saying that all of them are for converting carbon dioxide into oxygen, then fax them back another set of remote drawings, but this time draw a bunch of arrows pointing to the remotes so that they know what you’re talking about.

Switching your television’s input is easy now that you know which remote is for the TV, but unfortunately the court order that forces the CKN staff to write this advice column states that we only need to put in 500 words a week, so you’re on your own.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Top Cause Of Death In All 50 States (Part 1)

The United States, if nothing else, is a violent place. Millions of Americans die every year from a myriad of causes. Circus Killer News wants its readers to be safe, so we went around the country to investigate the top cause of death in each state. This highly accurate two-part list will help you be prepared for the real dangers in your area.
Click here to read Part 2. 

 

1. Vermont: getting hit by a Subaru Outback.

2. Alaska: alien abduction.

3. Wisconsin: burning alive after falling into a giant vat of melted cheese.

4. South Carolina: Civil War reenactment mishap.

5. Maine: getting trapped in a Stephen King novel.

6. Utah: suffocating during the final stage of the Mormon initiation ceremony.

7. Missouri: getting strangled on a riverboat.

8. Indiana: severe depression after missing the winning shot at a high school basketball game.

9. Arkansas: boredom.

10. Idaho: poor nutrition resulting from an all-potato diet.

11. Massachusetts: speaking ill of Tom Brady.

12. Oregon: getting dysentery on the Oregon Trail.

13. Florida: eaten by an alligator that slithers through a gaping hole in the side of your mobile home that was created after a stolen ATV crashed into it because the driver was operating the vehicle while drunk and having sex with his ex-girlfriend’s meth-addicted grandmother.

14. Maryland: acquiring an allergy to seafood and subsequently starving to death.

15. Kentucky: atheism.

16. Arizona: overdosing on erectile dysfunction medication.

17. Illinois: gunned down by fedora-clad gangsters.

18. Oklahoma: Texans.

19. Rhode Island: traffic accident while commuting to Providence.

20. Washington: agitating Bigfoot.

21. Virginia: murdered in a conspiracy involving a US politician.

22. Delaware: breaking into Joe Biden’s vacation home and getting lost in his elaborate subterranean sex dungeon.

23. Pennsylvania: taking a shower in water that has been poisoned by fracking.

24. Mississippi: never seeing a doctor.

25. Montana: loneliness.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.