television

KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Change The Thingy?

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Be it luck or fate, you have just stumbled upon ‘Killer Advice,’ the highest-ranked web-based advice column on the internet, according to a recent kidnap victim. Every week we take questions from commoners like you, and have them answered by uncommoners like the staff of Circus Killer News.

Today’s question comes to us from Carol Burkowski, a stay-at-home mom in Reddingham, Pennsylvania. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
My son and his friends were using the TV to play on his Xbox earlier today. Every time he does this he has to switch the thingy on the TV so it’s a different HTMI or something, and I can’t figure out how to make the TV go back. We have four different remotes in our house and I don’t know what button to press to make the thingy come up. Normally my son does it but he’s at basketball practice, and then he’s going to his friend’s house for a Nintendo. I’m really desperate because the Kids Halloween Baking Championship on the Food Network is tonight and if I miss it then I won’t have anything to talk about at brunch tomorrow. If you could walk me through how to switch the thing on the TV then I would really appreciate it.”

There are a few steps to solve this problem, Carol, but fortunately they’re all very easy. The first thing you need to do is figure out which remote is for the TV. The best way to do this would be to grab all your remotes and expertly juggle them around in the air. As you’re doing this, close your eyes and focus on whichever device in your house you want to control. If you concentrate hard enough, you will lose control of the corresponding remote and it will land on your head. This is the preferred method among professional channel surfers.

You could also try microwaving all your remotes. The way a remote control works is that there is a tiny radioactive isotope that links the remote and the device with a unique radiation signature. If you put your remotes in the microwave for a few minutes, the isotope will start glowing. Hold your freshly cooked remote up to its corresponding device, and that device will glow the same color. If it’s the wrong device, however, then the two will start to fizz and melt, and could explode if it’s a Samsung product.

The last best way to identify which remote is for which device is to simply look it up on the internet. Play each remote next to a different potted plant and expertly sketch out the scene to make a perfect still art masterpiece. Fax the artwork directly to the head office of any online search engine and ask them what each one is for. If they fax you back saying that all of them are for converting carbon dioxide into oxygen, then fax them back another set of remote drawings, but this time draw a bunch of arrows pointing to the remotes so that they know what you’re talking about.

Switching your television’s input is easy now that you know which remote is for the TV, but unfortunately the court order that forces the CKN staff to write this advice column states that we only need to put in 500 words a week, so you’re on your own.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Procrastination

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Procrastination is a lot like getting aroused while eating a hotdog; we experience it a lot, but few of us actually understand why. Procrastination affects nearly 85% of Americans every day, as well as 100% of people currently reading this article. Here is everything you need to know about procrastination.

First, let’s look at the causes. Most people believe that procrastination is caused by laziness, but this is only partly true. Really, procrastination, or the will to not accomplish tasks, is typically caused by a demon named Rauthazon who crawls into your chest cavity while you’re asleep and makes out with your soul. Your soul becomes so enamored with Rauthazon’s expert kissing technique that it can no longer invigorate you, and you lose all willpower.

You can easily spot someone suffering from procrastination by a few signs. Procrastinators are very lethargic, often to the point of endangering human life. Such was the case for pilot Peter Dirkwad, who kept putting off landing his plane.

“As an airline pilot, there are certain expectations of me,” says Peter. “I’m expected to land my aircraft on schedule. But for some reason I was just in one of those moods, man. My copilot, air traffic control, twenty years of experience, everything was telling me that I should have started landing procedure as we approached the airport. I just didn’t feel like it.”

Peter made a miraculous water landing in an Indiana water park when his plane eventually ran out of fuel. Fortunately no one was harmed, but this is just one example of how procrastination can put people in dangerous situations. Some other signs that an individual might be a procrastinator is that they repeatedly miss deadlines, make excuses, or develop bright red lesions on the skin that glow in the dark and taste like cinnamon.

The most effective treatment for procrastination is torture. Doctors recommend that procrastinators find someone they trust to throw dead batteries at them until they accomplish whatever tasks they’re putting off. Another proven method for fighting procrastination is deprivation. A procrastinator will swear off sleep, television, blinking, or other biological necessities until they’ve finished their work. This is the easiest treatment to adopt since it is essentially putting off one’s own needs for another time, which is a form of procrastination in itself.

Of course, preventive measures are always better than treatments. Procrastination can easily be prevented by pathologically weaseling one’s way out of responsibilities, therefore reducing the amount of work that one needs to get done. It can also be prevented by passing off responsibilities to a subordinate, such as a secretary or a trained animal of some kind. Some argue that the best way to prevent procrastination is to finish tasks as soon as possible instead of waiting until the last minute, but those people usually aren’t very cool, so it isn’t worth it.

Humankind will likely be plagued with procrastination until the end of time, which will be in 17 months. I’ll get around to writing a more creative ending later.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Facts About ‘Home Improvement’

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“Home Improvement” wasn’t just a sitcom about an accident-prone tool salesman raising three kids while making fun of overweight people and being as misogynistic as ABC would allow. It was also a show that defined a generation. Every week, fans would tune in to learn about tools, listen to grunting, and watch a convicted drug mule get injured in a series of easily avoidable accidents. But there’s a lot about the show that even its most diehard fans are unaware of, and some of those things are only just now coming to light. Here are 12 facts you never knew about “Home Improvement.”

 

1. Tim Allen was never told when his character was about to get injured so that his cries of pain and misery would be more authentic.

2. Richard Karn, who played the character “Al Boreland,” wore a fake beard for the entire show. The producers didn’t find out about it until just this past Tuesday.

3. Wilson’s face was never shown because the producers thought that Earl Hindman was too unattractive for television.

4. Pamela Anderson, who played “Lisa” for two seasons, was booted off the show because the producers thought she was too attractive for television.

5. Jonathon Taylor Thomas left the show early in its eighth season to try and start a film career, but that career ended abruptly when his ties to the communist party became public knowledge.

6. During the course of the show, Tim Allen fired twenty-three different production assistants for calling him “Tim Alan.”

7. In order to keep the character “Brad Taylor” looking as authentic and up-to-date as possible, a new Zachery Ty Bryan had to be sculpted out of a high-density polymer every morning before shooting.

8. Every scene of every episode was filmed inside Patricia Richardson’s house.

9. Taran Noah Smith was initially supposed to play “Tim Taylor,” but he ended up having a deadly allergic reaction to tools. Smith was then recast as the character “Mark Taylor.”

10. Even though the show took place in Detroit, most of the actors on “Home Improvement” grew up in Algeria.

11. Tim Allen only agreed to do the show in exchange for a reduced prison sentence.

12. The character Wilson is actually Anunochius, the God of Knowledge, who was banished from The Tower of the Divines for seducing the wife of Tilitak, the Elf King. As punishment, he has been trapped in human form for the last 3000 years where he has been whispering his wisdom into the ears of great men and women and feasting upon the hearts of newborn babies.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mom Can’t Work the TV

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Reports are coming in that area mother Susan Fink still does not know how to work the television set that has been in her family’s living room for over a decade. Susan’s family is getting pretty tired of having to teach the stay-at-home mom which buttons on the remote do certain things.

“She doesn’t understand that the cable and the television both have to be on,” says Susan’s son Jared. “It’s not a complicated process. There’s one button that turns on the whole system and she frequently forgets to use it.”

“Every time she wants to watch something, one of us has to stop what we’re doing and help,” says Susan’s daughter Amanda. “She’ll call me on the phone to ask what channel the Food Network is on. The guide is literally on the table next to her! She only watches that and the home improvement channel, how hard is it to memorize two numbers?”

Scientists and researchers have gathered to try and figure out why Susan has so much trouble with only this one household appliance and no others, but at this point most can only speculate.

“It could be some sort of internal brain damage,” said neurologist Dr. Dean Camper, an expert in abnormal brain functions. “I had a patient once who completely forgot about the letter ‘k,’ he would simply spea without it when he taled. Or another patient I had who was unable to recall anything from before he was born. We might be dealing with something similar to those cases.”

Susan herself was unavailable to comment, but she was available to follow this blog and reblog this post.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

19 Television Channels and What They Represent

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There are a number of good television shows this fall, but it can be difficult to tell if a show is worth your time. Often, you can tell what a show is like based on what network it airs on. Here is a guide to some of the more popular television networks and what you can expect from them.

 

NBC – Cult classics that get inexplicably cancelled.

ABC – The Disney Channel for grown ups.

CBS – Shows about young people as seen through the eyes of old people.

FOX – For those who have never been outside the United States.

The CW – Where monsters go to become attractive people.

Comedy Central – The official stoner network.

FX – What Comedy Central tries to be.

The Food Network – People you don’t like talking about food you might like.

OWN – Probably not for your demographic.

Bravo – Formerly a hub for operas and classical performances, currently a hub for other gay things.

History Channel – Aliens, swamps, and World War II.

TLC – The Learning Channel.

Disney Channel – ABC for children.

MTV – Teen dramas, nothing to do with music.

MTV2 – Reruns of teen dramas, little to do with music.

FXX – What?

AMC – Hosts all the shows your coworkers won’t shut up about.

HBO – Pornography, but with good story.

24-Hour Smooth Jazz Channel – Consistently the best thing on television.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.