14 Facts About Sleep You Never Knew

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Unless you’re a Mormon, sleep is something you’ll have to do at some point in your life. Scientists have spent over five years learning everything there is to know about sleep, but there’s still so much to discover. He’s a list of some dreamy facts you can sleep on.

 

1. Eating one solitary grape before bed can cause violent night terrors and intense gastric distress, however eating more than one grape before bed will bring a deep, restful sleep.

2. The term “heavy sleeper” is considered politically incorrect. They prefer the term “sleeper who is weightly challenged.”

3. Sleeping on dirty sheets will give you sex dreams, whereas sleeping on clean sheets will make you dream about going to church.

4. “40 winks” is a term that commonly refers to taking a nap, however the term started as a popular first tactic used by numerous sexual predators.

5. Listening to white noise while falling asleep can erase all your memories from the day before.

6. People who sleep on their right side are more likely to become serial killers.

7. People who sleep on their left side are more likely to be killed in a factory explosion.

8. People who sleep on their backs are more likely to be abducted by aliens in their sleep.

9. People who sleep on their stomachs don’t exist.

10. Every time you lose an hour of sleep, you’re letting the terrorists win.

11. The 19th Century bedtime story “Wynken, Blynken and Nod” actually has nothing to do with sleep. It’s the name of a personal injury law firm in Bedminster, New Jersey.

12. A full night’s rest has the same effect as getting slapped in the face every fifteen minutes throughout the day.

13. Over 90% of conservatives in America report feeling safer sleeping with a gun under their pillow, whereas 90% of liberals in America say they feel safest sleeping with an abortion under their pillow.

14. The Tooth Fairy is real, and she lost all of her teeth to a meth addiction. She steals yours, and then glues them into her mouth until they fall out again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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News from the Future #04

Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. February 24th, 2023 – New  “Firearms Freedom Act”  passes in Texas

This morning, Texas became the first state to issue a “Firearms Freedom” law that allows businesses to turn down people who aren’t carrying a weapon. The law has been a major point of controversy within the Lone Star State because a growing number of Texans have been finding it difficult to legally acquire a weapon ever since the new background checks were established two years ago. Desperate Texans have reportedly begun frequenting their favorite stores with swords, knives, bats, axes or anything that could be used as a weapon in hopes that they won’t be refused service.

 

2. February 4th, 2020 – New Mattress Able to Sleep by Itself

The Sealy Mattress Company has developed a mattress that is able to sleep by itself. The new mattress was designed for people who are too busy working, travelling or boning strangers to be able to come home and sleep in their own bed. Users of the mattress can set a timer using a dial to gauge how much and how often the mattress sleeps and whether or not it will experience dreams or nightmares. There are also settings for the mattress to undergo experiences such as insomnia, sleep paralysis and bed-wetting.

 

3. November 6th, 2044 – First Gibbon Elected into US Public Office

Professor Seymour Wiggles, a captivity-born gibbon, made history last night in becoming the first monkey ever to be elected into public office. Professor Wiggles will serve for the next two years as one of Oklahoma’s congressional representatives. Wiggles, a Republican, ran under a platform of strengthening family values, minimizing the government, and starting a nationally recognized “Free Banana Friday.” Many of Wiggles’ supporters felt that it was time for a more intellectual representative of “The Sooner State” to take the political reigns, however few understand that “Professor” is just part of the monkey’s name, not an actual title.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.