Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

14 Facts About Sleep You Never Knew

This article is written in part by supporters of Circus Killer News. Click this link to find out how you can become a contributor too. Fan contributions are written in magenta. 

*****

Unless you’re a Mormon, sleep is something you’ll have to do at some point in your life. Scientists have spent over five years learning everything there is to know about sleep, but there’s still so much to discover. He’s a list of some dreamy facts you can sleep on.

 

1. Eating one solitary grape before bed can cause violent night terrors and intense gastric distress, however eating more than one grape before bed will bring a deep, restful sleep.

2. The term “heavy sleeper” is considered politically incorrect. They prefer the term “sleeper who is weightly challenged.”

3. Sleeping on dirty sheets will give you sex dreams, whereas sleeping on clean sheets will make you dream about going to church.

4. “40 winks” is a term that commonly refers to taking a nap, however the term started as a popular first tactic used by numerous sexual predators.

5. Listening to white noise while falling asleep can erase all your memories from the day before.

6. People who sleep on their right side are more likely to become serial killers.

7. People who sleep on their left side are more likely to be killed in a factory explosion.

8. People who sleep on their backs are more likely to be abducted by aliens in their sleep.

9. People who sleep on their stomachs don’t exist.

10. Every time you lose an hour of sleep, you’re letting the terrorists win.

11. The 19th Century bedtime story “Wynken, Blynken and Nod” actually has nothing to do with sleep. It’s the name of a personal injury law firm in Bedminster, New Jersey.

12. A full night’s rest has the same effect as getting slapped in the face every fifteen minutes throughout the day.

13. Over 90% of conservatives in America report feeling safer sleeping with a gun under their pillow, whereas 90% of liberals in America say they feel safest sleeping with an abortion under their pillow.

14. The Tooth Fairy is real, and she lost all of her teeth to a meth addiction. She steals yours, and then glues them into her mouth until they fall out again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

30 Common Phobias

Everyone is afraid of something, whether it’s being in the dark, being alone, or being hit on by an octogenarian. There are so many different kinds of fears and phobias that it can be a little difficult to keep track of them all. Here is a list of the thirty most common phobias in the United States.

 

Autoincosophobia – The fear of getting hit by a car while indoors.

Millenophobia – The fear of young people.

Agoraphobia – The fear of Al Gore.

Fakillnesophobia – The fear of gluten.

Americophobia – The fear of getting shot.

Holicrapophobia – The fear that a sinkhole will open up in your bathroom while you’re sitting on the toilet.

Commerciophobia – The fear of being unable to skip, mute, or otherwise ignore an advertisement.

Phobophobia – The fear of developing an irrational fear.

Phobophobophobia – The fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Protophobophobophobia – The fear of encountering something that might cause the development of the fear of developing the fear of developing an irrational fear.

Aloforevophobia – The fear of never landing a second date.

Enbeesiophobia – The fear that your favorite television show will get canceled.

Selleckophobia – The fear of exceptional mustaches.

Coulrophobia – The fear of being cool.

Marmotophobia – The fear of getting trapped in a “Groundhog Day” loop.

Pauppophobia – The fear of making eye contact with a poor person.

Netflexpirophobia – The fear that a movie or show you want to watch on Netflix will expire before you get the chance to watch it.

Ufophobia – The fear of being abducted by aliens.

Claustrophobia – The fear of Santa Claus.

Flatuvatophobia – The fear of farting in an elevator.

Arachnophobia – The fear of Iraq.

Forforforophobia – The fear that Wendy’s will take away their “4 for 4” deal.

Notextophobia – The fear that someone dislikes you because they didn’t promptly text you back.

Movonophobia – The fear that your ex is doing better than you.

Procrastophobia – The fear that you’ve been putting something off for too long.

Digifilinophobia – The fear that your body is a robotic skin-suit that is being controlled by a group of highly intelligent housecats.

Chipotelophobia – The fear of chipotle (the spice, not the restaurant).

Chitolepophobia – The fear of Chipotle (the restaurant, not the spice).

Gamothronesophobia – The fear of nudity.

Drumpfophobia – The fear that you’re about half has intelligent as you think you are, and that everyone is secretly laughing at you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

String Of Disappearances Possibly Related To New Dating App

Recent evidence has linked a number of bizarre disappearances across the country with a new dating app called “IrthMate.” All of the disappearances have been young adult males, and it has been confirmed that all of them recently downloaded IrthMate and were using it shortly before their disappearance.

One of the men who disappeared was Chad Grevski, a 26-year-old temp from Saint Falls, Virginia. Grevski’s phone was left behind in his apartment, and the last few messages he sent and received through the app indicate that he was leaving to meet up with a woman he met on the app with the username, “NormalEarthGirl387.”

A man matching Grevski’s description was seen wandering into a dark alleyway not far from his apartment, which investigators claim was the agreed upon meet-up spot. Reports say that a bright cone of green light beamed down into the alleyway from unusually low clouds. One woman claims she saw Grevski floating up this beam of light before it dissipated.

“I was walking my dog when I saw the light coming down,” says eyewitness Jasmine Flynn. “I saw what looked like a man going up into the light, and then he was gone. I remember thinking how weird that was since people don’t usually float upwards into beams of light; I just assumed he was drunk.”

Brad Verbewski, another avid hook-up app user, claims that shortly after using IrthMate he was abducted by aliens, and that everyone who uses the app shares the same fate.

“I was messaging this chick on there, I think her name was ‘HumanWomanReal5583,’ and she said we should meet up,” says Brad. “I put on a sleeveless shirt and went to where she said she would be, and this light came down and I was taken up onto a ship. And I was like, ‘whoa, dude, this is not happening.’”

Brad claims that the app was set up by extraterrestrials, and that they’re abducting bros all around the country to solve a population crisis on their home planet.

“The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by these super hot alien space babes who all wanted to get with me. They said if we didn’t start bumpin’ immediately they were gonna vaporize the whole planet. I had no choice but to bang all these hot alien ladies, like hundreds of them, thousands. I must have been goin’ at it like a week.”

Brad was in fact reported missing for nearly a week, and he says he can provide evidence for his unusually graphic close encounter. He claims to have gotten an alien STD.

“There are these tiny tentacle looking things that started growing around my junk, and every day at exactly 10:26 in the morning, they do this thing that I can best describe as acid-sneezing. They itch and burn something awful… I don’t know what it’s called, but I had pretty much everything before gettin’ this.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Fidget Spinners

You’ll find them at the counter of every store, in the garbage of every public school, and among the possessions of every cool teenager. No, they’re not condoms, they’re called “fidget spinners,” and, like becoming aroused while you’re sleeping, they are an overnight sensation. But what exactly is a fidget spinner? How do they work? Where do they come from? What are they made of? Is there a way to make money off of them? Do we really have time to answer all of these questions?

To answer some of these questions, Circus Killer News sent investigative reporter Ronaldo Odlanor to speak with Dr. Percy LaDarque, a professor of Trinket Studies at the University of Somewhere.

“They’re just starting to catch on now, but fidget spinners have a long history,” said Professor LaDarque. “They first appeared in Ancient Greece around the year 410 B.C.E. Young boys would have to spin their fidget spinners for one complete day to prove that they were men. Then they would gift them to girls they wanted to marry to symbolize ceaseless love.”

LaDarque points out that in many ways, this ritual still exists today.

“The Ancient Greeks believed that the human heart itself was a fidget spinner,” continued LaDarque. “When a person dies, that meant their heartspinner stopped spinning. When a person was rude or callous, that meant their heartspinner was wobbly, perhaps because it had been dropped too many times.”

But just who is it that makes fidget spinners? This is where LaDarque is in the dark.

“I can tell you that our ancestors made their fidget spinners out of hardened dung, straw, and a virgin’s saliva. I’m not sure who makes them now, however. That’s one of the greatest mysteries of modern times as far as I’m concerned.”

Strangely enough, the packages in which fidget spinners are kept before being sold have no familiar company labels. In fact, aside from all the text appearing in English, there’s nothing on the package that would suggest that fidget spinners come from any earthly source. Is it possible, then, that fidget spinners are not made by earthly means? Could they not have originated on this planet at all?

Jim Helvetico, a professional conspiracy theorist and finisher of “Phat Mike’s 30-inch Pizza Explosion,” thinks that fidget spinners might literally be out of this world. He claims that fidget spinners were given to us by a race of alien beings.

“There’s no way that our ancestors could have crafted fidget spinners using the tools that they had,” said Jim while clipping his toenails in the middle of the interview. “Back when we were first evolving we were visited by beings from another world. They helped us in our development by giving us things like tools, agriculture, weed, mixed martial arts, non-stick pots and pans, hats with cup holders, alligator meat, raisinets, and yes, fidget spinners.”

But why would an ancient alien race visit Earth just to deliver fidget technology? Jim claims he has the answer.

“You have to understand that this was all technology that they didn’t want. And we gave them sex slaves in return. This was an intergalactic garage sale, maybe the first one to have ever taken place.”

Jim has faced some criticism for his theory, but he believes it checks out.

“I’m not saying that all fidget spinners come from space,” he said, “I’m just saying the people who make them are controlled by a race of squid-like ice demons who live in space.”

 There are many unanswered questions about fidget spinners, but if there are two things that can be said about them with absolute certainty it’s that they’re not going anywhere, and that they are probably not a sex thing.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.