SPECIAL REPORT: Fidget Spinners

You’ll find them at the counter of every store, in the garbage of every public school, and among the possessions of every cool teenager. No, they’re not condoms, they’re called “fidget spinners,” and, like becoming aroused while you’re sleeping, they are an overnight sensation. But what exactly is a fidget spinner? How do they work? Where do they come from? What are they made of? Is there a way to make money off of them? Do we really have time to answer all of these questions?

To answer some of these questions, Circus Killer News sent investigative reporter Ronaldo Odlanor to speak with Dr. Percy LaDarque, a professor of Trinket Studies at the University of Somewhere.

“They’re just starting to catch on now, but fidget spinners have a long history,” said Professor LaDarque. “They first appeared in Ancient Greece around the year 410 B.C.E. Young boys would have to spin their fidget spinners for one complete day to prove that they were men. Then they would gift them to girls they wanted to marry to symbolize ceaseless love.”

LaDarque points out that in many ways, this ritual still exists today.

“The Ancient Greeks believed that the human heart itself was a fidget spinner,” continued LaDarque. “When a person dies, that meant their heartspinner stopped spinning. When a person was rude or callous, that meant their heartspinner was wobbly, perhaps because it had been dropped too many times.”

But just who is it that makes fidget spinners? This is where LaDarque is in the dark.

“I can tell you that our ancestors made their fidget spinners out of hardened dung, straw, and a virgin’s saliva. I’m not sure who makes them now, however. That’s one of the greatest mysteries of modern times as far as I’m concerned.”

Strangely enough, the packages in which fidget spinners are kept before being sold have no familiar company labels. In fact, aside from all the text appearing in English, there’s nothing on the package that would suggest that fidget spinners come from any earthly source. Is it possible, then, that fidget spinners are not made by earthly means? Could they not have originated on this planet at all?

Jim Helvetico, a professional conspiracy theorist and finisher of “Phat Mike’s 30-inch Pizza Explosion,” thinks that fidget spinners might literally be out of this world. He claims that fidget spinners were given to us by a race of alien beings.

“There’s no way that our ancestors could have crafted fidget spinners using the tools that they had,” said Jim while clipping his toenails in the middle of the interview. “Back when we were first evolving we were visited by beings from another world. They helped us in our development by giving us things like tools, agriculture, weed, mixed martial arts, non-stick pots and pans, hats with cup holders, alligator meat, raisinets, and yes, fidget spinners.”

But why would an ancient alien race visit Earth just to deliver fidget technology? Jim claims he has the answer.

“You have to understand that this was all technology that they didn’t want. And we gave them sex slaves in return. This was an intergalactic garage sale, maybe the first one to have ever taken place.”

Jim has faced some criticism for his theory, but he believes it checks out.

“I’m not saying that all fidget spinners come from space,” he said, “I’m just saying the people who make them are controlled by a race of squid-like ice demons who live in space.”

 There are many unanswered questions about fidget spinners, but if there are two things that can be said about them with absolute certainty it’s that they’re not going anywhere, and that they are probably not a sex thing.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Advertisements

Area Teen Survives Car Wreck, Lives to Tweet About It

16-year-old Rhode Islander Caitlyn Summers nearly died yesterday on her way home from school when swerved off the road and hit a tree after being distracted by her phone.

“It’s really a miracle that she wasn’t injured any more than she was,” said first responder Dale Earle. “The car is completely totaled and somehow she walks away without a scratch.”

Immediately following the incident, Caitlyn crawled out of the wreck, phone in hand, and began taking pictures to upload onto Instagram and Facebook instead of calling 911. Caitlyn then started posing next to the wreck and talking “selfies” to send to her Snapchat friends.

Caitlyn then started to tweet about her car accident. Reports say that other drivers passed by Caitlyn and stopped to ask if she needed assistance or to see if emergency services were on their way.

“Oh-em-gee get out of my face!” Caitlyn reportedly told one passerby. “I’m literally tweeting right now and you’re being all up in my shit like some perv.”

Eventually emergency services were dispatched. First responders came arrived at the scene to witness Caitlyn recording a Vine in which she attempted to reenact the crash. Paramedic Dale Earle says the hardest thing to do was tear the teenager away from her phone.

“We were checking to see if she might have been in shock, and amazing she seemed to react pretty normally while she was using her phone. It was when the device was taken away from her that she suddenly became catatonic.”

Caitlyn’s friend Meagan, who was in the passenger seat at the time of the accident, has been in a coma ever since.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.