Last week, Circus Killer News ran this listicle about how men can construct the perfect profile dating app to attract just the right woman. Praise from our readers flooded in saying how helpful our tips were, but our female readers felt left out. To make it up to them, we decided to make a gender-swapped guide to help women make the perfect profile for any dating app. Ghostbusters.
1. Put your zodiac sign in your bio. Astrology is the one thing that all straight men know and care about.
2. Men are terrified of commitments, so don’t mention that you were once committed to an insane asylum after you said a ghost started the fire your fiancée died in.
3. Show that you’re smart but playful. Post a picture of yourself with only Scrabble tiles covering your private areas, for example.
4. Avoid phrases that turn men off, such as “equality,” or “fulltime mom,” but use phrases that turn men on, such as “succulent,” or “part-time milf.”
5. Feet are really in now. It would serve you well to post an image of your feet as your profile pic after having them professionally waxed, bleached, and shrink-rayed.
6. There are a lot of creeps out there, so be sure to include in your bio that your brother is a police officer or a Trump or a manager at a spooky theme restaurant or some other scary thing.
7. Guys don’t like a lot of baggage, so pack light.
8. If it comes up, say you’re a dog person. Statistically, dog people are more likely to have lasting relationships, more satisfying sex lives, and little chunks of meat in their pockets.
9. Be on the lookout for catfish who are only interested in pranking you or stealing your financial information. You can spot them easily; they’re all the attractive ones.
10. Most guys who use dating apps are just looking for someone they can introduce to their ex to prove that they’ve moved on, so as long as you’re blonder than average and put down “acting experience” in your bio then you’ll be fine.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.