SPECIAL REPORT: Is Supercuts Stereotyping Against Bald Men?

Every American has been to a Supercuts at one point in their lives, whether it was for a drastic new look, a cheap touchup before an important interview, or to eat hair off of the floor because that Eastern European guy said it was the only way you could star in his movie. But what if this affordable staple of passable fashion was secretly stereotyping against the nation’s least fortunate demographic? What if the welcoming atmosphere of Supercuts is just as fake as that Eastern European guy’s film company turned out to be?

Rod Skagleyfoot contacted Circus Killer News after being victimized by the hair cutting giant. He says he was denied service for no other reason than that he was bald.

“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” said Skagleyfoot to Circus Killer News reporter Chip Chambers. “I’ve never heard of something like this happening before, except to people who are black or gay or women or something else weird.”

Skagleyfoot recalled times in the past when visiting Supercuts was a fun and relaxing experience; a time before he identified as a bald man.

“It used to be that in this country you was free to go to Supercuts and wait on a wobbly, uncomfortable bench in the lobby for 40 minutes while reading all the fancy French words on that wall of shampoos, and wondering if you can get away with taking one of those lollipops from the bowl by saying your kid is in the car. That’s the America I remember. And it’s gone.”

Skagleyfoot isn’t the first bald man to complain. In fact, many bald men complain about a lot of thing all the time. But Skagleyfoot isn’t the first to come forward with complaints about this specific thing. Bald men across the country have reported being denied service from Supercuts due to nothing more than their shiny, hairless tops.

To get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Chip Chambers went undercover as a bald man. Chip did everything he could to project a truly bald image. In addition to wearing a bald cap, Chip put on sandals, a t-shirt with words on it, and learned everything he could about canned beer. Chip was driven to a nearby Supercuts in our Circus Killer News van, which for this experiment was disguised as a 2002 Ford Taurus – a stereotypically bald car.

Chip was thrown out not soon after entering. No recording devices were allowed in the establishment due to recent Great Clips espionage attempts, so none of what transpired could be captured on film or audio. According to Chip’s reports, however, the stylist who greeted him did so at gunpoint and ordered him back out onto the street.

Chip returned later that day without the bald makeup. He was surprised to find that the exact same stylist who had just hours earlier threatened to “scalp [his] freakishly naked head and hang it up on the scalp wall for all to see” now greeted him pleasantly and without a firearm. As Chip sat wrapped up in that black tarp that protects people from the radiation of the electric shavers, and the hair stylist trimmed his hair while droning on about her friend’s sister’s fiancée’s landscaping business or whatever, Chip felt as though the world was supposed to be better than such vile, petty prejudices. In those few minutes he spiraled into a deep, inescapable depression that radically shook his entire worldview at its core. In the middle of his haircut, Chip activated his emergency Circus Killer News cyanide tooth, and became the thirteenth thing to die in that particular hair stylist’s hands.

Rest in peace, Chip Chambers. This Circus Killer News Special Report is dedicated to you.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Coke Vs. Pepsi

Nothing has divided our nation more than the answer to the ultimate question: which is better, Coke or Pepsi? Many Americans argue the title of best soda belongs to Coca-Cola, the original cola company. Some, however, suggest that Pepsi has caught up and surpassed the original soda giant in terms of both freshness and taste. Others still have no preference, but those people are losers. To settle the debate once and for all, Circus Killer News sent it’s top investigative reporter, Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser, out into the field to learn a little more about this lightly refrigerated war.

Abdulla began his investigation by interviewing people in the street. Not surprisingly, many Americans took a hard stance on the issue.

“I wouldn’t drink Pepsi if it was the last beverage on Earth,” said one woman who was seemingly unaware that there was a fully untouched fried drumstick sitting in her cleavage. “My daddy was a Coke drinker, his daddy was a Coke drinker, and his daddy couldn’t drink anything ‘cause he got his throat slashed open in a bar fight as a three-year-old and any time he tried to drink somethin’ for the rest of his life it would just spurt out of his neck, but I’m sure he’d’ve been a Coke drinker, too.” Abdulla received similar remarks from devoted Pepsi drinkers.

But what makes these two beverages so different? After immersive research that lasted about fifteen seconds, Abdulla found that the ingredients for the two beverages were exactly the same. Not only that, but Coke and Pepsi are distributed by the exact same bottling company, the “Render Word Owl” Co.

It was then that Abdulla started receiving mysterious death threats. Abdulla received a message on his answering machine where a man with a voice changer told him to “stop meddling in things he didn’t understand.” A brick came crashing through a window in Abdulla’s home with a note tied to it that read, “stop asking questions, we’re watching.” Then, another brick came through another window with a different message that read, “also, who the fuck still has an answering machine? It’s 2017.”

Determined to get to the bottom of this conspiracy, Abdulla looked up information about the Render Word Owl Company. Soon he was contacted by an illusive whistleblower who went by the codename “Backdoor Tooter.” Tooter turned Abdulla onto a factory in the Midwest and told him to follow the corn syrup, so he did.

Abdulla discovered that the factory that produces Coca-Cola is the exact same one that produces Pepsi. Abdulla reported watching in horror as black, fizzy liquid from one giant vat was funneled into two separate conveyer belts, one for Coke bottles and another for Pepsi. All the workers were children who were being whipped by a man wearing sandals, a skirt, and a cloth headdress. It was a gruesome sight.

Abdulla reported all of this over the phone, but the call was cut short before he could tell us where he was. That was several weeks ago, and we haven’t heard from him since. Circus Killer News is presuming Abdulla Schmidtenhaüser dead, making him the fifteenth reporter this year who was killed by getting too close to something, although the other fourteen all died at once when our printer exploded.

We are hereby suspending our investigation into the Coke/Pepsi war.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.