13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Beach

For decades scientists and experts have known that the beach is just about the worst place to spend large amounts of time, yet that doesn’t stop ordinary Americans from flocking to the shore every warm-weather weekend. Recently, Circus Killer News sent an undercover reporter, Chelsea Realperson, to the Jersey shore to try and figure out what makes people return to these hellish scenes and how they manage to survive.

First, Chelsea sought to discover what draws beachgoers to the shore. After interviewing several people, Chelsea found that many meander to the shores every weekend to relax. Beachgoers are seemingly unaware that things like sitting, napping, and reading are all activities that can be done in their own homes. Aspects of the shore that beachgoers find aesthetically pleasing, such as “listening to the sound of the waves” and “smelling the salty air,” can easily be replicated with smartphone apps.

A handful of beachgoers said they enjoyed the sand but could not explain why. Chelsea asked if they were aware that sand tracks back to their homes and often hides glass shards, used condoms and discarded drug paraphernalia, and all of them shrugged those facts off like they were no big deal. As a test, Chelsea asked a different group of strangers if they would continue to frequent a movie theater, mall, public park or any other social gathering area if the ground there was littered with garbage, band-aids and bugs, and the responses she received ranged from “of course not” to “god, no” to “ma’am, please, this is a funeral.”

Many beachgoers report taking pleasure in laying on the ground and exposing as much of themselves as possible to harmful solar radiation. Instead of wearing clothes, beachgoers will rub chemicals into their skin or even take shelter under umbrellas, which are traditionally used for protection from the exact opposite kind of weather. Our reporter, Chelsea, attempted this “sunbathing” herself and was unable to feel the spiritual connection that most beachgoers report feeling with their Sun God, whom they often refer to as Uv. Soon afterwards Chelsea’s skin turned red, which she believes is Uv punishing her for her rejection of the beachers’ ways.

When wanting to feel active, beachgoers will often charge headfirst into the ocean – yes, the literal ocean – which is its own separate horror. Beachgoers enjoy sloshing their bodies around in this salty liquid-landfill despite the fact that it is often the site of hurricanes, drownings, and is the only place where sharks exist. There are groupings of attractive high-school dropouts called “lifeguards” whose job it is to keep swimmers safe from the oceans’ many terrors, but not a single one of them ever carries a weapon.

Chelsea was never able to figure out why people return to the beach whenever they can, and for that she has been demoted to an overcover reporter. One thing she did discover, however, is that regular beachgoers will continue this ritual every weekend from Labor Day to Memorial Day, or possibly the other way around. I forget which is which.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #12 – What are Some Ways I Can Achieve that Perfect Summer Swimsuit Body?

Happy Thursday! Im Brittany von Beuren and I am the official Circus Killer relationship expert nd spiritual advisor. I answer your questions every week

So this week my question comes form a fan of mine in new jersey. She writes…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, summer is quickly approaching which for me means feeling ashamed every time I go to the pool or the beach. Ever since I was about 15 I haven’t been able to wear a bikini because I haven’t felt good enough about my weight. I’m not overly overweight or anything, I just keep seeing the girls and women who are thinner than me and it makes me embarrassed to be out there with them. Every year I tell myself I’m going to be like them next summer, but no matter what I do I never hit my target weight. Do you have any tips for staying in shape for beach season?

 

Answer: This is issue that playgs hundreds of women cross america so im glad you aksed. Ive nown women who were so a shamed of there bodys that they ended up be coming actresses so I no the affects it can have.

So a lotta woman will tell you that its societies fawlt for making you feel fat. They say that becos movies and tv tells you that you gotta look a certen way thats why you feel like you have to look that way and act that way. Dont let these women fool you tho becos there just jellus of what little looks you do have. It defnitly is your own fawlt for not bean buetiful and u should feel bad for not bean better then what you now are. But luckly its ok! Im here to fix that!

So your first step is gonna be to stop eating. Food genarrates fat so if you dont eat at all you can never get fat! Just get newtriants the way aminals do by suckling on leeves and dirt and sunlite. Nature helps you be come a naturely buetiful body returning to it is the best way to be come a naturel buety.

Next your gonna wanna exersise. Now before you say it I know.. working out is hard! And it rarely works out. But there are thinks you can do to re ward your self for doing a good job at it. So for a sample like I like to prawemis my self that I wont make fun of a ugly person until I run at leest 2 miles in a place that nayberhood dads can see my chest, or ill say that im gonna eat 1 blue berry after working out my arms in giving at leest 5 hand jobs.

Of coarse if nun of these work you can all ways re sort to sirjury. Theres no shame in doing it, ive had so many operayshins done its like more then I can count on my fingers and toes, none of which are the wons I originaly started with. Its not that a spensive if you know who to exploit or black mail and it can give you litteraly any body you want, litteraly any won. I used to be friends with the little japaneese school girl that ended up be coming jayden smith.

 

Okay so thats all the time I have for today! Besure to keep writing me your questions and i will get to answering them evenutlaly! By for now!! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.