surgery

KILLER ADVICE: What Should I Do With All The Bones That I Keep Finding On My Property?

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You’re reading ‘Killer Advice,’ a weekly advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. Killer Advice was recently awarded “Best Advice Ever Given” by 9 out of 10 people who had a knife held to their throat.

 

This week’s question comes to us from Silas Guzman, an electrician from Sable Doux, Wisconsin. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I recently started digging a hole in my backyard so that I could reach China and get authentic Chinese food right on my own property, but when I got just two feet deep on my first hole, I found a human skeleton. I started digging another hole on another spot on my property, and there was a skeleton in that hole, too. I tried digging a hole to China eight more times, and each time I found a different human skeleton. Now I have thousands of bones, but I have no idea what to do with them. Can you think of anyway that these bones would be useful?”

 

Silas, you hit the jackpot. There are so many uses for bones that it’s actually going to be difficult to fit them all into this post. Most of the problems that average Americans face on a daily basis is not having enough bones, so if you play this right, you could be living like a king for the rest of your life.

Before detailing the many uses for bones, however, we have to caution against doing anything with them without knowing where they came from. It’s entirely possible that your home is built on top of a Native American burial ground, and messing around with those bones could lead to a serious poltergeist infestation. You could also wind up with a haunting if the skeletons belong to anyone who was murdered, especially if they were murdered by a clown. Check to make sure none of the funny bones are missing.

One of the ways you could use these bones, Silas, is by putting them out as Halloween decorations. Even if it weren’t that time of year, it’s always a good idea to have skeletons littering your lawn to scare off trespassers. You could also glue different bones together to create a massive bone monster to prop up on your lawn, which would serve the same purpose.

You could also substitute all those bones in your cooking. Bones are an excellent source of calcium, and if you can grind them up into a fine powder then you can mix them in your drinks and your food. You’ll strengthen your immune system significantly, and if you consume enough human bones then you can actually stop yourself from aging. The only negative side to eating human bones is that you might get psychic visions of the person whose bones you’re eating, which can be very annoying.

The last usage we’ll leave you with is the most obvious one; get those bones surgically implanted into your body. The more bones you have, the healthier and stronger you are. Everyone will be able to see the dozens of extra bones beneath your stretched out skin and they will think you are the mightiest person ever.

We hope this helps, Silas, and if it doesn’t then please sell us all of your bones.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 5 Worst Times That Someone Spilled Soup On Me

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People have been unintentionally spilling soup on me for as long as I can remember. It is very annoying and very traumatic, but my therapist says that I need to share my story if I want to get past it. Here are the 5 worst times that I’ve had soup spilled onto me.

 

While sleeping – One night while I was sleeping next to my girlfriend, I awoke to the sensation of a hot liquid splashing onto my face, accompanied by the sounds of lustful slurping. To my horror, I saw my girlfriend and my best friend having sex in bed right next to me while eating soup together. It turns out they had been having an affair for several months. I have no idea why they were eating soup while making love, nor do I know why they had to do it in bed with me, but this was one of the most traumatic events of my life and I needed to go to therapy for it. The soup was chicken noodle.

While giving that big presentation at work – I was presenting a new marketing strategy to the senior board members for my company, which was a huge opportunity for me. About two minutes into my presentation, the company soup barer entered the conference room and began delivering bowls of soup to all of the staff from his rusty trusty unicycle. Sadly there was a terrible rat infestation in our building, and even a seasoned soup barer like ours was not able to avoid them. His rusty trusty unicycle slammed into one of the sturdier rats, and a bowl of minestrone he was holding splashed all over my skintight business suit. I had to perform the rest of my presentation while drenched in the hot minestrone, and I was so flustered that my boss fired me as soon as I was done.

During a job interview – It took me a while to find work after that snafu with the big presentation at my last job. After what seemed like a decade, but was really nine years, I finally landed an interview at another company. It was a printing company that operated out of the basement of a soup factory. I went in for my interview, and that just happened to be the same day that the soup-proofing in the ceiling failed. Some gazpacho drizzled onto my head for the entirety of my interview, and the guy who interviewed me was so distracted by it that he forgot I was talking to him. I didn’t get the job.

While at a basketball game – I was at a basketball game, thinking that it was just what I needed to keep my mind off of all these soup disasters. I was sitting in the front row. When halftime came, some cheerleaders came out with t-shirt cannons, but one of them accidentally loaded her cannon with soup instead of t-shirts. She aimed the cannon right at me and fired, and my face was smacked with some french onion soup traveling at 80 miles per hour. I was immediately rushed to the hospital.

While being operated on at the hospital – I had to undergo surgery immediately after the basketball game because of how badly the french onion soup messed up my face. During the operation, the lead surgeon became hungry and started eating lentil soup over me. He forgot to remove his facemask, and the soup spilled down on to my face. He didn’t notice his mistake for a long time, and lentil soup disfigurations were appearing as quickly as french onion disfigurations were being fixed. I ended up having to pay twice as much for the surgery.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KILLER ADVICE: Why Do I Keep Losing Things?

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You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly write-in advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. This column exists because the CKN staff is committed to bettering the lives of its loyal readers, and because helping people in this fashion fulfills a court-ordered community service requirement.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Zabelle Dyson, who lives in Annioux, West Virginia. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News:

I’ve developed this problem of losing things all the time. I have trouble finding my phone, my charger, my car keys, my house keys, my car, my house, my 10-inch long vibrating plastic sculpture of a very weirdly shaped building that my boss gave me as a present; pretty much everything I own has been lost at some point. Is there anything I can do to make sure I don’t lose anything anymore?”

 

Zabelle, this is an easy one. Like all problems in life, this one can easily be solved with surgery and magnets. Find a doctor to layer your body with magnets just underneath the skin, and then glue magnets to every object you own. All of your possessions will stick to your body, and you’ll never lose anything again. Honestly, this is such an obvious solution and you should feel really bad for not thinking of it yourself.

Now, everyone who works at Circus Killer News is filthy rich; we don’t know how expensive magnets are because we have our butlers go out and buy all our magnets for us. In case you can’t afford any magnets, here are a few other possibilities.

Hire a private detective to find your missing items for you. Private investigators are usually cheap, and their alcoholism makes them fun to be around. The downside of hiring a private detective, of course, is that everything around them becomes black-and-white, which is a huge negative for any fan of colors.

Another solution would be to train a dog that could retrieve any of your belongings at any time with a simple command. The only problem with the dog option is that you would have to have a dog near you, which nobody enjoys. This option also wouldn’t work if you ever lose the dog, or your voice.

The last solution we can think of would be to attain psychic powers that would allow you to know the location of all objects in the universe at any given time. You can strengthen your psychic abilities by eating kale, sleeping on a bed of crystals, or by consuming the uncooked brains of a psychic you murdered. This is your riskiest option however, since ascending to a higher state of consciousness might cause a detachment to the material world within your being, and you could find yourself no longer wanting any of your possessions anyway. So this wouldn’t solve your problem, so much as it would get rid of the problem altogether.

We hope this helps, Zabelle, but more importantly, we hope you haven’t lost whatever device you use to read Circus Killer News, because that will have made this whole article pointless.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Weight Loss

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Americans are as obsessed with losing weight as they are with unintentionally gaining it. Each year, millions of Americans are killed because of weight loss regimens that are too extreme, too untested, or too volcanic. To investigate the dangers of losing weight, Circus Killer News persuaded Mica Raszbo, one of its most expendable reporters, to try out a few different methods of getting thin.

The first weight loss method that Mica tried out was dieting. He went on a “Green” diet in which he could only eat green foods, but Mica kept getting sick because he would just eat green Skittles. Mica then tried the “Fist Hunter” diet where he was only allowed to eat animals that he could both ride and kill with his bare hands. This proved to be an excellent means of losing weight for Mica because he ended up not eating anything for seven days. Lastly, Mica went on a diet called “Holes for Goals” where he was only permitted to eat foods with holes in them, such as bagels, Swiss cheese, and DVDs. This was the most nutritious diet by far.

There are a lot of different weight loss drugs on the market, but because there is no agency in the United States that regulates food and drugs, it’s impossible to know for certain which weight loss drugs are safe, and which ones are highly explosive. We mixed a bunch of different weight less pills into Mica’s lunch without his knowledge to see how his body would react. After about thirty minutes, he began vomiting on everything nearby. He also lost his vision, convulsed uncontrollably, and started speaking fluent Portuguese, which is a language that he didn’t know before. Also his right hand completely fell off, so he did technically loose about fifteen pounds.

As we accompanied Mica to a hospital to get his hand reattached, we inquired about surgical weight loss options. Since bones are the heaviest part of your body, the smartest surgical option would be a simple bone removal, where they take out some of the bones that you aren’t using. Another option is an organ reduction; we only use 10% of our brains, so slicing out that unused 90% will help you get rid of any excess brain-weight that you might be carrying with you. We went ahead and signed up Mica for both of the procedures while he was passed out.

This left only one more weight loss measure for Mica to test out: exercise. We gave Mica a gym membership so that he could start pumping iron, treading mills, and doing that thing Chuck Norris does in that commercial, but he never used his membership. Ever since he was brought home from the hospital, he’s done nothing but lay in bed as a drooling, motionless, unresponsive pool of human soup. That gym membership was pretty expensive, so Circus Killer News is now suing Mica for everything he has.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Get Women To Notice Me?

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Welcome to Killer Advice, a weekly advice column run by the staff of Circus Killer News, aimed at telling our readers how to live their lives. CKN only hires 10s and is predominantly read by 5s, so chances are Killer Advice is just for you.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Wayne Klochski from South Plains, Ohio. He writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,

I’m having trouble getting girls to notice me. Ever since I was a kid and started noticing girls, I found that I am completely invisible to the opposite sex. I’ve tried tying bells around my neck, but that just makes people think that I’m celebrating Christmas, and that always gets me arrested because celebrating Christmas in public is now a hate crime. I’ve tried leaving dead squirrels on a woman’s doorstep to show her that I’m a provider and that I can protect her, but she just called the police. What exactly am I doing wrong? What can I do to get girls to notice me?”

 

Wayne, this is a common problem amongst insignificant men. The truth is, women don’t notice you because you’re probably not worth noticing. Hit the gym every once in a while. Throw away those glasses. Get a face transplant. There are lots of different options available to you if you’re willing to work for them.

A study conducted by a bunch of nerds found that the first three things women notice about men are their face, their body, and the clothes that they’re wearing. If women aren’t noticing you, then you’re doing something incorrectly with these three things. For example, make sure that you aren’t wearing six different masks when you’re approaching women, and make sure you’re wearing a bright spandex suit that hugs every contour of your body. The number one cause of divorce in the U.S. is that husbands stop showing off their contours after they get married, but women never stop needing to see men’s contours every minute of every day, or else they turn into a skeleton.

Let’s say that you can’t accentuate any of these three things because your face was torn off by a bear, or your body just looks weird, or all your clothes are wizard robes because you’re a wizard. At this point, you need to whip out the big guns. Women love big guns because guns are made out of animal penises, which contain all of the pheromones that they need to survive. Women are also drawn to intelligent men, so you can always try impressing a lady by counting to fifteen in front of her and telling her about all the shapes you know. Women also like receiving compliments, so be sure to tell her that the odors her body produces make you happy, and that you want her body to continue making the happy odors.

Follow these easy steps and no woman will be able to ignore you, but complete any of these steps incorrectly and you could severely injure yourself, so wear a helmet at all times.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

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The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips For Getting That Perfect Beach Body

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With beach season nearly here it’s time for us all to shed our gross winter bodies and show off the normal attractive human body we’ve been gestating for seven months. But if you’re not a slug monster then you’ll have to get that summer bod a more traditional way. Here’s a few tips on how to fit into that swimsuit that you said you’d throw out last year.

 

1. Running is a great way to get in shape. If you need a little extra motivation to get moving, hire someone to kill you.

2. Cover yourself in a mirror suit so that no one can see your gross body. This will also keep you cool and blind anyone that annoys you.

3. Use an app.

4. Trying eating only newspaper and receipts for a whole month.

5. Be rich enough that your looks don’t matter.

6. Surgery is always an option. Try that one where they slice you open and toss rabid squirrels in your fatty parts.

7. Draw people’s eyes away from your gross body by going to the beach with someone attractive, such as a guy who’s attended business school or a woman whose father owns a boat.

8. Use a weight loss drug such as cocaine or meth.

9. Tattoo a skinny person onto your body to fool everyone.

10. Travel to the center of the galaxy and consume the singularity at its core.

11. Try one of those new slimming five-piece bikinis.

12. Hire a body double to go to the beach for you.

13. Join a gym. The effort it takes to get in your car, drive to a gym and fill out a membership form will burn off at least eight calories.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Click here to contribute to this site and others like it.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.