KILLER ADVICE: Why Do I Keep Losing Things?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly write-in advice column managed by the staff of Circus Killer News. This column exists because the CKN staff is committed to bettering the lives of its loyal readers, and because helping people in this fashion fulfills a court-ordered community service requirement.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Zabelle Dyson, who lives in Annioux, West Virginia. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News:

I’ve developed this problem of losing things all the time. I have trouble finding my phone, my charger, my car keys, my house keys, my car, my house, my 10-inch long vibrating plastic sculpture of a very weirdly shaped building that my boss gave me as a present; pretty much everything I own has been lost at some point. Is there anything I can do to make sure I don’t lose anything anymore?”

 

Zabelle, this is an easy one. Like all problems in life, this one can easily be solved with surgery and magnets. Find a doctor to layer your body with magnets just underneath the skin, and then glue magnets to every object you own. All of your possessions will stick to your body, and you’ll never lose anything again. Honestly, this is such an obvious solution and you should feel really bad for not thinking of it yourself.

Now, everyone who works at Circus Killer News is filthy rich; we don’t know how expensive magnets are because we have our butlers go out and buy all our magnets for us. In case you can’t afford any magnets, here are a few other possibilities.

Hire a private detective to find your missing items for you. Private investigators are usually cheap, and their alcoholism makes them fun to be around. The downside of hiring a private detective, of course, is that everything around them becomes black-and-white, which is a huge negative for any fan of colors.

Another solution would be to train a dog that could retrieve any of your belongings at any time with a simple command. The only problem with the dog option is that you would have to have a dog near you, which nobody enjoys. This option also wouldn’t work if you ever lose the dog, or your voice.

The last solution we can think of would be to attain psychic powers that would allow you to know the location of all objects in the universe at any given time. You can strengthen your psychic abilities by eating kale, sleeping on a bed of crystals, or by consuming the uncooked brains of a psychic you murdered. This is your riskiest option however, since ascending to a higher state of consciousness might cause a detachment to the material world within your being, and you could find yourself no longer wanting any of your possessions anyway. So this wouldn’t solve your problem, so much as it would get rid of the problem altogether.

We hope this helps, Zabelle, but more importantly, we hope you haven’t lost whatever device you use to read Circus Killer News, because that will have made this whole article pointless.

 

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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What Your Favorite Color Says About You

According to psychics, mystics, and that weird girl my mother keeps trying to set me up with, every human exudes an aura that vibrates at a different color frequency. Most people don’t know this, but the color of a person’s aura can affect their personality just as much as their astrological sign, and people unwittingly choose that color as their favorite. This is why colorblind people have no souls.

The following is a guide to what your favorite color says about how you are, how you live, and what clothes you’ll be wearing when you die.

 

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty, wealth, and psychedelic acid trips. If this is your favorite color then you’re probably high right now.

Blue: Blue is a soft, calming color that is often favored by people trying to suppress their homicidal tendencies.

Orange: This is a color favored by optimists, grade school teachers, and people who make running part of their personality.

Silver: Everyone whose favorite color is silver is either a werewolf hunter or a younger sibling.

Green: People who like green are good with nature. They like to remain neutral, be independent, and cost Hillary the election.

White: Due to its association with purity and cleanliness, white is typically the favorite color of crazy people.

Indigo: Ever since scientists announced that Indigo was no longer part of the rainbow, everyone on the planet who liked this color disappeared. Authorities are still looking for them.

Pink: People who like pink are often loving, compassionate, and develop an addiction to alcohol in their late thirties due to being trapped in a loveless marriage.

Black: If this is your favorite color then you’re just trying to look cool and everyone knows it.

Teal: People who like this color are often indecisive because they can’t choose between blue and green.

Yellow: Yellow isn’t anybody’s favorite color.

Frune: This is a color that only exists in the fifth dimension. If this is your favorite color then you are not human.

Gray: People who favor this color are detestably honest about the miserable absurdity of life.

Brown: Since brown is all of the colors mixed, people who like this color have every personality all at once.

Red: If red is your favorite color then you are a communist and I will find you and report you, you sonofabitch.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.