What Your Favorite Color Says About You

According to psychics, mystics, and that weird girl my mother keeps trying to set me up with, every human exudes an aura that vibrates at a different color frequency. Most people don’t know this, but the color of a person’s aura can affect their personality just as much as their astrological sign, and people unwittingly choose that color as their favorite. This is why colorblind people have no souls.

The following is a guide to what your favorite color says about how you are, how you live, and what clothes you’ll be wearing when you die.

 

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty, wealth, and psychedelic acid trips. If this is your favorite color then you’re probably high right now.

Blue: Blue is a soft, calming color that is often favored by people trying to suppress their homicidal tendencies.

Orange: This is a color favored by optimists, grade school teachers, and people who make running part of their personality.

Silver: Everyone whose favorite color is silver is either a werewolf hunter or a younger sibling.

Green: People who like green are good with nature. They like to remain neutral, be independent, and cost Hillary the election.

White: Due to its association with purity and cleanliness, white is typically the favorite color of crazy people.

Indigo: Ever since scientists announced that Indigo was no longer part of the rainbow, everyone on the planet who liked this color disappeared. Authorities are still looking for them.

Pink: People who like pink are often loving, compassionate, and develop an addiction to alcohol in their late thirties due to being trapped in a loveless marriage.

Black: If this is your favorite color then you’re just trying to look cool and everyone knows it.

Teal: People who like this color are often indecisive because they can’t choose between blue and green.

Yellow: Yellow isn’t anybody’s favorite color.

Frune: This is a color that only exists in the fifth dimension. If this is your favorite color then you are not human.

Gray: People who favor this color are detestably honest about the miserable absurdity of life.

Brown: Since brown is all of the colors mixed, people who like this color have every personality all at once.

Red: If red is your favorite color then you are a communist and I will find you and report you, you sonofabitch.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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SPECIAL REPORT: Vampires

Humans have shared this world with many supernatural creatures over the ages. One such creature that people often celebrate this time of year is a vampire. These deadly, soul sucking, strangely attractive creatures of the night often terrorize our friends and our families, elude our laws and our understanding, and take our women and our jobs.

Vampires were first discovered in the late 1800s when a multitude of killings took the lives of several young London women. All the women had bite marks on their necks, a set of fangs that weren’t present when they disappeared, and a copy of Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight.” All of the murders were blamed on a creepy-looking Eastern European guy because of his accent, which where the Transylvanian stereotype comes from. It was later discovered that the killer was a vampiric industrialist who was wealthy enough it didn’t matter.

Since then, vampirism has been spreading throughout the western world. There have been many famous vampires throughout history, including Martin Van Buren, Al Jolson, and two of the Marx Brothers. Many famous folks who are still alive today are also struggling with vampirism, such as Melania Trump, Martin Shkreli, and that woman from the Progressive commercials.

There are a few different ways you can identify a vampire. For starters, Vampires cannot say the name of God because they think being atheists makes them smarter. If you suspect someone is a vampire, quiz him or her on all things Christ. Additionally, the myth about vampires being allergic to garlic is partially true; if you rub garlic on a vampire’s skin it will turn charcoal black and cool to the touch. Vampires also do not have a reflection, so if you shine a mirror at one you will see an image of a dog on a unicycle dressed as a clown, and not the vampire itself.

Vampires have a number of abilities that make them difficult to combat. They’re super strong, super fast, can turn into bats, cannot age, do not sleep, can stop time, can control the weather, start fires with their mind, and can eat over forty hotdogs in one sitting. Most of the ways that vampires are killed in legend have some degree of truth to them. The myth of the wooden stake through the heart, for example, is a very close mistranslation. In truth, all vampires have poor cholesterol and cannot eat red meat. A steak that has been cooked on a wood-burning stove is really bad for their hearts. Similarly, silver will not damage them, but finishing second in anything will significantly cripple their self-esteem.

The best method for defeating a vampire, however, is to simply not attract one in the first place. Vampires sustain themselves on human blood, so the more blood you have in your body, and the more openly you display that blood, the more likely it is that a vampire will point you in their sights. Essentially, if a vampire attacks you, it’s probably because you were dressed provocatively or were leading it on, so you were asking for it.

If you do get bitten by a vampire, however, then do not panic. Vampires have three kinds of bites. The first is for sucking blood, and it is used to completely drain your body of its vitality. Vampires using this type of bite will not let go until they’ve finished feeding and your body is completely drained, so you have to loosen its grip on your neck by wedging something in there or tickling it. The second type of bite is to convert you into a vampire. In this type, the vampire injects you with vampiric venom that will turn you into a vampire within twenty-four hours of being bitten. Your best chance then is to suck out the venom with a vacuum, bendy straw, or best friend. The third type of bite has nothing to do with preying on humans and is only used for eating pizza.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

Want to write for this site? Click here to learn how to contribute.

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.