Month: November 2017

14 Simple Car Maintenance Tips That Anyone Can Follow

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Owning a car can be a big responsibility. There are a lot of parts, which means lots of upkeep that can be difficult for people to understand. Fortunately, there are plenty of ways to make sure your car is in tip-top shape without needing a degree from any of the big name mechanic colleges. Here are a few of those tips.

 

Your blinkers can freeze up if you use them too much, so only use your turn signals about 20% of the time.

Wiper blades need to be changed every year, and the sharper the blade, the longer they last. You can go up to five years without replacing your wiper blades if you use samurai swords instead.

Make sure you regularly clean out the grill on the front of your car, otherwise any burgers you make on it are going to taste like leaves.

Check the air in your tires every few months. It should only take a couple of puffs from your own lungs to get a flat tire full again.

Always keep a spare tire somewhere. It doesn’t hurt to also keep a spare muffler, a spare battery, spare headlights… in fact, you might just want to tow a spare car around with you.

A car won’t start unless its cup holders are working. Check them as often as you can.

Many modern cars have a backup camera. Be sure to clean this camera whenever it gets dirty so that you can continue spying on all the squirrels in your neighborhood to see what they’re up to.

Be certain that your car’s spaghetti oven is working properly before going on long drives. You don’t want to be stuck in the middle of nowhere without access to any spaghetti.

When fueling your car, be sure to spray some gasoline all around the intake to lube everything up before sticking it in.

Keeping a wrench in your car is always helpful because hitting any broken thing with a wrench will almost always fix it.

Make sure you get your oil changed regularly, but only by a licensed doctor. Have a mechanic do the same thing with your car, too.

It’s always good to get your brakes checked whenever you can, but ultimately they’re not important. You’ll get to where you’re going faster if you don’t use the brakes at all.

Be certain that you car has plenty of headlight fluid so that you can make dated references that no one else will get.

If you have a self-driving car, remember to stock up on pillows and blankets to ensure that you have the most restful driving experience possible.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Movie Theaters

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Every weekend, Americans flock to the movies to catch a glimpse of their favorite superhero saving the day, two attractive people falling in love, or an anthropomorphic animal learning to believe in itself. Despite the home video industry, the internet, and that one-eyed veteran who sells bootleg DVDs outside the building where I work, movie theaters in America are currently booming. This is due to a number of revolutionary features that can’t be found anywhere except the movies.

One of the big changes that came to theaters across the country a few years ago was the installation of recliner seats. Thousands of movie theaters across the US now allow moviegoers to kick their feet up, lean back, and take a nap in the middle of the movie. Many of these seats also have a vibrating massage feature that you can activate by inserting an amount of quarters equal to $13. Of course the seats come with cup holders, but the movie theater seat cup holders of today are temperature controlled, keeping your drink nice and cool while you laugh at whatever Paul Rudd is doing on the screen. Dozens of Americans in the last five years have gotten frostbite by falling asleep during a movie and accidentally leaving their hand inside one of these refrigerated cup holders, but none have complained.

Concessions have also been revolutionized by the movie theater industry. Most movie theaters now offer literal popcorn tubs that customers can sit in during the movie. Some theaters also offer a “concession trough” that the moviegoer fills with an assortment of open snacks and desserts, and then hooks onto the three seats in front of them so that they have something to shove their face into while the movie is playing. Additionally, the smallest soda sizes are now 44 ounces, and the largest are roughly the size of a three-year-old human. Movie theater companies are also starting to remove their restrictions on opioids, cannabis products, and other types of recreational sedatives to make sure that the average moviegoer’s escape from reality is as fulfilling as possible.

Theaters are also making a push to sell tickets for 3D and IMAX movies, which the home theater industry cannot compete with. Some theaters are experimenting with 4D technology, which allows viewers to watch every scene of the movie at the same time. In order to bring a sense of realism to the movie-going experience, a number of theaters will shine powerful lights into people’s eyes during a film’s bright desert scenes, fill the theater with mosquitoes and other bugs during scenes that take place in a swamp, or flood the theater with the smell of urine for any movie that takes place in Newark, New Jersey.

Whether or not these changes and advances in movie theater technology make going to the movies worthwhile is still a matter of some debate. With each new change comes an increase in ticket prices, long lines, and one more thing for bloggers to complain about. The movie theater industry is still going strong, however, which if nothing else proves that humans will tolerate just about anything.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Blogger Forgets Perfect Idea

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Jonas Krakauer, of Blue Ridge, New Jersey, claims he came up with the best idea that he has ever had for his satirical news blog, but he forgot the idea before getting to his phone or his computer. Jonas says he’s lost a number of great ideas this way, but he knows something was different about this one particular idea.

“It was so good,” says Jonas. “It was politically smart but easy to comprehend. It was bold, it was funny… fuck, I just can’t remember it.”

Jonas says that his blog, which has been running for over three years, is starting to slow down. He’s having trouble coming up with content and there are days when he sees little reason to keep it going. He claims this recent idea he forgot would have changed everything.

“I know it had something to do with space aliens,” says Jonas. “It was like, space aliens going to a school, or the White House, or something. I think there was something about the Second Coming, or maybe it was the Second Amendment. Goddammit, it was so good.”

Jonas has tried recreating the circumstances in which the idea came to him to try and jog his memory. So far, he has been unsuccessful.

“I remember I was drying my hair and looking out the window at the same time, and I saw a woman walk by my house with a baby stroller. So I’ve just been staring out the window, trying to think, and every time I see a woman with a baby stroller I dump a bucket of water on my head and start drying. It hasn’t worked yet, but I’ve never washed my hair this much before, so at least I’m getting something out of it.”

Jonas says he might just give up on the idea altogether and instead write about how he can’t come up with anything.

“Obviously that would be boring for the reader, and so incredibly vain,” says Jonas, “but desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

What Your Favorite Color Says About You

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According to psychics, mystics, and that weird girl my mother keeps trying to set me up with, every human exudes an aura that vibrates at a different color frequency. Most people don’t know this, but the color of a person’s aura can affect their personality just as much as their astrological sign, and people unwittingly choose that color as their favorite. This is why colorblind people have no souls.

The following is a guide to what your favorite color says about how you are, how you live, and what clothes you’ll be wearing when you die.

 

Purple: Purple is the color of royalty, wealth, and psychedelic acid trips. If this is your favorite color then you’re probably high right now.

Blue: Blue is a soft, calming color that is often favored by people trying to suppress their homicidal tendencies.

Orange: This is a color favored by optimists, grade school teachers, and people who make running part of their personality.

Silver: Everyone whose favorite color is silver is either a werewolf hunter or a younger sibling.

Green: People who like green are good with nature. They like to remain neutral, be independent, and cost Hillary the election.

White: Due to its association with purity and cleanliness, white is typically the favorite color of crazy people.

Indigo: Ever since scientists announced that Indigo was no longer part of the rainbow, everyone on the planet who liked this color disappeared. Authorities are still looking for them.

Pink: People who like pink are often loving, compassionate, and develop an addiction to alcohol in their late thirties due to being trapped in a loveless marriage.

Black: If this is your favorite color then you’re just trying to look cool and everyone knows it.

Teal: People who like this color are often indecisive because they can’t choose between blue and green.

Yellow: Yellow isn’t anybody’s favorite color.

Frune: This is a color that only exists in the fifth dimension. If this is your favorite color then you are not human.

Gray: People who favor this color are detestably honest about the miserable absurdity of life.

Brown: Since brown is all of the colors mixed, people who like this color have every personality all at once.

Red: If red is your favorite color then you are a communist and I will find you and report you, you sonofabitch.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Most Online Dating Profiles Set Up By Ostriches Trying To Trick People Into Giving Them Bird Seed, Study Finds

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According to a recent study, nearly 80% of online dating profiles are set up and run by crafty, mischievous ostriches that are trying to trick normal people into giving them birdseed. The study shows that this has been going on for over four years now, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it.

Many online daters across the country have spoken out about the issue after the study was released, saying they were too embarrassed to say anything before.

“I got matched with a man named Eduardo Phillips,” says frequent online dater and scarf enthusiast Hanna Borgen. “We chatted for a while and every so often he would ask me if I had any birdseed. I thought he was just being quirky and weird like every other guy who uses dating sites.”

Hanna later found out that she had been chatting with an ostrich the whole time, and that this ostrich was just using her to buy birdseed.

“He started asking if I would send him birdseed through the mail. Small packages at first, then larger ones. It got to a point where I was spending hundreds of dollars a month on birdseed and shipping, and I had no idea where it was all going.”

Hanna says that whenever she had doubts about the relationship, “Eduardo” would reassure her that he was a person just like her, and that sending him birdseed was the best way she could show her love towards him.

“I felt like I could trust him, like I could confide in him,” said Hanna. “I can see now that he was just an ostrich preying on my insecurities, but it felt so real at the time.”

Hanna isn’t alone. Nearly 400,000 Americans have reported similar experiences in the last four years. Authorities are not certain if it is a single ostrich behind all these fraud cases, or a league of ostriches working together.

The FBI has issued a warning for every online dater in the United States to be on the lookout for profiles that look suspiciously like they might have been created by ostriches.

“If someone you meet online starts asking you for birdseed, the best thing you can do is to cease communicating with them,” said an FBI spokesperson this morning. “We are doing everything we can to find the ostrich or ostriches responsible.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Revolutionary Weight Loss Pill Transfers Unwanted Fat To Someone Else

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Lipodexx, a new, highly advanced weight loss drug, became available in pharmacies all across the country this week with its revolutionary procedure of transferring body fat to other people.

Mercudyne, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Lipodexx, has not released any information on how the drug works. Some speculate it’s through a breakthrough quantum technology, while others believe magic is at work.

Results vary for each person depending on their height, weight, and sexual orientation. For every pound that someone on the drug loses, a different person somewhere else in the world gains. The person who gains the weight has no connection to the person who loses it.

“It’s completely random,” said Mercudyne spokesperson Gary Charzard. “Someone will take Lipodexx and lose thirty pounds in a week, and then someone in a completely different part of the world will wake up an extra thirty pounds heavier.”

Many Americans applaud the new drug for being exactly what they’re looking for – it doesn’t solve their problem, but it does push it onto someone else.

“I’ve tried everything to lose weight,” says Millicent Torruso, a lifelong overweight person. “I’ve tried exercising, I’ve tried surgery, I’ve tried Satanism, I’ve tried a weight loss cult that required me to swallow magnets and rub crystals all over my body, but nothing worked. I don’t know what happens to the fat, and I don’t care.”

Mercudyne has developed a number of other experimental drugs, including a birth control pill that also makes your sexual partner infertile, a painkiller that erases traumatic memories, and a cough syrup that makes your voice hilariously high pitched. Lipodexx, however, is the first drug of theirs to hit the market.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.