12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Large Hadron Collider Still Unable to Find Billions it Would Need to Make a Profit

Disappointment came after another unsuccessful week of searching for the billions of dollars it would take to turn a profit for CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, the biggest and most expensive particle accelerator ever constructed. The massive machine was built to search for theoretical particles that might help to explain the origin of the universe, as well as maybe some extra cash on the side to help put a dent in the massive bill it creates.

“The LHC cost about 6.4 billion US dollars for the initial construction,” said CERN spokesperson Valda Palkovski. “It costs about 1 billion dollars every year just to keep it running. Though it has produced some groundbreaking results, it’s still a shock to everyone at CERN that we haven’t found a single shred of monetary value.”

The LHC became fully operational in November of 2009 and since then has discovered things that only smart people understand, however there’s growing concern that something as valueless to Europe and the world as one US dollar has yet to be found in the miles-long research facility. To compensate, plans have been drafted to install small metal detectors to locate any change that the universe might have left leaving around.

“We’re still hopeful that some profit might come out of this project,” continued Palkovski. “It’s conceivable that if we power it up enough, we could tear the walls of our universe open and generate a passage to a parallel Earth that the US government could invade and plunder for oil, gold and other valuable objects. Until that day comes, we will continue trying.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Apple’s New ‘iFlush’ to Begin Shipping in May

Apple fans across the country are waiting with anticipation for the company’s “iFlush,” to begin selling at the end of next month. The iFlush is the first ever smart toilet that can interface wirelessly through a user’s iPhone or iPad, as well as physically through a user’s butt.

“Once synchronizing the iFlush to any hand-held Apple device,” said Apple spokesperson Navika Vasgupti, “the user can control their iFlush anywhere, anytime. As you can see, not only can I flush remotely, but I can also heat the seat, dispense cleaning fluid and plunge any leftover waste that might be clogging the plumbing.”

The iFlush was delayed multiple times due to an issue with its “auto-plunge” feature that shot clogged waste back up at users while they were using the device. Vasgupti assured during the Apple press conference, however, that this issue was corrected.

“Apple has revolutionized the bathroom experience,” said Vasgupti, “by adding a series of new features that are unlike any toilet you’ve ever seen. For a small extra fee, anyone can download any hundred of additional apps that can turn your iFlush into a gaming system, news outlet or home theater. You’ll never have to leave your toilet again.”

“But that’s not all,” Vasgupti continued. “The iFlush can also be synced to the iCloud. This gives users the ability to store all of their bowel movements so that they can be viewed at any time or shared with a friend.”

The price of the iFlush has yet to be announced, but many tech journalists predict a smart toilet like the iFlush will be in almost every home within the next 10 years.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best iPhone Apps

The Apple App Store is filled with a vast assortment of useful and entertaining apps. It can be difficult to tell which of them are a waste and which are worth your time and your money, so Circus Killer decided to check out the best apps there are and give you a brief rundown of what they do. Here are the current best 15 apps for the iPhone.

 

1. Letters with Buds – A classic board game that became a mobile app so you can play it with your friends and family but not have to speak with any of them.

2. Foot Meat – A hook-up app for people with foot fetishes.

3. ReadyRazor – Turns your phone into an electric razor.

4. RealSitter Pro – Makes your phone or tablet mimic a babysitter so you don’t have to hire a real one.

5. Motiv-8 – Motivates users into working out by showing what they’ll look like after 8 years of their current diet and exercise habits.

6. Kredit D-Struktor – A mobile game that automatically charges you 15 cents for every minute it’s on your phone.

7. Peanut Alarm – Primarily used for people with peanut allergies, this app produces a blaring, constant honking noise whenever the user is in the presence of peanuts.

8. Macy Place – Posts random pictures of William H. Macy ten times a day.

9. 4-Foot Vacancies – Identifies unpopulated areas in your vicinity in which a body could be buried quickly.

10. Bejeweled – The free game that was stolen by a company that cannot be named for copyright reasons and was rebranded into a horrible knockoff that became an overnight worldwide sensation but that also cannot be named for copyright reasons.

11. Brown Swipe – Tells users exactly how much to wipe after sending an image of their bowel movements.

12. Shoe Mobile – Makes realistic shoe noises when the user walks around with their phone taped to the bottom of their shoe.

13. Shoe Mobile Swift – Does the same thing as Shoe Mobile only no sound is produced.

14. Doomsday Counter – Counts down to the apocalypse (December 21st, 2012).

15. Zombie Detector – Locates other iPhone users in your immediate area.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.