technology

Most Online Dating Profiles Set Up By Ostriches Trying To Trick People Into Giving Them Bird Seed, Study Finds

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According to a recent study, nearly 80% of online dating profiles are set up and run by crafty, mischievous ostriches that are trying to trick normal people into giving them birdseed. The study shows that this has been going on for over four years now, and there doesn’t seem to be a way to stop it.

Many online daters across the country have spoken out about the issue after the study was released, saying they were too embarrassed to say anything before.

“I got matched with a man named Eduardo Phillips,” says frequent online dater and scarf enthusiast Hanna Borgen. “We chatted for a while and every so often he would ask me if I had any birdseed. I thought he was just being quirky and weird like every other guy who uses dating sites.”

Hanna later found out that she had been chatting with an ostrich the whole time, and that this ostrich was just using her to buy birdseed.

“He started asking if I would send him birdseed through the mail. Small packages at first, then larger ones. It got to a point where I was spending hundreds of dollars a month on birdseed and shipping, and I had no idea where it was all going.”

Hanna says that whenever she had doubts about the relationship, “Eduardo” would reassure her that he was a person just like her, and that sending him birdseed was the best way she could show her love towards him.

“I felt like I could trust him, like I could confide in him,” said Hanna. “I can see now that he was just an ostrich preying on my insecurities, but it felt so real at the time.”

Hanna isn’t alone. Nearly 400,000 Americans have reported similar experiences in the last four years. Authorities are not certain if it is a single ostrich behind all these fraud cases, or a league of ostriches working together.

The FBI has issued a warning for every online dater in the United States to be on the lookout for profiles that look suspiciously like they might have been created by ostriches.

“If someone you meet online starts asking you for birdseed, the best thing you can do is to cease communicating with them,” said an FBI spokesperson this morning. “We are doing everything we can to find the ostrich or ostriches responsible.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: Alternative Energy

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As technology progresses, scientists are continuously finding new ways to power our global civilization. As nations around the world race to be the first in alternative energy, third world countries like the United States remain obstinate against cleaner, cheaper fuel. For this week’s investigative piece, Circus Killer News reports on the negative side non-renewable energy, the negative side of alternative energy, and some of the more cutting-edge energy technologies that might become commonplace in the near future.

Of the non-renewable energy sources that America has used in the past, coal is certainly the most talked about. With President Trump’s promise to get coalmines up and running again, many of America’s whiter and more gullible citizens expect to have their skin stained and their lungs diseased just like the good ol’ days. What many Americans don’t understand, however, is that coalmining stopped because coal is a depleting resource.

“I used to use coal all the time, billions of pieces in one night,” says Kris Kringle, a reclusive toymaker who breaks into people’s homes. “Nowadays there’s just not enough coal left, so I just leave dead batteries for naughty children.”

Oil and natural gas are also popular non-renewable energy sources, but they’re not without their downsides, either. Oil spills can be fatal, costly, and anger Poseidon. Natural gas is highly volatile and is also the name of my cousin’s shitty contemporary rock band.

Considering all environmental, fiscal, and sexual downsides to fossil fuels, why haven’t more Americans made the switch to solar? Truthfully, solar power is not as great as people are led to believe. A home powered by solar energy, for example, cannot be powered at night. Solar energy also drains the sun; scientists believe that if the number of homes and buildings that use solar power remains the same, the sun will be completely used up by the year 2090.

Wind energy also has some worried, as there is evidence to suggest that harvesting the wind might disrupt natural ecosystems and create year-round hurricanes and tornadoes.

So are there any alternative energy sources out there that won’t destroy the environment, empty everyone’s wallets, or be used against mankind in the coming robot apocalypse? Some people across the planet have some pretty creative solutions.

Steve Wessner, from South Dakota, powers his house entirely by applause. Steve has hired a live studio audience to watch his every move, and every time his lights flicker, Steve does something to win over their approval. There’s a woman from Kentucky named Kathy Gergailles who has found a way to power her car with road rage; the angrier she gets, the farther she can travel. And a man from Boston named Blurben Flerbman who has rigged his phone to be powered solely by “dick pics.”

Any of those unorthodox sources of power could be the future of energy in America, but it’s just as likely that in the future there will be no singular uniform way with which Americans power their stuff. As of right now, the future of energy is as much of a mystery as the source of Blurben’s pictures.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

String Of Disappearances Possibly Related To New Dating App

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Recent evidence has linked a number of bizarre disappearances across the country with a new dating app called “IrthMate.” All of the disappearances have been young adult males, and it has been confirmed that all of them recently downloaded IrthMate and were using it shortly before their disappearance.

One of the men who disappeared was Chad Grevski, a 26-year-old temp from Saint Falls, Virginia. Grevski’s phone was left behind in his apartment, and the last few messages he sent and received through the app indicate that he was leaving to meet up with a woman he met on the app with the username, “NormalEarthGirl387.”

A man matching Grevski’s description was seen wandering into a dark alleyway not far from his apartment, which investigators claim was the agreed upon meet-up spot. Reports say that a bright cone of green light beamed down into the alleyway from unusually low clouds. One woman claims she saw Grevski floating up this beam of light before it dissipated.

“I was walking my dog when I saw the light coming down,” says eyewitness Jasmine Flynn. “I saw what looked like a man going up into the light, and then he was gone. I remember thinking how weird that was since people don’t usually float upwards into beams of light; I just assumed he was drunk.”

Brad Verbewski, another avid hook-up app user, claims that shortly after using IrthMate he was abducted by aliens, and that everyone who uses the app shares the same fate.

“I was messaging this chick on there, I think her name was ‘HumanWomanReal5583,’ and she said we should meet up,” says Brad. “I put on a sleeveless shirt and went to where she said she would be, and this light came down and I was taken up onto a ship. And I was like, ‘whoa, dude, this is not happening.’”

Brad claims that the app was set up by extraterrestrials, and that they’re abducting bros all around the country to solve a population crisis on their home planet.

“The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by these super hot alien space babes who all wanted to get with me. They said if we didn’t start bumpin’ immediately they were gonna vaporize the whole planet. I had no choice but to bang all these hot alien ladies, like hundreds of them, thousands. I must have been goin’ at it like a week.”

Brad was in fact reported missing for nearly a week, and he says he can provide evidence for his unusually graphic close encounter. He claims to have gotten an alien STD.

“There are these tiny tentacle looking things that started growing around my junk, and every day at exactly 10:26 in the morning, they do this thing that I can best describe as acid-sneezing. They itch and burn something awful… I don’t know what it’s called, but I had pretty much everything before gettin’ this.”

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Creative Ways To Recycle Old Technology

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Technology has become a large part of everyone’s lives, but with new technological breakthroughs happening almost everyday, the amount of techno-junk in our homes keeps piling up. Here are some creative ways to recycle some of your outdated devices.

 

1. With a little bit of tinkering you can turn any old appliance into a robot slave that can clean, cook, and vaporize intruders.

2. Beepers, pagers, and palm pilots are just catching on in Kyrgyzstan. You can sell them on eBay for a small fortune.

3. Pretty much any piece of old tech can be used to build a bomb. Also you’re now on a watch list just for reading that last sentence.

4. Store all your movies digitally so you can make a sexy bikini from your DVDs.

5. If you live in the US, you can donate your old smartphones, computers, tablets, and appliances to Immigration Services where they will be used as material for Trump’s border wall.

6. Throw your old cell phone into the ocean. All the creatures of the sea are delighted when humans bestow them with unwanted trash.

7. All your old cassettes can be used as tinder after we bomb ourselves back to the stone age.

8. A broken microwave can easily be converted into a heat-ray that you can use to take over a city.

9. You can use that old VCR of yours to store bread.

10. You can use that broken toaster of yours to store VHS tapes.

11. Use outdated computer parts to construct your first girlfriend you nerd.

12. Indiana Jones got it right; old, unused refrigerators can be repurposed as nuclear bomb shelters. Keep that in mind in 2018.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways To Extend Your Phone’s Battery Life

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The world of technology brings as many pains as it does pleasures. We all have experience being right in the middle of a text or an episode of a show or an important call telling us where to leave the ransom money when our phone shuts down from low battery, shutting down our lives as well. Check out these 12 tips on expanding the power of your phone’s battery to make sure your tech-enhanced life doesn’t stop.

 

1. The human body creates enough energy in one hour to power your phone for a lifetime. Remove one of your eyes so that you can stick a USB charger into your open eye socket.

2. Play mobile games while sitting on the toilet instead of everywhere all the time constantly.

3. Microwaving your phone for six minutes can give it enough energy for six hours.

4. Send your phone up into space and let it absorb the sun’s radiation. Your phone will charge fully as well as be imbued with super powers.

5. A virus on your mobile phone might always be running in the background, which drains battery life. To combat this, download a security program that will always be running in the background to check for viruses.

6. Replace your phone battery with a car battery.

7. Bury a human bone, a crow’s feather, and a picture of Robert Johnson at the center of a crossroads. Wait there until midnight and a demon will appear. You can sell the demon your phone’s soul in exchange for unlimited battery life.

8. Turn your brightness all the way down and just guess at what you’re typing.

9. Surgically implant an electric eel’s organs into your body so that you can produce your own electricity. Your phone will charge while you’re holding it.

10. Keep your phone in a freezer when you’re not using it. Your battery level will freeze at whatever percentage it was when you put it in.

11. Use your home computer to watch porn instead of watching it on your phone in the subway at full volume.

12. Free yourself from the shackles of a technologically intrusive society by casting your phone into the sea. The saltwater will preserve your phone’s battery life and you’ll get to live off the grid.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

10 Tips For Creating The Perfect Dating App Profile (Men)

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Mobile dating apps are becoming increasingly popular among the young, the attractive, and the serial killers. But creating a profile for a dating app that gets the right kind of attention can be tricky, especially if you’re a nerd or a loser. To make it easier, try following these simple steps to creating a successful profile for any dating app.

 

1. Most women are attracted to money. Give off a wealthy vibe by using rich-people words in your bio, such as “transaction,” “boat,” or “escrow.”

2. Don’t wear a shirt in your profile picture. Any man who isn’t allowed in most restaurants is boyfriend material; women know that.

3. Be confident. Don’t ask her if she wants to get a drink when you can tell her that she wants to get a drink.

4. Be sure to show off your tattoos in your profile photo. If you’re coming here for advice then whatever you have now is not enough, so use crayons or markers to enhance.

5. Post pictures of all the animals you killed recently to demonstrate that you know how to protect her.

6. Women like men who are direct, so make sure your profile lists all the sexual positions you’re comfortable with.

7. Nothing turns women on more than the music of John Philip Sousa, so mention somewhere that you’re a total sousaphile.

8. 53% of women voted for Trump in 2016, so if you praise the Great Orange God-King in your profile then about half the women you match with will tolerate being groped indiscriminately, which is probably why you downloaded this app in the first place.

9. Smart is the new sexy. Show off that you own a smart watch, drive a Smart cart, and drink SmartWater.

10. Don’t lose hope. Crafting a successful dating app profile is just like using a public bathroom in the dark; it takes a lot of time and a lot of guess work, but if done correctly it will eventually lead to you contracting an STD.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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Large Hadron Collider Still Unable to Find Billions it Would Need to Make a Profit

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Disappointment came after another unsuccessful week of searching for the billions of dollars it would take to turn a profit for CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, the biggest and most expensive particle accelerator ever constructed. The massive machine was built to search for theoretical particles that might help to explain the origin of the universe, as well as maybe some extra cash on the side to help put a dent in the massive bill it creates.

“The LHC cost about 6.4 billion US dollars for the initial construction,” said CERN spokesperson Valda Palkovski. “It costs about 1 billion dollars every year just to keep it running. Though it has produced some groundbreaking results, it’s still a shock to everyone at CERN that we haven’t found a single shred of monetary value.”

The LHC became fully operational in November of 2009 and since then has discovered things that only smart people understand, however there’s growing concern that something as valueless to Europe and the world as one US dollar has yet to be found in the miles-long research facility. To compensate, plans have been drafted to install small metal detectors to locate any change that the universe might have left leaving around.

“We’re still hopeful that some profit might come out of this project,” continued Palkovski. “It’s conceivable that if we power it up enough, we could tear the walls of our universe open and generate a passage to a parallel Earth that the US government could invade and plunder for oil, gold and other valuable objects. Until that day comes, we will continue trying.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Apple’s New ‘iFlush’ to Begin Shipping in May

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Apple fans across the country are waiting with anticipation for the company’s “iFlush,” to begin selling at the end of next month. The iFlush is the first ever smart toilet that can interface wirelessly through a user’s iPhone or iPad, as well as physically through a user’s butt.

“Once synchronizing the iFlush to any hand-held Apple device,” said Apple spokesperson Navika Vasgupti, “the user can control their iFlush anywhere, anytime. As you can see, not only can I flush remotely, but I can also heat the seat, dispense cleaning fluid and plunge any leftover waste that might be clogging the plumbing.”

The iFlush was delayed multiple times due to an issue with its “auto-plunge” feature that shot clogged waste back up at users while they were using the device. Vasgupti assured during the Apple press conference, however, that this issue was corrected.

“Apple has revolutionized the bathroom experience,” said Vasgupti, “by adding a series of new features that are unlike any toilet you’ve ever seen. For a small extra fee, anyone can download any hundred of additional apps that can turn your iFlush into a gaming system, news outlet or home theater. You’ll never have to leave your toilet again.”

“But that’s not all,” Vasgupti continued. “The iFlush can also be synced to the iCloud. This gives users the ability to store all of their bowel movements so that they can be viewed at any time or shared with a friend.”

The price of the iFlush has yet to be announced, but many tech journalists predict a smart toilet like the iFlush will be in almost every home within the next 10 years.

 

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

The 15 Best iPhone Apps

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The Apple App Store is filled with a vast assortment of useful and entertaining apps. It can be difficult to tell which of them are a waste and which are worth your time and your money, so Circus Killer decided to check out the best apps there are and give you a brief rundown of what they do. Here are the current best 15 apps for the iPhone.

 

1. Letters with Buds – A classic board game that became a mobile app so you can play it with your friends and family but not have to speak with any of them.

2. Foot Meat – A hook-up app for people with foot fetishes.

3. ReadyRazor – Turns your phone into an electric razor.

4. RealSitter Pro – Makes your phone or tablet mimic a babysitter so you don’t have to hire a real one.

5. Motiv-8 – Motivates users into working out by showing what they’ll look like after 8 years of their current diet and exercise habits.

6. Kredit D-Struktor – A mobile game that automatically charges you 15 cents for every minute it’s on your phone.

7. Peanut Alarm – Primarily used for people with peanut allergies, this app produces a blaring, constant honking noise whenever the user is in the presence of peanuts.

8. Macy Place – Posts random pictures of William H. Macy ten times a day.

9. 4-Foot Vacancies – Identifies unpopulated areas in your vicinity in which a body could be buried quickly.

10. Bejeweled – The free game that was stolen by a company that cannot be named for copyright reasons and was rebranded into a horrible knockoff that became an overnight worldwide sensation but that also cannot be named for copyright reasons.

11. Brown Swipe – Tells users exactly how much to wipe after sending an image of their bowel movements.

12. Shoe Mobile – Makes realistic shoe noises when the user walks around with their phone taped to the bottom of their shoe.

13. Shoe Mobile Swift – Does the same thing as Shoe Mobile only no sound is produced.

14. Doomsday Counter – Counts down to the apocalypse (December 21st, 2012).

15. Zombie Detector – Locates other iPhone users in your immediate area.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.