Month: March 2015

Celeb Watch #05 – Angelina Jolie; Zayn Malik; Trevor Noah

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Announces Plans to Transfer Mind into Robot Body

Actress Angelina Jolie announced this weekend that she plans on “freeing her mind from the fallible shackles of the human condition” by financing the construction of a robot body that she plans to live out of until the end of time. Jolie recently had a double mastectomy when it was discovered that she carried a gene that would make her susceptible to breast cancer, and announced shortly afterwards that she wanted to undergo an operation to remove her ovaries as well. The actress has apparently decided to take things one step further and simply pay a team of scientists to design and build a mechanized body that would be free from disease and decay, into which her mind and thoughts would be transferred so that she may continue to act and spread humanitarian kindness until the end of time.

 

2. “Directioners” Remove 20% of Limbs in Tribute to Departed Band Member

Fans of the boy band One Direction, who call themselves “Directioners,” have been distraught since last week when band member Zayn Malik announced he was leaving the group. With the band shrinking from five members to four, Directioners across the world have begun an internet campaign in which they post pictures and videos of them severing 20% of their own limbs as tribute to the band’s loss. Many Directioners have been hospitalized or even killed as a result of the campaign, while the rest have gathered to construct a new Zayn out of their disembodied limbs to help cope with the loss.

 

3. Comedy Central Tests Fans’ Advocacy of Racial Acceptance

Finally for this week, Comedy Central announced that comedian Trevor Noah will be replacing John Stewart as host of The Daily Show, reportedly in an effort to call the network’s white fans on their bluff of supporting racial equality. Many white fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report didn’t bat an eye when Larry Wilmore was appointed as host of The Nightly Show (which replaced The Colbert Report), however a number of white Comedy Central fans have made passively racist comments on Twitter that aren’t completely offensive but are certainly heading in that direction. Rumor has it that Comedy Central is looking to replace Daniel Tosh as host of his show Tosh.0 with someone like Kevin Hart to see if that will finally push the network’s white fans over the edge.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week for an exclusive interview with the parasite living inside Tara Reid.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Father Brings Wrong Glasses to Daughter’s Recital

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Area man Duncan Tolapin reportedly attended his daughter’s clarinet recital with his reading glasses instead of his concert glasses. Duncan was forced to compensate for his blurred vision using unconventional means.

At first Duncan had his wife describe what was taking place on stage.

“She’s just sitting there playing,” Duncan’s wife reportedly told her husband. “Her fingers are moving every time she plays a new note, that’s really all there is to see. Just listen.”

Duncan insisted that he had to see his daughter’s performance and not just listen, but his wife refused to help because all the talking they were doing was agitating the other parents sitting near them.

In the middle of the performance, Duncan began walking up and down the rows of seats to find a point at which his eyes would be able to see his daughter clearly. This angered other parents and Duncan was talked into returned to his seat. On the way back, Duncan began crawling up behind parents on his hands and knees to pickpocket glasses from other parents in hopes that someone would have his lens size. This also went fruitlessly.

Finally Duncan found a solution that bothered no one. Once he returned to his seat, Duncan found that he had been sitting five rows behind a parent who was holding her iPhone above her head to record the entire concert. Duncan was able to take out his own iPhone and zoom in on the other parent’s iPhone, giving a clear, close up image of his daughter.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mixed-Race Couple Relieved to No Longer Be Neighborhood’s Most Diverse Family

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Alan Browning, a Half-Chinese American, was relieved to see a Hispanic family move into his neighborhood last week, reports say. For four years Alan has been the most diverse person in his neighborhood, which he claims was a difficult burden to carry.

“It’s just the most annoying thing in the world,” said Alan. “I can’t go to a single neighborhood event without someone asking me how difficult it was to switch from Chinese to English. I’m from goddamn Tucson, I know more Spanish than Chinese.”

Alan moved into the neighborhood with his wife Elise four years ago, and she claims to have been under similar scrutiny.

“Everyone keeps asking me if he makes me cook Chinese food for him instead of getting takeout,” said Elise. “First of all, I don’t know how to cook. He does all the cooking and it’s usually Italian because Alan grew up in the only Italian neighborhood in Tucson on Tony Bennett Street, named after the road where the singer’s daughter Michelle was conceived.”

“And another thing,” said Alan, “just because I’m a Buddhist and my wife is Lutheran doesn’t mean we argue about the afterlife all the time. We both think our beliefs are a little ridiculous and are thankful that neither of us are Jewish, that’s all that matters.”

Alan and Elise greatly appreciate the Alvarez family coming in and taking their curios, naïve neighbors off of their hands for a little while, although the new neighbors have already started to become agitated.

“Why does everyone keep asking me to help fix their cars and give them gardening advice?” said Douglas Alvarez. “I didn’t even know those were stereotypes.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 30th, 2015

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Your weekly horoscope for March 30th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been letting your emotions fester for a while now. Just remember that the Cry Pillow doesn’t judge.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will be filled with new ideas early this week followed by one of your typical waves of crippling self-doubt later this week.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): A spark will ignite in your love life so make sure your smoke detectors are working.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I think there’s some mustard on your shirt. Also stop putting mustard on your bagels, you’re not 4.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know that really vivid dream you keep having about a tsunami decimating Los Angeles? Yeah, it doesn’t mean anything.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): No, you can’t get Ebola from nachos.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we deal with them that matters. And no one can think any less of you if you keep the abortion a secret.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You have become increasingly popular around the office. Looks like “accidentally” leaking your nudes was a good decision after all.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Later this week you will gain the ability to talk to animals. Surprisingly, this will make you want to be less of a vegetarian.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I hope you got your tetanus shot…

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I have no idea if “open carry” laws apply to swords, why would you be wondering something like that?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like you’ve been walking on the sunshine. You should really see a podiatrist, those blisters are definitely getting worse.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Drive Successfully (Part 2)

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My name is John Francais Callahan. I have enough money on hand right at this moment to buy your home, your wife and your reputation out from under you. Instead, I maintain this advice column on Circus Killer News and tell you how to live your life successfully so that someday when we cross paths and I must use your failed existence as a rung to ascend the ladder of excellence, I can do so knowing that I’ve beaten a worthy competitor.

Last week I began to discuss successful driving, however my temper got the better of me. I’m not ashamed to admit that because temper is a sign of power and because I was born without shame glands. In the last week, however, I was able to redirect that anger both constructively and sexually, so I am well enough to continue now.

 

3. Signaling. The purpose of signaling is to show other drivers what your next action will be. This is useless for the driving elite such as myself who can anticipate every driver’s actions a half mile before even they can. Most drivers will never possess this ability, however, so a leading cause of accidents is when a driver fails to use his or her turn signal and another driver fails to perceive the first driver’s intentions. Accidents like these are actually beneficial to the transportation system because it gets two failures off of the road for a little while.

 

4. Sharing the Road. I don’t share anything because it’s disrespectful to Ronald Reagan’s memory. Hogging the road is not only the best way to ensure that your flawless driving won’t be sabotaged by poor drivers, but it’s also a victory for capitalism in that for a brief moment you’re taking back the road from the leftist government that built it using your tax money without your consent.

I’ve attempted to purchase the right lane of dozens of highways so that I can drive like I do legally own the road, but every time I have been rejected. This doesn’t stop me from hogging the road away from other drivers and it shouldn’t stop you either. And don’t feel discouraged if you see a fellow driver refusing to yield part of the highway to you. He is challenging you – do not back down. Ram him off the road if you must, whatever it takes to show him and everyone else on the road that you are the most dominant driver in the immediate area.

 

This concludes the second part of successful driving.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways to Survive Without Healthcare

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Many Americans still don’t have access to healthcare,  chiefly because of Obama.  This has forced the majority of Americans to come up with their own solutions to common health-related issues.  Here are 12 of the most effective ways to stay alive and healthy without being on any health insurance plan.

 

1. Needles can actually go bad and can be expensive to replace.  Sharing with a friend can cut down on costs.

2. Stress can cause sickness,  so avoid stressful situations by not going to work.

3. Hospitals are always in need of organs,  so if you ever need surgery tell your operator that it’s fine to take a kidney or two as payment.

4. Don’t forget,  you can always sue your doctor for malpractice.

5. Chicken noodle soup is an excellent remedy for colds and the flu.  The broth helps to clean out your system,  the ingredients contain helpful vitamins and minerals and it helps you understand what to expect when you become old.

6. Call Michael Moore,  he might put you in his next movie.

7. Eastern medicine works as long as you’re willing to disregard reality.

8. Exercising,  eating healthy and making safe decisions like buckling your seat belt are all things that don’t prevent terminal illnesses.

9. There are open heart surgery tutorials you can check out on YouTube.

10. Medication can be really expensive so you can totally sell your prescription meds to help with the rent.

11. When you get sick,  be sure to drink plenty of liquids,  eat plenty of solids and inhale lots of gasses.

12. When all else fails,  turn to prayer.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Grown Man Struggles to Put On Coat Inside Car

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Salesman Arthur Donahue was the focal point of an emergency situation yesterday in Coldwater, Nebraska when he became trapped inside his car after entangling himself within his raincoat.

Arthur was parked in a Chick-fil-a parking lot where he had driven to get lunch. Arthur decided to put on his raincoat before exiting the vehicle to avoid getting wet.

“That’s really where he made his first mistake,” said first responder Officer Dale Gamble. “Well I mean really his first mistake was going to Chick-fil-a for lunch. Fast food’s bad for you. But the decision to exist the vehicle is ultimately what got him into this mess.”

Scattered witnesses reported seeing Arthur wobbling back and forth in his car with his arms contorted behind, around and over his body, but nobody thought Arthur was in any serious trouble. It was hours before someone recognized that the oaf needed assistance.

“I saw him there when I went for lunch,” said Peggy Mulroney, the woman who eventually called the authorities. “Then I returned to the restaurant for dinner and I remembered him from a few hours ago. He was screaming for help… I guess everyone thought he was toddler like all of the other people who scream from being in a car in a Chick-fil-a parking lot for over 30 minutes.”

Emergency services were called and Arthur was rescued when fireman managed to remove the driver’s side door. Arthur spent the night in the hospital but was released early this morning with no signs of permanent injury. Seth Rogan will probably star in a movie about him.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News from the Future #03

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Through our direct line of interdimensional communication with the future,  every Wednesday we bring you stories of random and unrelated news events that haven’t happened yet.  Here are this week’s stories:

 

1. June 13th, 2066 – Report: 60% of New Jersey Population Now Spray-Tan Grease Monsters

A recent survey of the population of New Jersey shows that 60% of all residents statewide have permanently morphed into toned, gelatinous grease monsters comprised of an unknown compound that forms after spray-tan chemicals, hoagies and creatine become situated in an organic being for too long. The grease beings have reportedly taken up residence along New Jersey’s beaches where they ritually lift weights, give each other tattoos and make big deals out of small disagreements over food and former sexual partners. Mostly the grease monsters just want to be left alone, however some occasionally leave the beaches in search of high paying corporate jobs for which they have no experience.

 

2. January 15th, 2022 – “Deep Fried” Now FDA Approved Food Group

Worldwide controversy erupted yesterday morning after the FDA made “deep fried” an official food group and declared fried foods an “integral and irreplaceable portion of the healthy American diet.” The FDA advises Americans to consume 15-26 servings of fried foods daily, deciding to incorporate the food pyramid as one half of a newly formed “food parallelogram.” The other half of this new shape is simply an equally large triangle labeled “deep fried.” Shockingly, the majority of American diets have remained the same despite the change, the only significant change in American lives was a nationally felt reduction in guilt.

 

3. November 4th, 3477 – Growing Number of Lunar Colonists Believe Humans Never Landed on Earth

A longtime conspiracy theory is finally gaining traction within the Lunar Cities as many Loony’s admit they don’t believe humans ever landed on the Earth. Many of them make the claim that all the photos, videos and broadcasts that allegedly originated from Earth have been doctored and that the entire history of humanity’s existence on the planet was fabricated to help win the Terra Scare between the now broken up Confederate of Orbital Satellites and the New Lunar Republic. These theorists also question why no Lunar City has attempted to get to Earth after the first few missions decades ago and that Scuzz Albright, a member of the first crew that allegedly returned to Earth after it was abandoned, is a puppet of the Vuvalrian brain parasite that attempted to enslave the human species on three separate occasions.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Woman Suspiciously Too Attractive to be Working at Burger King

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Numerous Burger King customers in Virginia were shocked upon seeing how attractive the newest cashier was at one of the chain’s local, medium sized restaurants.

“I really couldn’t believe it,” said frequent Burger King diner Wayne Portman. “I was pretty sure she was an actress on one of them hidden camera shows or something. But I’ve seen her here maybe eight times in the last two weeks so it’s gotta be legitimate.”

The cashier, Barbara Bealman, started working at Burger King to help pay her way through college since her parents decided to stop paying after an embarrassing alcohol-related incident.

“I’ve never had a job before but everyone is super nice,” said Barbara. “People keep tipping me and giving me their phone numbers… I thought that was just for real fancy restaurants.”

Barbara’s coworkers meanwhile have been trying to figure out what’s wrong with the new cashier.

“Everyone at Burger King’s got something wrong with them,” said Regina Florres, one of the chain’s drive-thru window operators. “Half of our fry cooks have chronic eczema and most of them have braces into their 30s. A lot of the janitors and cleaning staff often try to communicate with the animals they find running around the serving area. Hell, even our manager only works here because he’s on house arrest and lives in one of the trailers that you always see parked in the parking lot. But this new girl… I can’t find one thing wrong with her.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Celeb Watch #04 – David Hasselhoff; Patrick Warburton; Tom Cruise

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Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. David Hasselhoff Honored at 2016 Klu Klux Klan Banquet

David Hasselhoff was honored at the Klu Klux Klan’s annual award banquet on Sunday winning the title of “Best Aryan” for the twenty-third consecutive year in a row. Not surprisingly, the acclaimed actor of shows like Knight Rider and Baywatch did not show up at the Chick-fil-a in which the ceremony was held to receive his award, and in fact never has. Hasselhoff stated via Twitter that he has no idea why he is so highly praised in the white supremacist community, and kindly asks that members of the KKK stop leaving bouquet’s of crosses and small animal hides on his property.

 

2. Patrick Warburton’s Voice Charged with Murder

Patrick Warburton’s voice was charged with murder early this morning in what authorities are calling a “saddening display of an abuse of power.” First responders reported that the actor appeared to have used his voice to murder an ex-lover, however new and undisclosed evidence suggests that Warburton’s voice might have been acting alone. It’s possible that Warburton, Warburton’s voice and Warburton’s ex-lover were caught up in some sort of love triangle, however this is purely speculation. The actor and his voice have both been taken into custody.

 

3. Tom Cruise Running for President,  Nation’s Secondhand News Junkies Say

Tom Cruise announced his candidacy for US President in the upcoming 2016 election, according to many Americans who receive their news from gossiping coworkers. The actor apparently thought his experience climbing things and completing impossible missions is enough to make him a major contender as Head of State, thought thousands of Americans after they heard it from a friend. Most of those who actually thought this was true would have welcomed Tom Cruise as the next president, reportedly thinking that a scientologist in the White House would be an accurate representation of the conspiracy theorist nut-jobs who make up the majority of the American public.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week where we’ll reveal which Hollywood actresses are secretly Kabbalah demons.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.