Celeb Watch #05 – Angelina Jolie; Zayn Malik; Trevor Noah

Welcome back to  “Celeb Watch,”  the most accurate and intelligent celebrity gossip column on the internet  (please ignore that oxymoron).  Here are the three most shocking and relevant news stories happening in the world of celebs this week:

 

1. Angelina Jolie Announces Plans to Transfer Mind into Robot Body

Actress Angelina Jolie announced this weekend that she plans on “freeing her mind from the fallible shackles of the human condition” by financing the construction of a robot body that she plans to live out of until the end of time. Jolie recently had a double mastectomy when it was discovered that she carried a gene that would make her susceptible to breast cancer, and announced shortly afterwards that she wanted to undergo an operation to remove her ovaries as well. The actress has apparently decided to take things one step further and simply pay a team of scientists to design and build a mechanized body that would be free from disease and decay, into which her mind and thoughts would be transferred so that she may continue to act and spread humanitarian kindness until the end of time.

 

2. “Directioners” Remove 20% of Limbs in Tribute to Departed Band Member

Fans of the boy band One Direction, who call themselves “Directioners,” have been distraught since last week when band member Zayn Malik announced he was leaving the group. With the band shrinking from five members to four, Directioners across the world have begun an internet campaign in which they post pictures and videos of them severing 20% of their own limbs as tribute to the band’s loss. Many Directioners have been hospitalized or even killed as a result of the campaign, while the rest have gathered to construct a new Zayn out of their disembodied limbs to help cope with the loss.

 

3. Comedy Central Tests Fans’ Advocacy of Racial Acceptance

Finally for this week, Comedy Central announced that comedian Trevor Noah will be replacing John Stewart as host of The Daily Show, reportedly in an effort to call the network’s white fans on their bluff of supporting racial equality. Many white fans of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report didn’t bat an eye when Larry Wilmore was appointed as host of The Nightly Show (which replaced The Colbert Report), however a number of white Comedy Central fans have made passively racist comments on Twitter that aren’t completely offensive but are certainly heading in that direction. Rumor has it that Comedy Central is looking to replace Daniel Tosh as host of his show Tosh.0 with someone like Kevin Hart to see if that will finally push the network’s white fans over the edge.

 

That’s it for this week’s  “Celeb Watch.”  Tune in next week for an exclusive interview with the parasite living inside Tara Reid.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Research by Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren
Written by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Father Brings Wrong Glasses to Daughter’s Recital

Area man Duncan Tolapin reportedly attended his daughter’s clarinet recital with his reading glasses instead of his concert glasses. Duncan was forced to compensate for his blurred vision using unconventional means.

At first Duncan had his wife describe what was taking place on stage.

“She’s just sitting there playing,” Duncan’s wife reportedly told her husband. “Her fingers are moving every time she plays a new note, that’s really all there is to see. Just listen.”

Duncan insisted that he had to see his daughter’s performance and not just listen, but his wife refused to help because all the talking they were doing was agitating the other parents sitting near them.

In the middle of the performance, Duncan began walking up and down the rows of seats to find a point at which his eyes would be able to see his daughter clearly. This angered other parents and Duncan was talked into returned to his seat. On the way back, Duncan began crawling up behind parents on his hands and knees to pickpocket glasses from other parents in hopes that someone would have his lens size. This also went fruitlessly.

Finally Duncan found a solution that bothered no one. Once he returned to his seat, Duncan found that he had been sitting five rows behind a parent who was holding her iPhone above her head to record the entire concert. Duncan was able to take out his own iPhone and zoom in on the other parent’s iPhone, giving a clear, close up image of his daughter.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Mixed-Race Couple Relieved to No Longer Be Neighborhood’s Most Diverse Family

Alan Browning, a Half-Chinese American, was relieved to see a Hispanic family move into his neighborhood last week, reports say. For four years Alan has been the most diverse person in his neighborhood, which he claims was a difficult burden to carry.

“It’s just the most annoying thing in the world,” said Alan. “I can’t go to a single neighborhood event without someone asking me how difficult it was to switch from Chinese to English. I’m from goddamn Tucson, I know more Spanish than Chinese.”

Alan moved into the neighborhood with his wife Elise four years ago, and she claims to have been under similar scrutiny.

“Everyone keeps asking me if he makes me cook Chinese food for him instead of getting takeout,” said Elise. “First of all, I don’t know how to cook. He does all the cooking and it’s usually Italian because Alan grew up in the only Italian neighborhood in Tucson on Tony Bennett Street, named after the road where the singer’s daughter Michelle was conceived.”

“And another thing,” said Alan, “just because I’m a Buddhist and my wife is Lutheran doesn’t mean we argue about the afterlife all the time. We both think our beliefs are a little ridiculous and are thankful that neither of us are Jewish, that’s all that matters.”

Alan and Elise greatly appreciate the Alvarez family coming in and taking their curios, naïve neighbors off of their hands for a little while, although the new neighbors have already started to become agitated.

“Why does everyone keep asking me to help fix their cars and give them gardening advice?” said Douglas Alvarez. “I didn’t even know those were stereotypes.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of March 30th, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for March 30th, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been letting your emotions fester for a while now. Just remember that the Cry Pillow doesn’t judge.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will be filled with new ideas early this week followed by one of your typical waves of crippling self-doubt later this week.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): A spark will ignite in your love life so make sure your smoke detectors are working.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I think there’s some mustard on your shirt. Also stop putting mustard on your bagels, you’re not 4.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know that really vivid dream you keep having about a tsunami decimating Los Angeles? Yeah, it doesn’t mean anything.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): No, you can’t get Ebola from nachos.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we deal with them that matters. And no one can think any less of you if you keep the abortion a secret.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You have become increasingly popular around the office. Looks like “accidentally” leaking your nudes was a good decision after all.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Later this week you will gain the ability to talk to animals. Surprisingly, this will make you want to be less of a vegetarian.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I hope you got your tetanus shot…

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I have no idea if “open carry” laws apply to swords, why would you be wondering something like that?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like you’ve been walking on the sunshine. You should really see a podiatrist, those blisters are definitely getting worse.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Edited by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

How to Drive Successfully (Part 2)

My name is John Francais Callahan. I have enough money on hand right at this moment to buy your home, your wife and your reputation out from under you. Instead, I maintain this advice column on Circus Killer News and tell you how to live your life successfully so that someday when we cross paths and I must use your failed existence as a rung to ascend the ladder of excellence, I can do so knowing that I’ve beaten a worthy competitor.

Last week I began to discuss successful driving, however my temper got the better of me. I’m not ashamed to admit that because temper is a sign of power and because I was born without shame glands. In the last week, however, I was able to redirect that anger both constructively and sexually, so I am well enough to continue now.

 

3. Signaling. The purpose of signaling is to show other drivers what your next action will be. This is useless for the driving elite such as myself who can anticipate every driver’s actions a half mile before even they can. Most drivers will never possess this ability, however, so a leading cause of accidents is when a driver fails to use his or her turn signal and another driver fails to perceive the first driver’s intentions. Accidents like these are actually beneficial to the transportation system because it gets two failures off of the road for a little while.

 

4. Sharing the Road. I don’t share anything because it’s disrespectful to Ronald Reagan’s memory. Hogging the road is not only the best way to ensure that your flawless driving won’t be sabotaged by poor drivers, but it’s also a victory for capitalism in that for a brief moment you’re taking back the road from the leftist government that built it using your tax money without your consent.

I’ve attempted to purchase the right lane of dozens of highways so that I can drive like I do legally own the road, but every time I have been rejected. This doesn’t stop me from hogging the road away from other drivers and it shouldn’t stop you either. And don’t feel discouraged if you see a fellow driver refusing to yield part of the highway to you. He is challenging you – do not back down. Ram him off the road if you must, whatever it takes to show him and everyone else on the road that you are the most dominant driver in the immediate area.

 

This concludes the second part of successful driving.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By John Francais Callahan: @TheJohnCallahan

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Ways to Survive Without Healthcare

Many Americans still don’t have access to healthcare,  chiefly because of Obama.  This has forced the majority of Americans to come up with their own solutions to common health-related issues.  Here are 12 of the most effective ways to stay alive and healthy without being on any health insurance plan.

 

1. Needles can actually go bad and can be expensive to replace.  Sharing with a friend can cut down on costs.

2. Stress can cause sickness,  so avoid stressful situations by not going to work.

3. Hospitals are always in need of organs,  so if you ever need surgery tell your operator that it’s fine to take a kidney or two as payment.

4. Don’t forget,  you can always sue your doctor for malpractice.

5. Chicken noodle soup is an excellent remedy for colds and the flu.  The broth helps to clean out your system,  the ingredients contain helpful vitamins and minerals and it helps you understand what to expect when you become old.

6. Call Michael Moore,  he might put you in his next movie.

7. Eastern medicine works as long as you’re willing to disregard reality.

8. Exercising,  eating healthy and making safe decisions like buckling your seat belt are all things that don’t prevent terminal illnesses.

9. There are open heart surgery tutorials you can check out on YouTube.

10. Medication can be really expensive so you can totally sell your prescription meds to help with the rent.

11. When you get sick,  be sure to drink plenty of liquids,  eat plenty of solids and inhale lots of gasses.

12. When all else fails,  turn to prayer.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Killer Advice #09 – How Do I Talk to my Son About Drugs and Alcohol?

Happy Thursday! My name is Brittany von Beuren and Im glad to be back to answer your tough life questions for another week!

This weeks questin comes from my fan Maureen Denningham. She says…

 

Question: Dear Brittany, I’m growing more and more afraid that my eldest son might be experimenting with drugs and alcohol. He’s become a lot more closed off and I can smell what I think is marijuana in his bedroom. I’m worried about what this will do to our family because I’m afraid he’s going to start butting heads with his father who’s a police officer and very much against this sort of behavior. How do I approach my son about the dangers of substance abuse and try to maintain equilibrium in the household?

 

Answer: Thank you for writing in Maureen but I gotta say I side with your son on this one. I think your beeing a total bitch and you need to layoff.

First of all so what if hes smoking the reefer?? Marawana is like the least harmfull drung on there. Hes not using needles so he cant get autism, hes not takin pills so he cant get sexually assalted, and hes not using hallucinagens so he cant accidently marry a dog. But that bean said, any of those ar fine in moderation. Its ok to make those mistakes, its part of growin up. Heel be fine aslong as he learns from it and finds a good animal divorse lawyer.

And its fine for father and son to be buttheads aslong as it doesnt interfear with being YOU. You sound like the tipe of person who never leaves the house, neve goes outside or never gives a blowjob to get out of a speeding ticket. Expand your verizons…maybe even start smoking wit your son so you can bond together. The only time my mom was actualy bareable was when she was high so maybe try that too. Maybe let him drink at breakfest with you instead of scolding him.

 

Anyway thanks for writing in Maureen! To you other ladies out there, make sure you ask me your questions in the comments of this or on my Twitter. Who knows… maybe Ill pick you! 🙂 ❤

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Brittany von Beuren: @BrittyBeuren

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.