Your weekly horoscope for March 30th, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been letting your emotions fester for a while now. Just remember that the Cry Pillow doesn’t judge.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You will be filled with new ideas early this week followed by one of your typical waves of crippling self-doubt later this week.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): A spark will ignite in your love life so make sure your smoke detectors are working.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): I think there’s some mustard on your shirt. Also stop putting mustard on your bagels, you’re not 4.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know that really vivid dream you keep having about a tsunami decimating Los Angeles? Yeah, it doesn’t mean anything.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): No, you can’t get Ebola from nachos.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Everyone makes mistakes, it’s how we deal with them that matters. And no one can think any less of you if you keep the abortion a secret.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You have become increasingly popular around the office. Looks like “accidentally” leaking your nudes was a good decision after all.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Later this week you will gain the ability to talk to animals. Surprisingly, this will make you want to be less of a vegetarian.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I hope you got your tetanus shot…
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I have no idea if “open carry” laws apply to swords, why would you be wondering something like that?
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Lately it feels like you’ve been walking on the sunshine. You should really see a podiatrist, those blisters are definitely getting worse.
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.