SPECIAL REPORT: Santa Claus

For many Americans, Christmas is a joyous time filled with merriment, warm tidings, and credit card debt. Every year, millions of Americans gather to spend time with their families, exchange gifts, and engage in an assortment of ritualistic cult activities. But there’s a yearly terror that rears its chubby, bearded head every Christmas season, and the name of that terror is Santa Claus.

There are many conflicting reports on who Santa Claus is, and what his motives are. He’s known by many different names – Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Father Christmas, Johnny Redcoat, Solstice Saul, The Winter Pimp, and Lap Daddy to name a few. Experts believe that having multiple identities makes it easier for Santa to cross national borders and achieve his sick goal of breaking into as many children’s homes as he possibly can.

“The truth is, we still don’t know why he does it,” said Special Agent Doug Wholfstetder who leads the FBI investigation that seeks to arrest this red-robed menace. “Sometimes he’ll try to bribe children with gifts, sometimes he’ll just eat their snacks. Whatever the reason, it needs to stop.”

Because there are many different conflicting stories about Santa’s habits and practices, the FBI is focusing on the similarities. One of those similarities is that Santa exploits slave labor as an industrialist operating out of the North Pole.

“There are virtually no regulations in the North Pole,” said Agent Wholfstetder, “which means he can do anything he wants up there. Slave labor laws don’t apply, child labor laws don’t apply, EPA regulations don’t apply. There’s some pretty strong evidence that the melting of the polar ice caps is due primarily to the exhaust of his massive arctic factory that we still can’t get into.”

Every year, thousands of Americans report seeing Santa Claus during the Christmas season. Several eyewitnesses have spotted the man at shopping malls, beckoning young children to sit on him so he can take pictures of them. What’s worse is that the authorities don’t appear to be doing anything about it.

“I come to the mall with my six-year-old every weekend to look for a husband and to expose my child to a variety of diseases so that he’ll be immune to the super bug that will wipe us out,” said Delaware mother Laura Correa. “Every time I’m there I fear for my child’s safety because security just lets these old creeps set up their Christmas traps in the middle of the mall. Maybe if mall security wasn’t so busy rejecting my advances then they would do something about it.”

So what can ordinary citizens do to avoid this mystical monster of a man? Agent Whofstetder has some tips.

“We know that he likes to get in through people’s chimneys. If you live in a home with a chimney, you’re going to want to plug it up immediately. Santa only breaks into homes with young children, so if you have any children in your home then you should set up a trap for him by leaving out milk and cookies laced with poison.”

If you have any information on the whereabouts of Santa Claus, or if you think you know his true identity, you are urged to contact the authorities immediately.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Trump’s Immigration Policy Could Keep Santa Out Of US in 2017

President-elect Donald Trump took heat today when it was announced that, if enacted, his immigration policies would forbid Santa Claus from visiting the United States and delivering presents next Christmas.

“America first means North Pole second,” said Trump to a picture of himself this morning and then later to a group of reporters clustered outside of Trump Tower. “All our jobs are leaving this country, if you look at what’s happening, they’re going to China, they’re going to Mexico, they’re going to the North Pole. Obama has been sending these jobs away and they’re not coming back, folks. I’m going to bring them back.”

This statement has sparked outrage with parents across the country who rely on Father Christmas to provide the plastic, electronic shit that children need as a substitute to actual parenting.

“I don’t have time to go shopping for Christmas presents,” says Wanda Kirkmand, a single mother of three, “and I can barely scrape up enough money each year, too. Without help from Santa Claus I can’t guarantee my son will get the new desktop computer he demands every year.”

Santa Claus will be kept out of the United States with a ceiling Trump hopes to build over US airspace. The ceiling will attach to the top of the prospective US-Mexico border wall and then just slope down over the rest of the country.

“[Santa Claus] enters this country illegally every year,” continued Trump, “and we have to put an end to it. We’re gonna be winning the war on Christmas, believe me.”

When asked to comment on the matter, Saint Nick himself laughed off the scandal.

“I haven’t been to the United States in years,” said Mr. Claus. “There hasn’t been a nice child in America since the invention of color television.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Jesus Saddened by Lack of Attendance at Birthday Party

Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of all mankind, found Himself in a state of melancholy today when none of His friends showed up for his birthday party this Christmas morning.  The Son of God invited all 2,316,077,413 Christians to the kingdom of Heaven for his birthday bash, but none made the decision to leave Earth.

The Lord Christ reportedly gave the Christian populace an ample 2,000 years to make time for his party but few actually sent in an RSVP.  Many Christians instead selfishly spent this day with their families.

Additionally, Jesus witnessed the majority of Earth’s Christians using their time today to visit church.  Christ found Himself insulted by this since a large percentage of those Christians haven’t attended church any other day this year.

Christ was forced to spend His birthday with friends of His that He’s seen every day since the beginning of eternity.  Among them are Moses who it’s impossible to order food for, Ronald Reagan whose failsafe conversation topic is bodybuilding which Christ finds super annoying, and Grilligop Zorgak of the Malitraxis System whose Fardopsis feelers are just too difficult to look at on some days.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Completely Forgot About Christmas Until Just Today

Alan Winter of Santa Carlo, California, is currently having the most comically stressful day of his life as he rushes to ready his home for Christmas. Reportedly, Alan completely forgot about the holiday until just today.

Alan works for an important and generic corporation and is up for a promotion for his dream job, but this means putting in some extra time at the office and neglecting his personal life. It was for this reason that Alan’s longtime girlfriend Mary moved out last month.

Alan missed a phone call from Mary last week because he was preoccupied doing important business things. He remembered to check his voicemail this morning and found that Mary had left a message saying that if Alan were to get his life together by the time she and her family were to visit Alan’s home on Christmas Eve, there was a chance that they could stay together. It was at this moment that Alan realized he had completely forgotten about the holiday.

Alan has been spending the day driving around Santa Carlo looking for Christmas things while trying to conduct his business stuff over the phone. Alan has been stuck with purchasing the crappiest tree, the worst presents, the worst food for Christmas dinner, as well as an assortment of other cliché Christmas catastrophes.

As the day goes on, it is growing increasingly clear to Alan that by the end of the day he will have to make a decision between his loved ones and his career. Can Alan learn the true meaning of Christmas in time for the holiday? Find out when “I Forgot Christmas” hits theaters.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man Severs Own Arm to Escape Carolers

Connecticut native Sherman Wabash was admitted into an emergency room late last night after having his arm severed. Wabash gained consciousness this morning to report that he had maimed himself in an effort to elude some Christmas carolers that had been harassing him.

According to Wabash, the carolers gathered on the distraught man’s front lawn yesterday evening and began inundating his home with festive music. Fueled by frustration, eggnog and the stress of a particularly difficult Monday, Wabash made the decision to open his front door and yell at the carolers. As he crossed his house, however, Wabash tripped and fell on the ground, knocking a bookcase over in the process. The bookcase crushed his arm, pinning him to the ground.

Wabash yelled at the carolers for help but none could hear him over the yuletide cheer. Everyone knows, of course, that according to caroler dogma, once gathering on a lawn and beginning to sing, no caroler can cease singing under penalty of death. Wabash was therefore forced to listen to the music for “what felt like days,” according to the now crippled corporate consultant.

After 127 minutes, Wabash made the decision to use a quarter to saw through his upper arm so he could stand and chase the carolers off of his property. He performed the gruesome task and stumbled out of his front door only to pass out in a nearby snow bank. Fortunately the cold preserved his injury and surgeons were able to attach a cup holder in its place.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Dry Humping Under Mistletoe Becomes Newest Teen Fad

Teens across America have been taking the Christmas mistletoe tradition and making it their own with a new “mistletwerk” craze that has recently exploded on social media. Teenagers have been planning and attending house parties decorated with the plant so they can meet under it and grind each other’s pelvises together.

The fad started after a picture of the act went viral on Twitter last Friday night. The image is too graphic to show on legitimate news sites like this one, but it depicts a “twerking” session between a teenage male and female as the male holds mistletoe above the female’s head. The text accompanying the tweet reads “hos goin crazy for dat #mistletwerk.” Since then, #mistletwerk has been trending on Twitter alongside a series of similar images.

In response to the sudden uptick of mistletoe demand in the teen market, marijuana advocates who grow and sell cannabis illegally have begun cultivating the holiday plant to make some extra money for the holidays.

This illegally grown mistletoe is being traded and distributed nationwide throughout the teen community without being regulated, which authorities say is dangerous and irresponsible since much of it is being cut with lesser festive plants such as laurels and evergreen.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Reasons to Hate Christmas

Last week we looked at some reasons why we should all enjoy the Christmas season, but in the last seven days Circus Killer feels as though Christmas has turned on us. Here some reasons to hate the season:

 

1. Lying to young children is mandatory.

2. Getting guilted into attending church.

3. All shopping malls are converted into refugee camps.

4. Last three paychecks all go to purchasing gift cards.

5. Not knowing what greeting to use for ethnically confusing coworkers.

6. Niceness.

7. Ogling at decorations is a leading cause of suburban car accidents.

8. Awkward annual phone call with relative whose name you don’t quite remember.

9. Disney’s massive erection.

10. Candy canes are a heartless jape at the geriatric.

11. Incessant playing of hackneyed jingles that were used by the CIA to torture suspected terrorists.

12. Lasts 30 days.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.