The CDC announced during a press conference today that holiday cheer is spreading at an alarming rate. CDC workers are concerned that they may not be able to contain the spread of seasonal merriment until the end of the year.
“This is a serious situation that has the CDC’s full attention,” said CDC spokeswoman Farah Landy. “We are putting as much effort as we can into stopping this thing from spreading further.”
The first case of holiday cheer to appear in the US was recorded on October 12th when a Rite Aid outside of Milwaukee began selling Christmas decorations. The number of cases across the country steadily increased before exploding shortly after Thanksgiving.
In an effort to reduce the spread of the outbreak, the CDC has set up multiple de-jubilation zones in the 37 most heavily infected areas of the country. Patients admitted into these zones must complete a series of boring tasks before being officially cleared of all merriment. These tasks include filling out fake tax forms, reading all of the terms and conditions for an iTunes update, and actually going to church.
Additionally, homes and properties covered in Christmas decorations have been quarantined and are undergoing a cleansing process. Early reports, however, show that the holiday cheer is spreading at a rate that the CDC can’t keep up with.
The CDC is also urging people not to travel until the outbreak is under control. “It is imperative that you remain in your home and only leave when absolutely necessary,” Landy continued. “Anyone seen outside of their home promoting peace on Earth and goodwill towards all will be considered a threat to the public.”
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.