Area Woman Knows This Likely Last Year She Can Get Flu Shot

With healthcare uncertainty around the horizon millions of Americans could soon find themselves uninsured. Vaccinations, booster shots and prescription medications could soon become luxury items.

Some Americans, like Aditya Bhurin of Virginia Falls, Kentucky, are trying to find a bit of light in the coming darkness. Aditya says she’s “making the best” of what might be the last flu shot of her life.

“There’s no reason I can’t make this fun,” said Aditya. “I mean, I know it’s hard to make fun out of anything with needles, unless you’re either in 1970’s New York or a modern day Ivy League school, but I want to make this memorable.”

Aditya entered her local Rite Aid with a GoPro strapped to her head to document the experience for future generations. Other Rite Aid customers noted Aditya’s confidence as she marched to the pharmacy in the back.

“You never see that anymore,” said one customer. “I do all my shopping here ever since being banned from Eckerd for a sex thing, but even there no one’s ever excited to get poked with something.”

Aditya took commemorative selfies with every pharmacist, all of whom were simply relieved to get a brief respite from dealing with downers only here to fill anti-depression prescriptions.

“I’ve injected a lot of things into a lot of people,” said pharmacist David Koh, “but never have I had a patient so thrilled to get deceased microbes administered into their left arm.”

Aditya reportedly convinced a pharmacist to inject her with multiple flu shots for multiple different strains in the hope that this would fend off ailments in the medicine-absent future that America is heading towards.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Nihilist’s New Tattoo Not Representative of Anything

Reggie Hawker, a 28-year-old drug store cashier and recently self-proclaimed “nihilist” just got his newest tattoo of a serpent with an assault rifle finished, however Reggie claims that his beliefs forbid him from acknowledging the tattoo as representative of anything.

“The truth is, and no one will tell you this because everyone else is blind,” said Reggie, “everything in this world is meaningless. We’re just shadows on the ever changing reflecting pool of existence, drifting through the echoes of blackness and infinity. Everything we do comes from the void, so everything we do becomes void in itself.”

Reggie has many other tattoos from his youth but every one of them meant something to him when he received them. The image on his bicep of a flaming cross impaling the planet with the text “vini, vidi, vici,” for example, was supposed to represent global religious imperialism and expose the agenda behind organized religion. Reggie’s tattoo of a sad clown stabbing the American flag while Spider-Man watches with an erection, meanwhile, was originally representative of Reggie’s father.

Since declaring himself a nihilist, however, Reggie has stopped trying to express himself and has instead decided to make all of his decisions based on nothing. This latest tattoo is a result of that way of thinking.

“I’m telling you, it doesn’t mean anything, man,” Reggie continued, “because nothing does. All my ink from now on I’ll get for no reason at all because that’s the only reason that matters. You know why I got this serpent with the guns right here? Neither do I. Because that’s life, man. Get used to it. Now, do you have your Rite Aid Wellness rewards card?”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

CDC Worried About Spread of Holiday Cheer

The CDC announced during a press conference today that holiday cheer is spreading at an alarming rate. CDC workers are concerned that they may not be able to contain the spread of seasonal merriment until the end of the year.

“This is a serious situation that has the CDC’s full attention,” said CDC spokeswoman Farah Landy. “We are putting as much effort as we can into stopping this thing from spreading further.”

The first case of holiday cheer to appear in the US was recorded on October 12th when a Rite Aid outside of Milwaukee began selling Christmas decorations. The number of cases across the country steadily increased before exploding shortly after Thanksgiving.

In an effort to reduce the spread of the outbreak, the CDC has set up multiple de-jubilation zones in the 37 most heavily infected areas of the country. Patients admitted into these zones must complete a series of boring tasks before being officially cleared of all merriment. These tasks include filling out fake tax forms, reading all of the terms and conditions for an iTunes update, and actually going to church.

Additionally, homes and properties covered in Christmas decorations have been quarantined and are undergoing a cleansing process. Early reports, however, show that the holiday cheer is spreading at a rate that the CDC can’t keep up with.

The CDC is also urging people not to travel until the outbreak is under control. “It is imperative that you remain in your home and only leave when absolutely necessary,” Landy continued. “Anyone seen outside of their home promoting peace on Earth and goodwill towards all will be considered a threat to the public.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
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By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Rite Aid Announces New Sales Plan to “Just Give Shit Away”

Rite Aid CEO Gary Badgett announced his bold new sales plan this morning to start giving out everything in his stores for free.

“The truth is,” said Badgett in a press conference, “we don’t want any of this shit and I’m sick of looking at it. Do you really think any of us at Rite Aid need those plastic beach buckets in the mesh nets that we keep in between the sandals and the non-electric toothbrushes? Of course not, it’s the middle of November. So just take the damn stuff.”

Badgett claims he’s been trying to get rid of everything in his pharmacies for several years now, but for some reason people just aren’t taking the bait.

“I was in one of my stores the other day,” Badgett continued, “and saw a book section. Literally a book section. The aisle was labeled ‘historical fiction.’ Things wouldn’t have gotten this way if you people just took my advice from the beginning and cleaned this place out.”

Despite Badgett’s plea, many Rite Aid customers refuse to have any part in the deal. When offered the chance to leave the store without paying for their items, most shrugged off the opportunity, saying, “no thanks, I don’t come here that often anyway.”

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd | Ask.fm
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.