Your weekly horoscope for August 31st, 2015.
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Life gives you the tools, you’re the one who has to use them. That’s why gun control is a farce.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Except when it’s raining. Or when it’s overcast. Or nighttime. Actually fuck it, forget clouds, they’re assholes.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I mean, I’d say it’s herpes but I’m not a doctor.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Yes, I’m excited about Hillary too, but posting about her every 5 goddamn minutes is a little too much, okay?
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I’m sensing that you’re in a lot of spiritual distress. Take some Pepto-Bismol.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Only a stupid man would marry you just for your looks and not your personality. Fortunately all men are stupid so just exercise a little and you’ll be fine.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There’s nothing the stars can help you with that your good friends Ben & Jerry can’t fix.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Try to understand another person’s perspective before you judge them. Well, except Hitler. You can totally judge Hitler.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Things are looking up for the first time in months! Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s “throwing up.” The stars say, “things are throwing up for the first time in months.” Weird, huh? Hmm… maybe don’t check out that Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant that just opened up.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Own your life and good things will come. Lease your life and you’ll turn a pretty nice profit.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): If someone is offering to wipe away your credit card debt then they are lying to you. I don’t care who they are or how much you trust them. It’s a scam.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Relax, honey! Being “barren” isn’t that bad. After all, you’ll never be able to birth the anti-Christ, right?
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.