Your weekly horoscope for August 31st, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Life gives you the tools, you’re the one who has to use them. That’s why gun control is a farce.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Except when it’s raining. Or when it’s overcast. Or nighttime. Actually fuck it, forget clouds, they’re assholes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I mean, I’d say it’s herpes but I’m not a doctor.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Yes, I’m excited about Hillary too, but posting about her every 5 goddamn minutes is a little too much, okay?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I’m sensing that you’re in a lot of spiritual distress. Take some Pepto-Bismol.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Only a stupid man would marry you just for your looks and not your personality. Fortunately all men are stupid so just exercise a little and you’ll be fine.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There’s nothing the stars can help you with that your good friends Ben & Jerry can’t fix.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Try to understand another person’s perspective before you judge them. Well, except Hitler. You can totally judge Hitler.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Things are looking up for the first time in months! Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s “throwing up.” The stars say, “things are throwing up for the first time in months.” Weird, huh? Hmm… maybe don’t check out that Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant that just opened up.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Own your life and good things will come. Lease your life and you’ll turn a pretty nice profit.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): If someone is offering to wipe away your credit card debt then they are lying to you. I don’t care who they are or how much you trust them. It’s a scam.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Relax, honey! Being “barren” isn’t that bad. After all, you’ll never be able to birth the anti-Christ, right?

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Your weekly horoscope for August 3rd, 2015.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Plan to do something spontaneous this week.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t be discouraged by the failures of today, be discouraged by the failures of tomorrow.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You will experience some turmoil in the workplace this week. In fact, if I’m reading this right, terrorists are going to take your entire building hostage. So bring a snack or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Stop bringing up Hitler in every argument.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Yes, time heals all wounds. But cocaine can make you invincible!

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): True success is not measured by wealth, it’s measured by the size of your breasts.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): How many cats is it going to take for you to accept that it’s over?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Well no one thought Einstein was pretty, either. And he went on to invent the light bulb or something.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You have something in your teeth.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Friends are so hard to come by these days, but there’s an app for that.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Relax, dammit! Everything’s going to be fine, we just need a sharp saw, some trash bags and a lot of cleaning fluid.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Love has a way of hitting you out of nowhere. And when he does, call the police immediately.

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.