Horoscope: Week of August 31st, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for August 31st, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Life gives you the tools, you’re the one who has to use them. That’s why gun control is a farce.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Every dark cloud has a silver lining. Except when it’s raining. Or when it’s overcast. Or nighttime. Actually fuck it, forget clouds, they’re assholes.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): I mean, I’d say it’s herpes but I’m not a doctor.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Yes, I’m excited about Hillary too, but posting about her every 5 goddamn minutes is a little too much, okay?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I’m sensing that you’re in a lot of spiritual distress. Take some Pepto-Bismol.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Only a stupid man would marry you just for your looks and not your personality. Fortunately all men are stupid so just exercise a little and you’ll be fine.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There’s nothing the stars can help you with that your good friends Ben & Jerry can’t fix.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Try to understand another person’s perspective before you judge them. Well, except Hitler. You can totally judge Hitler.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Things are looking up for the first time in months! Wait… no, I’m sorry, I read that wrong. It’s “throwing up.” The stars say, “things are throwing up for the first time in months.” Weird, huh? Hmm… maybe don’t check out that Japanese/Polish fusion restaurant that just opened up.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Own your life and good things will come. Lease your life and you’ll turn a pretty nice profit.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): If someone is offering to wipe away your credit card debt then they are lying to you. I don’t care who they are or how much you trust them. It’s a scam.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Relax, honey! Being “barren” isn’t that bad. After all, you’ll never be able to birth the anti-Christ, right?

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Man Forced to Wait 40 Goddamn Minutes for Haircut

Local office worker Donald McMillan was tragically inconvenienced yesterday afternoon when he was forced to wait in a forty minute line just to get a goddamn haircut. Supercuts was the first of many stops that Donald had planned to make after work, but the unusually long wait time forced those plans to be changed.

“I didn’t even have time to stop at a supermarket to get dinner, so I had to resort to fast food,” said Donald. “I mean, I don’t mind fast food at all, but this is the second night in a row now, you know?”

An investigation is underway to determine the cause of the delay, but experts speculate that if Shauna and Gina hadn’t both called in sick, the wait time might have been shortened to fifteen, or even ten minutes.

“What really doesn’t add up about this case,” said renowned haircutologist Dr. Brooke Jenkinsen, “is that Shauna asked to take yesterday off two weeks ago and was denied. And Gina has been flakey ever since she learned that her husband died in Afghanistan. This is going to be a pretty lengthy investigation.”

No news yet on whether or not this scandal will affect Supercuts and its parent company Outstandinghaircuttersanddressers in any lasting way.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of August 3rd, 2015

Your weekly horoscope for August 3rd, 2015.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Plan to do something spontaneous this week.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Don’t be discouraged by the failures of today, be discouraged by the failures of tomorrow.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): You will experience some turmoil in the workplace this week. In fact, if I’m reading this right, terrorists are going to take your entire building hostage. So bring a snack or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Stop bringing up Hitler in every argument.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Yes, time heals all wounds. But cocaine can make you invincible!

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): True success is not measured by wealth, it’s measured by the size of your breasts.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): How many cats is it going to take for you to accept that it’s over?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Well no one thought Einstein was pretty, either. And he went on to invent the light bulb or something.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You have something in your teeth.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Friends are so hard to come by these days, but there’s an app for that.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Relax, dammit! Everything’s going to be fine, we just need a sharp saw, some trash bags and a lot of cleaning fluid.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Love has a way of hitting you out of nowhere. And when he does, call the police immediately.

 

Circus Killer News: @circuskillernws
Circus Killer: @circuskillerprd
Published by Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.