Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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10 Little Known Steps For The Presidential Impeachment Process

Within hours after President Trump was elected into office, Democrats have been teaming up with sane people across the country to figure out a way to legally remove Donald from the presidency. America comes closer to that goal as the Trump-Russia investigation uncovers new evidence, as well as each time Trump does literally anything. But what exactly does it take to impeach an individual from the highest seat of power in the free world? The following are 10 steps to the presidential impeachment process with which very few Americans are familiar.

 

1. At one point, a piece of paper with the President’s name is placed in front of a bald eagle. If the eagle eats the paper within 36 hours, the impeachment process continues.

2. The President will have to take part in a game of “Rock, Paper, Scissors” in order to determine whether or not he still gets to wear the Truman Boxers during the proceedings.

3. Trump will have to turn in his badge and his gun, and might never get them back.

4. The Supreme Court will probably have to do something or whatever.

5. The President will be asked to recite the Constitution backwards while touching his nose.

6. Every legislator calling for impeachment must give a video testimonial explaining why they think the President should be voted off the island.

7. If impeachment proceedings begin, Trump will have to write a 200-word essay on why he should be president.

8. Each of Trump’s key advisors will have to speak to Trump’s character after being reassured that they’re in a safe space where no one can hear them.

9. Every political impeachment, presidential or otherwise, must be cleared with the Illuminati first.

10. The CIA will have to hire Leonardo DiCaprio to enter the President’s dreams and extract classified information, although this procedure might be waived because Trump has already tweeted most of it.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

SPECIAL REPORT: The Beach

For decades scientists and experts have known that the beach is just about the worst place to spend large amounts of time, yet that doesn’t stop ordinary Americans from flocking to the shore every warm-weather weekend. Recently, Circus Killer News sent an undercover reporter, Chelsea Realperson, to the Jersey shore to try and figure out what makes people return to these hellish scenes and how they manage to survive.

First, Chelsea sought to discover what draws beachgoers to the shore. After interviewing several people, Chelsea found that many meander to the shores every weekend to relax. Beachgoers are seemingly unaware that things like sitting, napping, and reading are all activities that can be done in their own homes. Aspects of the shore that beachgoers find aesthetically pleasing, such as “listening to the sound of the waves” and “smelling the salty air,” can easily be replicated with smartphone apps.

A handful of beachgoers said they enjoyed the sand but could not explain why. Chelsea asked if they were aware that sand tracks back to their homes and often hides glass shards, used condoms and discarded drug paraphernalia, and all of them shrugged those facts off like they were no big deal. As a test, Chelsea asked a different group of strangers if they would continue to frequent a movie theater, mall, public park or any other social gathering area if the ground there was littered with garbage, band-aids and bugs, and the responses she received ranged from “of course not” to “god, no” to “ma’am, please, this is a funeral.”

Many beachgoers report taking pleasure in laying on the ground and exposing as much of themselves as possible to harmful solar radiation. Instead of wearing clothes, beachgoers will rub chemicals into their skin or even take shelter under umbrellas, which are traditionally used for protection from the exact opposite kind of weather. Our reporter, Chelsea, attempted this “sunbathing” herself and was unable to feel the spiritual connection that most beachgoers report feeling with their Sun God, whom they often refer to as Uv. Soon afterwards Chelsea’s skin turned red, which she believes is Uv punishing her for her rejection of the beachers’ ways.

When wanting to feel active, beachgoers will often charge headfirst into the ocean – yes, the literal ocean – which is its own separate horror. Beachgoers enjoy sloshing their bodies around in this salty liquid-landfill despite the fact that it is often the site of hurricanes, drownings, and is the only place where sharks exist. There are groupings of attractive high-school dropouts called “lifeguards” whose job it is to keep swimmers safe from the oceans’ many terrors, but not a single one of them ever carries a weapon.

Chelsea was never able to figure out why people return to the beach whenever they can, and for that she has been demoted to an overcover reporter. One thing she did discover, however, is that regular beachgoers will continue this ritual every weekend from Labor Day to Memorial Day, or possibly the other way around. I forget which is which.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Trump Budget Includes Gilded White House

Earlier today, President Trump released his proposal for the new federal budget under his administration. Details of the budget terrorized experts, polarized ordinary citizens, and gave the upper class something else to lie about. What follows is some of the details of the Trump Budget.

Firstly, nearly 30% of the federal budget will be used to renovate the White House itself. Trump will coat the entire building in a thin layer of solid gold in hopes that it will prevent atheists from reading his thoughts. President Trump has also admitted that working in the Oval Office makes him uncomfortable because it’s “too much like a woman’s sex bits, and not the fun ones,” so the budget will cover the cost it takes to convert the Oval Office into the long, hard shaft that Trump believes is “a more dignified and bigly structure.”

The budget will also cover the construction of hundreds of “Patriot Zones” across the US where Americans can gather and thank Trump for all he’s done for this country so far. These Patriot Zones will use military loudspeaker equipment to blast group prayers five times a day, several miles in all directions. Americans are encouraged to join in these prayers while bowing in the direction of Trump Tower.

The Trump Budget also sets aside money to allow for the construction of a border wall with Mexico, a large bridge between Russia and Alaska, and a moat to separate blue states from the rest of the nation.

Trump’s proposed budget will cut up to billions from federally sponsored programs for various reasons. Public schools will be defunded because “American children need Jesus more than books,” medical benefits for retirees will be slashed because “diseases aren’t real, I’ve never had them” and food stamps will be cut because “people should not be mailing their food, it’s a disgrace.”

Many politicians and economists are skeptical that Trump’s tax plan can cover the proposed budget. Trump’s tax plan calls for a total restructuring of existing tax brackets to be based on things like “blondness” and “winnering” instead of income. All that can be said for certain is that these steps surely puts America on the right track to be great again.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.