Poseidon Fucking With Area Man

Wyatt Shelton, of Brighton, Virginia, has reportedly been plagued by visitations from Poseidon, God of the Sea, over the last several months. Shelton says that his encounters with the Greek god have become a hindrance in his life, and they seem to have no purpose.

“The first time Poseidon appeared to me,” says Shelton, “I was fishing at a lake not too far from my house, and suddenly his head popped up from the water. He told me that he had been slumbering in the lake for a thousand years, and that my fishing was so loud that it woke him up.”

Shelton says he was so flummoxed by the encounter that he wasn’t able to respond.

“Then Poseidon splashed up onto the dock,” he continued, “and he picked up my tackle box and said that I owed him ocean tax, and then he jumped back into the lake with it. I didn’t know what to think, and I never saw that tackle box again.”

Shelton kept the incident to himself and pretended like it never happened, until he was visited again a few weeks later.

“This time he came through my coffee,” Shelton says. “I was driving to work, coffee in hand, when the lid popped off and Poseidon shot out of my cup and into the driver’s seat, spilling coffee everywhere. I was furious.”

According to Shelton, the god then proceeded to talk about an idea for a television show where Poseidon would play himself as a detective who could travel through time and have sex with ghosts.

“He was practically shouting the whole time, so I couldn’t concentrate on my driving. Also the show idea that he pitched wasn’t even a good one. It was a very uncomfortable experience.”

Poseidon made his final appearance last week while Shelton was in the shower.

“He drizzled out of my showerhead and started shampooing my hair while telling me more about all the ghosts he wanted to have sex with on his tv show. I told him that I didn’t like his idea and that he shouldn’t bother me anymore, but I don’t think he got the message.”

Shelton is hopeful that these encounters with the God of the Sea have come to an end, but he is reportedly taking steps to eliminate liquids from his life altogether, just to be safe.

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Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Hat Worn In Lieu Of Shower

Derek Mariscone, a 28-year-old social media manager from Chicago, successfully fooled everyone he encountered last Tuesday when he wore a hat instead of showering. Mariscone said the idea just came to him the night before.

“I was staying up late watching something that wasn’t porn,” said Mariscone, “and dreading how early I was going to have to get up the next day to shower before work. I didn’t want to shower, but I knew I had to.”

Mariscone recalled thinking that people would immediately be able to tell by the state of his hair that he had willfully neglected his personal hygiene.

“Then it hit me,” said Mariscone, “If I just wear a hat then no one will be able to see my hair, they won’t be able to tell that I’m actually a disgusting greaseball. I don’t know why no one has thought of this before.”

Mariscone strode about Chicago yesterday brimming with confidence despite feeling like an ape turd.

“Normally when I don’t bathe I just feel so gross and depressed the whole day,” said Mariscone. “I still felt it, of course, but this time nobody really saw it. They still saw me use my sleeves as napkins and cry in the Wendy’s parking lot, but I could tell this time people thought it was for a cool reason and not just because I’m a pathetic loser.”

Mariscone’s coworkers also noted a positive change in the man they once forgot about and accidentally locked in the building during a gas leak.

“I was actually planning on firing Derek today,” said Mariscone’s boss Sheila Burns, “but I saw some guy wearing a hat sitting at Derek’s desk, so I assume I already fired him during a coke high and just don’t remember. But I’ll tell you what I do remember, and it’s that that little moron never wore hats. It’s the one thing about him I found tolerable.”

Mariscone made no official claim as to whether or not he would undergo the full “hat guy” conversion.

“I guess I’ve thought about being a hat guy, I don’t know,” said Mariscone. “I mean, I’d have to change my name to Mike or Rob or something, and I’d probably have to start wearing shirts with words on them and post political things on Facebook. I don’t know, I’m really just experimenting right now.”

Mariscone said he’s unsure whether his future will be a hat filled one, but he was able to guarantee that he will quit bathing indefinitely.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.