KILLER ADVICE: How Do I Change The Thingy?

Be it luck or fate, you have just stumbled upon ‘Killer Advice,’ the highest-ranked web-based advice column on the internet, according to a recent kidnap victim. Every week we take questions from commoners like you, and have them answered by uncommoners like the staff of Circus Killer News.

Today’s question comes to us from Carol Burkowski, a stay-at-home mom in Reddingham, Pennsylvania. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
My son and his friends were using the TV to play on his Xbox earlier today. Every time he does this he has to switch the thingy on the TV so it’s a different HTMI or something, and I can’t figure out how to make the TV go back. We have four different remotes in our house and I don’t know what button to press to make the thingy come up. Normally my son does it but he’s at basketball practice, and then he’s going to his friend’s house for a Nintendo. I’m really desperate because the Kids Halloween Baking Championship on the Food Network is tonight and if I miss it then I won’t have anything to talk about at brunch tomorrow. If you could walk me through how to switch the thing on the TV then I would really appreciate it.”

There are a few steps to solve this problem, Carol, but fortunately they’re all very easy. The first thing you need to do is figure out which remote is for the TV. The best way to do this would be to grab all your remotes and expertly juggle them around in the air. As you’re doing this, close your eyes and focus on whichever device in your house you want to control. If you concentrate hard enough, you will lose control of the corresponding remote and it will land on your head. This is the preferred method among professional channel surfers.

You could also try microwaving all your remotes. The way a remote control works is that there is a tiny radioactive isotope that links the remote and the device with a unique radiation signature. If you put your remotes in the microwave for a few minutes, the isotope will start glowing. Hold your freshly cooked remote up to its corresponding device, and that device will glow the same color. If it’s the wrong device, however, then the two will start to fizz and melt, and could explode if it’s a Samsung product.

The last best way to identify which remote is for which device is to simply look it up on the internet. Play each remote next to a different potted plant and expertly sketch out the scene to make a perfect still art masterpiece. Fax the artwork directly to the head office of any online search engine and ask them what each one is for. If they fax you back saying that all of them are for converting carbon dioxide into oxygen, then fax them back another set of remote drawings, but this time draw a bunch of arrows pointing to the remotes so that they know what you’re talking about.

Switching your television’s input is easy now that you know which remote is for the TV, but unfortunately the court order that forces the CKN staff to write this advice column states that we only need to put in 500 words a week, so you’re on your own.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra
DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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Area Man On Every Prank Show

Massachusetts local Jeffrey Haines is reportedly on the brink of insanity after discovering that various prank shows have been controlling almost every facet of his life. Jeffrey first became suspicious when he appeared on a hidden camera magic show last week.

“I performed this trick where I turn a sandwich into a piglet,” said TV magician Alex Landry. “Basically I go into a sandwich restaurant and make their bacon sandwiches come back to life. I did it to Jeffrey and he was shocked at first, then I explained that he was on a hidden camera show and he started laughing.”

Jeffrey reportedly enjoyed this little bit of fun, but that very same day Jeffrey accidentally wandered onto the set of a completely different hidden camera prank show called “Total Fakeout.”

“Basically we just take over small businesses and mess with people,” said Moira Jimenez, producer of Total Fakeout. “The week that Jeffrey was on we took over a car wash and pretended like we destroyed people’s cars.”

Jeffrey dropped his car off at the car wash, then he went to the sandwich place where he got pranked on the magic show, and when he returned, he found that his car had been destroyed by an internal fire. After getting his initial reaction on camera, the producers of Total Fakeout revealed that it was all just a prank and that his car was fine. After appearing on two prank shows in a row, Jeffrey became uneasy.

Several days later, Jeffrey’s wife of five years sat him down to explain that their marriage had been part of “’Til Ugly Do Us Part,” a hidden camera prank show where paid actors marry unattractive people and see how long it takes for them to find out that the love they share isn’t real. She also revealed that the kids they had together were paid actors as well.

Jeffrey was devastated this morning when he was informed by his doctor that he had terminal cancer and would die in six months, and then somehow even more devastated when his doctor turned out to be an actor on a prank show where fake doctors tell people that they’re going to die.

Jeffrey is reportedly seeking legal action, but he is unaware that every attorney that he’s contacted so far is a paid actor for a hidden camera prank show called “Blind Justice,” where the lawyer pretends to be blind and spills hot liquids all over the client.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2018 Season

Now that autumn is upon us, it’s time for fall television premieres. This season of television promises to be an effective distraction from the existential dread that we all experience every second of every day. Here are the 9 premieres to watch out for.

 

Last Meal – Coming to the Food Network, this high-stakes cooking competition show pits four chefs against each other as they race to complete a death row inmate’s last meal. The chefs only have 30 minutes to get the meal finished and into the inmate’s mouth before the inmate is killed, and if they fail, they take the inmate’s place.

Hat Cop – Put your thinking caps on for this gritty drama coming to CBS about a police detective who always wears hats to cover up the shameful secret of his baldness while he solves a series of hat-related crimes in the windiest city in America.

Parades – This fall, NBC will be debuting “Parades,” which is just reruns of parades from the last several decades in no particular order. Parades is produced by the same team that brought you NBC’s hit reality show, “Barrel Scrapers.”

Stoker Memorial – A bold new hospital drama from the CW where all the doctors are vampires. Each day is a challenge for these supernatural and super attractive medical geniuses as they struggle to not slaughter and eat all of their patients. Stoker Memorial premieres this Wednesday after an all-new episode of Werewolf Virgin.

Top Judges of America – A panel of celebrity judges judges a panel of celebrity judges for the opportunity to be an official celebrity judge on a different celebrity judging show. It’s all the fun of a competition reality show, but without all those un-famous ugly people. Coming to ABC.

Running Thin – This show is coming to YouTube Red, so no one knows anything about it.

House Haunters – This “House Hunters” spinoff from HGTV features young ghost couples looking for the perfect home to haunt. Ghosts cannot be captured on camera, so every episode is just a real estate agent who is also a medium breaking into people’s houses and then having only one side of a conversation. It’s a show that’s sure to open our homes and lift our spirits.

Mystery Mouth – A new Netflix game show where contestants from the audience must solve riddles to figure out what a nervous old man is hiding in his mouth. Is it teeth? Is it the beach? Is it a handgun? Guess correctly and contestants have a chance to win whatever is inside the old man’s mouth.

Trump House – Set in the White House, this reality show coming to Fox will follow the First Family as they outsmart their leftist enemies while making America great again for us all. This is probably the most highly anticipated show of the season ever since a few months ago when Trump himself announced that producing Trump House was the only reason why he ran for the presidency in the first place.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Hidden Details Of Trump White House Leaked By Anonymous Source

An anonymous source from within the White House has reached out to Circus Killer News with previously unknown details about the President’s daily routine. What follows is an unedited letter from that source, which our investigators have verified:

“The President starts each day the same. He wakes up at around 11:00 a.m. in his bed in the Lincoln bedroom, which is covered in radioactive sheets that keep his skin tan while he sleeps. He rings a bell as soon as he’s awake so that we know when it’s time for us to come in and dress him.

The President then has his breakfast in the Taft dining room, which is a sleeve of Oreo’s and a bowl of Lucky Charms with root beer instead of milk. The President forces us all to watch him eat his breakfast, and if any of us look at him in the eyes, we’re fired immediately.

After breakfast, the President is given his morning briefing. Military generals and intelligence officials will draw their briefings on construction paper in order to keep the President’s attention. The more glitter that they use in their briefings, the more likely Trump will notice it. The current administration spends over $4,000 on glitter each month.

We spend most of the day trying to find ways to distract the President. In the beginning we were using laser pointers, but he thought they were snipers and that only added to his paranoia. We figured out that we can dazzle him pretty easily with close-up magic whenever he starts trying to give out orders. If I pull a quarter out of his ear, for example, then he’ll spend the next half hour checking his body for more money.

For most of the day, Trump retreats to a secluded room where we let him watch tv and eat as much sugar as he wants. If he ever asks for anything, such as lubricant or pornography or his daughter, then we tell him that the democrats just made those things illegal and try to ignore his yelling. Eventually he crashes and we just put him to bed, then start over the next day.

So basically, we’re dealing with it. There really aren’t any surprises anymore. The next two years are going to be long and frustrating, but we’ll get through it as a nation.”

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Poseidon Fucking With Area Man

Wyatt Shelton, of Brighton, Virginia, has reportedly been plagued by visitations from Poseidon, God of the Sea, over the last several months. Shelton says that his encounters with the Greek god have become a hindrance in his life, and they seem to have no purpose.

“The first time Poseidon appeared to me,” says Shelton, “I was fishing at a lake not too far from my house, and suddenly his head popped up from the water. He told me that he had been slumbering in the lake for a thousand years, and that my fishing was so loud that it woke him up.”

Shelton says he was so flummoxed by the encounter that he wasn’t able to respond.

“Then Poseidon splashed up onto the dock,” he continued, “and he picked up my tackle box and said that I owed him ocean tax, and then he jumped back into the lake with it. I didn’t know what to think, and I never saw that tackle box again.”

Shelton kept the incident to himself and pretended like it never happened, until he was visited again a few weeks later.

“This time he came through my coffee,” Shelton says. “I was driving to work, coffee in hand, when the lid popped off and Poseidon shot out of my cup and into the driver’s seat, spilling coffee everywhere. I was furious.”

According to Shelton, the god then proceeded to talk about an idea for a television show where Poseidon would play himself as a detective who could travel through time and have sex with ghosts.

“He was practically shouting the whole time, so I couldn’t concentrate on my driving. Also the show idea that he pitched wasn’t even a good one. It was a very uncomfortable experience.”

Poseidon made his final appearance last week while Shelton was in the shower.

“He drizzled out of my showerhead and started shampooing my hair while telling me more about all the ghosts he wanted to have sex with on his tv show. I told him that I didn’t like his idea and that he shouldn’t bother me anymore, but I don’t think he got the message.”

Shelton is hopeful that these encounters with the God of the Sea have come to an end, but he is reportedly taking steps to eliminate liquids from his life altogether, just to be safe.

*****
Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Facts About ‘Home Improvement’

“Home Improvement” wasn’t just a sitcom about an accident-prone tool salesman raising three kids while making fun of overweight people and being as misogynistic as ABC would allow. It was also a show that defined a generation. Every week, fans would tune in to learn about tools, listen to grunting, and watch a convicted drug mule get injured in a series of easily avoidable accidents. But there’s a lot about the show that even its most diehard fans are unaware of, and some of those things are only just now coming to light. Here are 12 facts you never knew about “Home Improvement.”

 

1. Tim Allen was never told when his character was about to get injured so that his cries of pain and misery would be more authentic.

2. Richard Karn, who played the character “Al Boreland,” wore a fake beard for the entire show. The producers didn’t find out about it until just this past Tuesday.

3. Wilson’s face was never shown because the producers thought that Earl Hindman was too unattractive for television.

4. Pamela Anderson, who played “Lisa” for two seasons, was booted off the show because the producers thought she was too attractive for television.

5. Jonathon Taylor Thomas left the show early in its eighth season to try and start a film career, but that career ended abruptly when his ties to the communist party became public knowledge.

6. During the course of the show, Tim Allen fired twenty-three different production assistants for calling him “Tim Alan.”

7. In order to keep the character “Brad Taylor” looking as authentic and up-to-date as possible, a new Zachery Ty Bryan had to be sculpted out of a high-density polymer every morning before shooting.

8. Every scene of every episode was filmed inside Patricia Richardson’s house.

9. Taran Noah Smith was initially supposed to play “Tim Taylor,” but he ended up having a deadly allergic reaction to tools. Smith was then recast as the character “Mark Taylor.”

10. Even though the show took place in Detroit, most of the actors on “Home Improvement” grew up in Algeria.

11. Tim Allen only agreed to do the show in exchange for a reduced prison sentence.

12. The character Wilson is actually Anunochius, the God of Knowledge, who was banished from The Tower of the Divines for seducing the wife of Tilitak, the Elf King. As punishment, he has been trapped in human form for the last 3000 years where he has been whispering his wisdom into the ears of great men and women and feasting upon the hearts of newborn babies.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2017 Season

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.