KILLER ADVICE: How Can I Stop People From Breaking Into My Car And Committing Crimes Inside Of It?

You’re reading Killer Advice, a weekly advice column written by the staff of Circus Killer News. Our staff might be young and attractive, but the untold wisdom that we gained from eating crystals gives us the authority to tell you how to live your life.

 

Today’s question comes to us from Makayla Sinnis from Kingsdale, Florida. She writes…

“Dear Circus Killer News,
I drive a 2007 Toyota Prius, and for as long as I can remember, people keep breaking into it and using it as a place to commit crimes. Last week as I approached my car in the parking lot of where I do grass fed yoga, I noticed two old men doing heroin in the back seat. They picked the lock with their drug needle that they were sharing, and both of them were only wearing socks. Then there was a time when I was stuck in traffic on my way to work, and a group of rowdy teenagers who were skipping school climbed on top of my Prius, smashed open the sunroof, and crawled inside to drink alcohol and listen to profane music after pushing me out onto the highway. My car has been broken into and made into a crime scene at least three dozen times, and I can’t figure out why this is happening to me.”

 

Makayla, the truth is, you actually don’t have a problem here. The Toyota Prius is the worst selling car in America because of how lame it is. In order to increase sales, Toyota lobbied Congress to pass a federal law that states that no one can be convicted of any crime that takes place inside a Prius. Americans still don’t buy the worthless commie virgin-mobile, but there’s nothing illegal about breaking into one and committing crimes inside of it. Try driving literally any other car, and you won’t have this problem.

In case that isn’t an option, there are a few things that you can do to keep your car from getting broken into so often. You could try painting your car to resembling something that is not a Prius, such as a Ford F-150, a hippopotamus, the Second Amendment, or anything else that Americans believe is too sacred to mess around with. You could also try wrapping strips of barbed wire around your car, but this will likely attract perverts, which could potentially make matters far worse.

The only other thing we would recommend is to get some sort of custom car alarm that would scare off anyone who trips it. Instead of the usual beeping and honking, you could have your car blast hippopotamus mating sounds, which is a sight too glorious and sacred to behold. Other sounds that would scare people off include ghosts fighting, the echoey groan of an empty vending machine, and any foreign music. You could also have your car play the National Anthem, which would force anyone in earshot to immediately stop what they’re doing, even if they’re breaking into your car, and bow their head in prayer.

We hope this helps, Makayla, but if you ever tell anyone that we gave assistance to the owner of a Prius then we could lose our reporting license, so keep this to yourself.

*****

Written by J. S. Wydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

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9 Exciting New TV Shows For The Fall 2017 Season

Autumn is around the corner, which means the world of television is about to start up again. Many of America’s favorites are returning, but there’s a whole panel of promising new shows coming out this year as well. Here’s a brief list of some of them.

 

Secret Poison – Coming to the Food Network, this show pits four chefs battling head-to-head in a deadly cook-off, only this time the judges take all the risks. One of the chefs is a professional assassin and has poisoned their meal, and the judges have to determine which meal is not the poisoned one before eating it. If they choose right all three rounds, the judges get ten thousand dollars each… but if they’re wrong it’s game over.

Double Time – He was an ordinary scientist trying to solve life’s biggest problem: how to not be late for stuff. Then, the experiment happened, and now he lives every day of his life twice. Now he uses his powers to stop crime, and probably also to reconnect with his daughter or wife or something.

New Earth – It’s a dystopian future where society has collapsed, monsters roam free, and nobody can be trusted. A group of teenagers must band together to survive the harshness of an unforgiving world so they can talk about their feelings. Coming to the CW.

Trump the Chump – CNN’s first game show gives its contestants the ultimate challenge; giving away cash prizes to those who can successful identify and answer questions about President Trump’s lies. New episode every 18 hours.

Comparative Minds – She’s a by-the-book police detective. He’s a quirky genius specialist. Together they make the perfect crime-solving team, as well as a dynamic so cliché that it’ll definitely work.

Mugger Wars – This weekly reality documentary on A&E follows various muggers around New York City as they jump innocent people and steal their personal belongings, then attempt to sell them for cash. It’s all the fun of “Storage Wars,” but more thrilling since it’s illegal.

Long-Haul Lover – This NBC drama tells the story of an average man in America’s heartland whose love for his truck is not accepted by society. Watch this emotional journey that teaches us to fight for what we believe in, question the status quo, and how to properly lubricate a tailpipe.

Bunker Hunters – Coming to HGTV, this show follows the same theme as “House Hunters,” only instead of searching for the perfect home, couples try and find the perfect end-of-days nuclear bomb shelter.

Vampire Lifeguard – An ordinary beach lifeguard has his life turned upside-down when he’s turned into a vampire. Now allergic to the sun, he struggles through his everyday life of keeping the beaches safe while fighting the urge to eat everyone he saves.

 

Written by J. S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

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DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.