Your weekly horoscope for February 29th, 2016
Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find yourself filled with energy this week when a catastrophe strikes your nuclear power plant.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): When things get too stressful then just remember to enjoy the little things in life. Like rabbits and kittens. Any smaller than that, though, and you get spiders and ants and bacteria so I guess you can’t enjoy the really little things in life. Just focus on the sorta little things.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Sometimes it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You should really consider a chiropractor or a new mattress or something.
Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Take a moment out of each day to look around you and appreciate what you have. It will make up for all the moments you spend looking around other people and coveting what they have.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): We never know what we’re capable of until we’re pushed to the edge. That’s why sharing a train ride with an overweight person is the only ture test of character.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I don’t know, usually anything dark goes in cold water, but you should check the label.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There are a lot of emotions swelling up within you, but also a lot of parasites. Don’t trust store-brand yogurt anymore.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You are in charge of your own destiny. When good things happen it’s because you make them happen and you deserve it.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You are not in charge of your own destiny. When bad things happen it’s because everything is random and you don’t deserve it.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I’m writing this in a fast food restaurant right now and there’s a guy at another table who’s just staring at me and it’s really freaking me out.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sometimes it feels like giving up is easy. I don’t know how you could possibly think that… alcohol is such a huge part of your life.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you own a silver Nissan, license plate 3HFL66, your lights are on.
By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews
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