Month: February 2016

Horoscope: Week of February 29th, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for February 29th, 2016

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You will find yourself filled with energy this week when a catastrophe strikes your nuclear power plant.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): When things get too stressful then just remember to enjoy the little things in life. Like rabbits and kittens. Any smaller than that, though, and you get spiders and ants and bacteria so I guess you can’t enjoy the really little things in life. Just focus on the sorta little things.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Sometimes it feels like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You should really consider a chiropractor or a new mattress or something.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Take a moment out of each day to look around you and appreciate what you have. It will make up for all the moments you spend looking around other people and coveting what they have.

 Leo (7/23 – 8/22): We never know what we’re capable of until we’re pushed to the edge. That’s why sharing a train ride with an overweight person is the only ture test of character.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I don’t know, usually anything dark goes in cold water, but you should check the label.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): There are a lot of emotions swelling up within you, but also a lot of parasites. Don’t trust store-brand yogurt anymore.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You are in charge of your own destiny. When good things happen it’s because you make them happen and you deserve it.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You are not in charge of your own destiny. When bad things happen it’s because everything is random and you don’t deserve it.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I’m writing this in a fast food restaurant right now and there’s a guy at another table who’s just staring at me and it’s really freaking me out.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Sometimes it feels like giving up is easy. I don’t know how you could possibly think that… alcohol is such a huge part of your life.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you own a silver Nissan, license plate 3HFL66, your lights are on.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

12 Oscar Facts You Never Knew

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The Oscars are this Sunday and the buzz has already started. Millions of Americans will be switching on their TVs to see their favorite stars, glitzy performances, and those nerds who win “Sound Design” or whatever.  But there are some things about the Academy Awards that you might not know, for example that the Academy Awards and the Oscars are the same thing.  Here are 12 more insane facts about the Oscars:

 

1. The first Oscar statues were anatomically correct. The non-gender-conforming model that is used today is the result of a petition by Jane Fonda.

2. Initially the Academy Awards ceremony began as a means of thinning out the Hollywood elite. Winners would be killed and have their skin converted into film.

3. Oscars are only coated in gold. They’re dark chocolate on the inside.

4. It is expected that by the year 2050, the “Best Picture” category will hold 35 nominees.

5. “Oscar Sunday” is one of the biggest days for gambling. People bet on everything from who will win certain awards to which actresses will cry the most to whether or not James Franco is wearing underwear.

6. Steven Spielberg is given an Award for “Best Director” every year.

7. 84% of men say they only watch the Oscars for the dresses.

8. Leonardo DiCaprio gave a poor tip to a gypsy who was working as a waitress. She cursed him, and he has never won an Oscar since.

9. It is rumored that the Academy will host a second awards ceremony next year that will be exclusively for minorities. The two ceremonies will be completely separate, but still equal.

10. Most winners are actually determined by a psychic octopus.

11. Every time NBC hosts the Oscars, they get cancelled mid-ceremony.

12. Nicolas Cage has won more Oscars than anyone else in film history, and film future.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Galactic Presidential Candidate Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 Running on Campaign of Intolerance, Bigotry

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Galactic President hopeful Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 has made the oppression of Humans the focus of his campaign, saying that if elected he would close down Earth’s borders for good.

“Earth has been sending over its people for 50 years now,” said Xzzjylxxy-13 during a rally last Flermsday. “If we don’t do something about it now, the Sol System will be overrun with Humans that want nothing more than to take our jobs.”

Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed building a giant space wall around Earth to keep the Humans out, for which he claims he can make Earth fund on its own.

“I’ve met some Humans,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13, “they’re not good people. Some of them are okay, but for the most part Humans are rapists and murderers and terrorists. And I watch the news, I’ve seen the ‘astronauts’ they’re sending over here. They’re not sending over their best people.”

While many see this campaign as the bigotry of a demagogue, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has managed to gain a considerably large following in the short time since announcing his candidacy.

“Quaid Xzzjlyxxy-13 is preying on the fears of the galactic people,” said political pundit Jackomeyer Zguiche. “Many have accused him of being a racist. This is not true. He knows that many people in the Galaxy are racist, however, and he uses that to swing the numbers in his favor.”

Whether or not he believes it himself, Xzzjlyxxy-13 has proposed that Humans intend to bring their Earthborn conflicts with them if they are allowed admittance into the rest of the Galaxy.

“Most of the Humans being sent here are grown men,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13. “Where are the women and children? If it’s really so bad over there, why aren’t the men staying over there and fighting?”

Many believe that if elected, Xzzjlyxxy-13 might even try to attack Earth once he realizes that building a planetary wall is impossible.

“We have the ability to bomb them from here,” said Xzzjlyxxy-13 in what some view as a threat. “I’m not saying we should do it, I’m just saying we could and we’d be better for it.”

It’s too early to tell how far Xzzjlyxxy-13 will go this election or even if he’ll win the primary, but regardless, this is shaping up to be one of the most exciting elections in the last 6,744,028,990 years.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Realistic McDonald’s Ads to Begin Airing this Spring

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McDonald’s spokesperson Jerry Panterson announced today that a new line of advertising will begin airing this spring that will be aimed at the type of people who actually do eat at McDonald’s.

“We’ve tried and tried to get new crowds into our restaurants for years by making commercials that appeal to different demographics,” said Panterson. “All of our ads show customers who are attractive and thin and trendy and smile a lot and who don’t have children and are accepting of other people’s lifestyles, but it’s time to face reality. Customers like that simply don’t exist.”

Panterson admits that the McDonald’s advertising team had simply never been inside any of their restaurants and had no idea what they actually like. That team was let go last week and has been replaced by a group of actual McDonald’s customers who, like everyone else that regularly eats at McDonald’s, has never worked in advertising, marketing or any other corporate field.

“We’re excited to finally have a team that really understands our customers,” said Panterson. “This is a new era for McDonald’s; a truthful, legitimate era.”

The team has already begun brainstorming new slogans for fast food chain, including ear-catchers like “When Wendy’s is Closed,” and “Napkins So Fancy They Still Smell like Trees,” and “I’m Accepting It.”

New commercials are reportedly in the process of being filmed, which allegedly feature teenagers with zits, senior citizens who always look depressed, guys who wear work boots more than any other kind of shoe, children who speak louder than is physically possible, people who wear hats solely because their hair is too greasy, and a woman wearing two crosses around her neck for some reason.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Area Man’s Germ-Filled Mouth Most Diverse Place in Nation

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A heartwarming story of pathological disaster struck a small town in North Carolina today when it was discovered that Colin Fargus, a local auto-mechanic, has a mouth containing more foreign organisms than are present in one location anywhere else in the country. Colin’s mouth was officially declared the “most diverse area in the nation” by the doctor in charge of treating Colin.

“Seeing all these different forms of disease, parasites and fungi working together under one common goal, which is to kill Colin, really brings tears to my eyes,” says Dr. George Jiminez, “not just because of the smell, but because it’s like these organisms are working together in a way that humans never could. We could really learn a lot from them.”

Colin visited his local dentist’s office complaining of toothaches, headaches, fever, numbness in his extremities, lack of appetite, blindness, deafness, hallucinations, heart palpitations, abnormal hair growth, spontaneous combustion, homophobia and other debilitating symptoms. Colin’s dentist immediately notified the CDC after initial examination of Colin’s mouth, and he’s been in quarantine ever since.

While treatments for Colin’s various diseases are hastily being applied, many see the diversity of Colin’s mouth as something that should be celebrated in a nation fatally divided by matters of race, sex, gender, religion, and whether or not Mad Max: Fury Road deserved to be nominated for best picture.

“Colin’s mouth is a reflection of the melting pot that is this country,” said Dr. Jiminez. “If he dies in the next few hours, which is certainly possible, then he will surely die a hero.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Horoscope: Week of February 22nd, 2016

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Your weekly horoscope for February 22nd, 2016

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You’ve been looking for a fresh start and the opportunity will finally come this week when hackers completely empty your bank account.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): The best way to deal with your greatest weakness is to turn it into your greatest strength, unless your greatest weakness is that you’re racist, which if you are then forget you read this.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Early this week you might feel a little more closed-off than usual. I promise this quarantine will only last for as long as it takes to find a cure or for you to die, whichever comes first.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): You will start off this week feeling highly motivated, but end this week losing your right hand to a debt collector.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): If you’re ever feeling unmotivated this week then reflect on the words of Abraham Lincoln, who said, “if you don’t put me on the fifty then I swear to God, I’m going to haunt the shit out of someone.”

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Always remember that good looks aren’t everything. Money is everything. But you don’t have that either so whatever.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Lately it feels like you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places. Seriously, stop trying to hit on guys on death row.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): It is a period of civil war. Rebel spaceships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Remember this week to put your best foot forward, then take your best foot out, then put your best foot forward and shake it all about.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The mitochondrion is the powerhouse of the cell.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Someone close to you might start to inject some negativity into your life, although the words “negativity” and “heroin” are interchangeable in astrologese so it could be either of those.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): If you’re feeling like you want to lash out at someone then always remember the Golden Rule – if it was only in the urinal for 10 seconds, it’s safe to eat.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

13 Tips for Successful Networking

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Networking skills are essential to getting ahead in the real world, but sometimes we don’t get the chance to learn them until it’s too late.  Here’s a list of tips that Circus Killer News’ expert networking team managed to come up with to help you meet the right people and know exactly what to say.

 

1. When meeting a potential employer, be sure to text, make phone calls, play mobile games, or anything else that make him or her think that you don’t really need the job.

2. Know where people in your field gather. If you’re trying to get into the business world, board a yacht. If you’re trying to get into entertainment, join a synagogue.

3. Have a strong social media presence, but don’t post anything illegal or incorrect or opinionated or insipid or entertaining.

4. Many people forget to keep a resume with them at all times. To avoid making this mistake, tattoo your CV to your chest.

5. Try constructing an android who can take your place and do all the networking stuff for you.

6. It’s important to make yourself heard. Keep a megaphone with you at all times.

7. Never break eye contact. People are more likely to remember you if you creep them out.

8. 90% of all communication is done through body language, so if you’re a gaseous entity or a disembodied consciousness from an ethereal plane then try extra hard to speak succinctly.

9. Do what you can to stand out from the crowd, like wear a suit made out of LED lights or aluminum foil or nothing at all.

10. Don’t forget that having large breasts is a skill.

11. When meeting someone important, use the word “synergy” at least ten times so he or she knows that you know what it means.

12. Follow up with contacts you’ve already made, even if that means emailing them every hour.

13. Always remember that it’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

Subway Performer Wishes Child at Other Table Would Shut The Fuck Up

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Debra Cheron, a street performer who frequently plays percussion instruments in the New York City subway, really wishes the screaming child a few tables over would just shut the fuck up.

“Everyone’s just trying to mind their own business and we have to sit here listening to this loud, ridiculous noise? It’s unacceptable,” says Debra. “You should know better than to bring your cacophonous twerp to a public space.”

Debra continued to bring up other instances that she views as “noise violations.”

“Why do I have to listen to your phone conversation just because we’re sharing a bench at the park? Don’t I deserve some peace and quiet?”

Debra spends most of her weekends in the subway with an assortment of pots, pans, plastic boxes and other household objects that she can use as drums, banging away into a microphone and speaker so she can earn money to pay for marijuana.

“Don’t do construction if there’s people walking around,” continued Debra. “You should have the decency to power down your jackhammer or drill or whatever when you see someone walking towards you.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

New Evidence Suggests Jesus Not Legal US Citizen

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Dr. Dales Harkin, a professor of Jesus studies at Christian American University of Christ, announced today that the famed Son of God might not actually be a legal United States citizen. Dr. Harkin suggests that because the US had not yet formed at the time that Christ was alive, it is unlikely that any American presence existed in the Middle East during Jesus’ lifetime, so He could not have applied for a citizenship.

“We as Christians like to think that Jesus celebrated the American way of life,” said Dr. Harkin, “but the perfect lifestyle that we all know and love here in America probably did not exist in Jesus’ day.”

Many Christians suggest that Jesus might have simply used his powers to time travel to the United States and acquired a citizenship then, however Dr. Harkin argues against this theory.

“If the Savior teleported here,” he said, “then He traveled to this country illegally. If He was born here and then went back in time, He couldn’t have been the Savior since biblical prophecy clearly states that the Savior has to be born in Bethlehem. Any way you slice it, He couldn’t have possibly been a legal citizen.”

Dr. Harkin’s declaration has been met with outrage across the country. Many Americans know they should be intolerant of foreigners, especially foreigners from the Middle East.

“We don’t know how to deal with this paradox right now,” said Dr. Harkin, “nor do we understand how Jesus came to be the only white person in the Middle East at that time. All we can do is pray and hope that God will send the next one to Bethlehem, PA.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra
Additional, unrelated news: @actlnews

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.

News Blog Contributors Killed by Terrorists

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Tragedy struck world-renown news blog Circus Killer News when its three contributors were kidnapped by terrorists last May. CKN lead reporter and editor-in-chief Jacob S. Wydra took his only two employees to an On The Border when the restaurant was taken over by a white power militia group who saw the Mexican food establishment as a threat to American values. Jacob recounts the terrifying events.

“I took them out to lunch because I wanted to fire them both,” he says, “and a public place seemed like a good idea because I didn’t think they would make a scene about it. Then out of nowhere these four guys in army camouflage stormed in with assault rifles shouting at the employees, telling everyone to get down and forcing us all to sing ‘America the Beautiful.’”

The occupation lasted days, and several attempts were made to retake the restaurant.

“One of our writers, Brittany von Beuren, slept with each of the terrorists at least half a dozen times. Sometimes all of them at once, sometimes in front of everyone. But it didn’t matter, they were relentless. They only let us eat if the cooks prepared food in the form of burgers instead of tacos or burritos.”

The other staff writer, John Francais Callahan, switched sides early on.

“Not only did he join them,” says Jacob, “but he convinced them to hold an election and made him their leader. John then had them outsource some of the occupation to a cheaper On the Border in China.”

Eventually the militiamen discovered that Jacob, Brittany and John were press, and after weeks of captivity the terrorists kidnapped the three reporters and brought them back to the trailer park and paintball arena in which the terrorists lived.

For months the bloggers were forced to live with the terrorists, each serving a specific function needed in their society. John again took helm as their leader, teaching the militiamen everything he knew about economics, capitalism and synergy. Brittany married and divorced eleven separate times, and Jacob became a human punching bag. Everything fell apart, however, when the terrorists learned that Jacob was “kinda Jewish.”

In a fit of panic, the terrorists executed Brittany and John for knowing someone Jewish. Jacob narrowly escaped the chaos only because it was part of the plot.

“I don’t know how I made it out of there, honestly,” he said. “All I know is that I never actually fired Brittany or John, and that will haunt me for as long as I give a shit.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.