Tragedy struck world-renown news blog Circus Killer News when its three contributors were kidnapped by terrorists last May. CKN lead reporter and editor-in-chief Jacob S. Wydra took his only two employees to an On The Border when the restaurant was taken over by a white power militia group who saw the Mexican food establishment as a threat to American values. Jacob recounts the terrifying events.

“I took them out to lunch because I wanted to fire them both,” he says, “and a public place seemed like a good idea because I didn’t think they would make a scene about it. Then out of nowhere these four guys in army camouflage stormed in with assault rifles shouting at the employees, telling everyone to get down and forcing us all to sing ‘America the Beautiful.’”

The occupation lasted days, and several attempts were made to retake the restaurant.

“One of our writers, Brittany von Beuren, slept with each of the terrorists at least half a dozen times. Sometimes all of them at once, sometimes in front of everyone. But it didn’t matter, they were relentless. They only let us eat if the cooks prepared food in the form of burgers instead of tacos or burritos.”

The other staff writer, John Francais Callahan, switched sides early on.

“Not only did he join them,” says Jacob, “but he convinced them to hold an election and made him their leader. John then had them outsource some of the occupation to a cheaper On the Border in China.”

Eventually the militiamen discovered that Jacob, Brittany and John were press, and after weeks of captivity the terrorists kidnapped the three reporters and brought them back to the trailer park and paintball arena in which the terrorists lived.

For months the bloggers were forced to live with the terrorists, each serving a specific function needed in their society. John again took helm as their leader, teaching the militiamen everything he knew about economics, capitalism and synergy. Brittany married and divorced eleven separate times, and Jacob became a human punching bag. Everything fell apart, however, when the terrorists learned that Jacob was “kinda Jewish.”

In a fit of panic, the terrorists executed Brittany and John for knowing someone Jewish. Jacob narrowly escaped the chaos only because it was part of the plot.

“I don’t know how I made it out of there, honestly,” he said. “All I know is that I never actually fired Brittany or John, and that will haunt me for as long as I give a shit.”

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.