Your weekly horoscope for February 15th, 2016.

 

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Lately it feels like you’ve fallen into a rut. This is probably because you are the reincarnation of a World War I soldier who died in the trenches.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Learning to love yourself can be the most difficult thing in the world. Unless you’re attractive or male or was born into money, then it’s pretty easy.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/20): Yes, time heals all wounds. But that cut really looks infected so maybe try a hospital.

Cancer (6/21 – 7/22): Mars passes through your constellation starting this week, so expect to transform into a lifeless red planet. That’s how this astrology stuff works, trust me. I’m an expert.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): It feels as though everything you do drives people away. If this really bugs you then maybe stop working for Uber.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): You may be feeling like your coworkers have lost respect for you, however this is not true. They never had any.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Bravery means having the strength to keep moving, the wisdom to let go, and a motorcycle but no helmet.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You will have a test of faith this week when God appears to you in a dream and tells you He’s not real.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Don’t feel bad that no one is supporting your budding comedy career. It’s only because you’re not very good.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): If you don’t deal with your problems now then they’ll come back to haunt you forever. That’s not your horoscope, that’s just something I learned from this horror movie I saw where this guy cheated on his wife who then died and then she came back and started totally fucking his shit up, it was insane.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): There will be an explosion in your love life, which is really bad news if you’re happily married to someone who defuses bombs for a living.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): No, there shouldn’t be a White History Month.

 

By Jacob S. Wydra: @jswydra

DISCLAIMER: Circus Killer News is a faux news blog. None of the stories on this site should be taken seriously or literally.